Leigh Henrie
by Ira4
Summary: Nick is happy with what he has with Amanda, things are fine at work. But a seemingly simple investigation might change everything.
1. Chapter 1

**Leigh Henrie**

* * *

 _I know I said I wasn't going to write anymore, but truth is I missed it, I like writing and I like Rollaro so even though I don't care about the show itself I decided to write another fic._

 _This is loosely based on a song -_ _Henry Lee by Nick Cave and PJ Harvey -_ _whatever praise I give it will be an injustice. But the fic will probably be kinda dark._

 _I'll do my best to update frequently, this shouldn't be too long._

 _Hope you like it._

 _I don't own the characters from the show._

* * *

"Damn with this wind" Amanda shut the door behind her and smiled at Nick who walked over to her from the living room.

"Your hair looks nice" he mocked and she tried to straighten it up a little. He didn't want to give her a chance to roll her eyes at him so Nick pulled her closer and kissed her lips.

Apart from the wind it was actually a very nice day, not too hot or cold, and it was a slow day at work. They've been so busy lately with cases and court that having this kind of day, with no new incidents, felt a little like a vacation.

"Go ahead, laugh" Amanda pulled away a little but she allowed her arms to stay wrapped around his waist "really sweet of you"

"You know I'm a sweet guy" he winked and kissed her again, he could see in her eyes she was about to comment on his statement.

This time Amanda pulled away completely and crossed her arms "are you kissing me every time I'm about to react to the silly things you're saying?"

"You're on to me" Nick shrugged.

"I see" she slowly moved closer to his body "this is kinda mean" she lightly touched his chest with her right hand "so you only want to kiss me to shut me up?"

She was giving him a very serious look and even though Nick could tell from her body language it was an act, for a moment he felt guilty and shook his head to make it clear this was not his intention.

"No?" she asked and he nodded "so you like kissing me then?"

"I do" he hissed, Amanda was standing so close to him and she moved her fingers a little, the tiny gesture sent shivers down his spine and he felt a little light headed.

"Yeah?" she could tell he was somewhat lost in this little exchange and there was no denying she loved it when he got like that, his heart beating a tad faster, his eyes were focused on her and it felt like he couldn't see anything else.

"So how 'bout you do it right now?" she stopped talking and they stared into each other's eyes for a few seconds before Nick regained control over his body and without warning he grabbed her, eliciting a squeal, and carried her to the bedroom. She didn't say where.

* * *

"You want a beer?" Nick opened the fridge and looked at her. Amanda was sitting by the table, wearing his T shirt. They usually started their little rendezvous with a drink and dinner but since the last few days they've been drowning in work they had no time to see each other outside of the squad room, a crime scene or the court.

"I'd love one, thanks" Nick grabbed two bottles and opened them. He handed her one and she smiled before taking a sip.

Nick sat down next to her and caressed her back. He wanted to tell her he'd missed her, missed _this_ during the last few days. But something stopped him. They've been having fun together, he'd almost forgotten how much fun being with someone in that way could be. But it was against the rules, and if they'd get caught the two of them would end up in a lot of trouble.

So saying he missed her when she wasn't around was off the table, because if he'd say it he would have to tell Amanda he's falling in love with her – he was pretty sure IAB won't appreciate that.

Instead of saying anything Nick gave her a quick kiss. He had no idea what they were going to do about this thing that's been going on, but he was going to do his best not to mess it up.

"The beer tastes so much better when it's from your lips" she wiped a drop of beer from his lip, keeping her voice a bit low.

"So you only kissed me for the beer?" he was paying her back for the comment she'd made earlier "I must say I feel a little used…"

"Poor Nick" Amanda placed the half empty bottle on the table and stood in front of him. Nick recognized the twinkle in her eyes and put his bottle next to hers, giving her room to do whatever it was she had planned.

Amanda didn't give him time to guess, she leaned in and placed her lips on his neck, nibbling on the skin and kissing it. He was pretty sure there was some kind of magic in her mouth because whenever it touched his body it sent almost every thought away and all that remained was pure pleasure. Nick felt her fingers in his hair, playing with it – yeah, he loved her hands too.

Nick felt himself lose control, he almost let the words slip out… _I love you_ …but the second he opened his mouth Amanda captured his lips, preventing him from speaking. He pulled her closer, this time they weren't going to make it to the bedroom.

* * *

"Looks like we're not getting another day like yesterday" Fin greeted Amanda, Nick was already at his desk "we got a new case, the hospital called just a few minutes ago"

"What is it?" Amanda asked as she sat down on her chair.

"A girl's been attacked on her street, not far from her building" Fin explained "she's unconscious right now but the doc thinks she'll make it. They'll send us the rape kit soon"

"Should we head to the crime scene, talk to witnesses?" she looked at him.

"You and Amaro go, I'm waiting for a call from Barba, I have a court appearance and he wants to go through a couple of things"

"You want to grab a cup of coffee before we go?" Nick stood up, stretching a little. Amanda left his place early to take Frannie for a walk and he figured she still hadn't had her coffee.

"If you have time for coffee why don't you go for breakfast while you're at it, it's not like we're busy" Fin joked.

"If someone else is buying" she chuckled and turned her attention to Nick "let's go"

Nick stopped by a coffee shop she liked and waited for her. It took her a few minutes to return, she had a big cup and a small paper bag with what was probably a donut.

"Looks like breakfast was on me" she smiled and offered him the bag "you want one?"

Nick wasn't a big fan of donuts but he took one anyway. He took a bite and handed the pastry to her "it's too sweet" he spoke while chewing.

"You just have a terrible taste in food" Amanda finished eating while Nick briefed her on their case. There wasn't a lot to say, they got a call from the hospital about a rape victim. She wasn't talking yet, and it would take some time for them to get any physical evidence.

"Whoever called 911 didn't give his information" he parked the car and pointed at the crime scene "Fin asked CSU to check it out, but I don't know if they'll find anything"

"So we'll just interview the neighbors, maybe one of them saw anything"

"Yeah, you want to take the odd numbers?"

"Ok" Amanda opened the door "see you soon"

* * *

There's a knock at the door and I wonder who it could be. I am not waiting for anyone and I do not appreciate uninvited guests. Not opening the door would be rude, I would not do that.

Through the peephole I can see it's a man, someone I had never seen before but he is handsome and I can tell he is a good man, without even talking to him or knowing anything about this person. I can feel it.

"Yes" I open the door and he introduces himself.

"I'm detective Nick Amaro" he shows me something, but I do not look at it, hearing his voice my eyes are focused on his. They are so beautiful and I am not sure what he asked me.

"I am sorry, can you repeat that?" I ask.

"There's been an attack not far from here last night" he says "a young woman is at the hospital and I'm here to see if you heard or saw anything"

I have not heard anything, nor have I seen anything out of the ordinary the previous night. I wish I did, I wish I could help him. I shake my head and apologize.

"This is my card, if you remember anything" he takes out something from his pocket and hands it to me. I reach for it, knowing I am about to touch him, his skin will graze mine. I swallow hard when it happens, I take the piece of paper slowly, not wanting the moment to end. His fingers are warm and I want them to stay close to mine.

"I'm just going to need your information, so we'd know we talked to you" he takes out a notepad and a pan"

"Of course" I nod, holding the card tightly "my name is Leigh Henrie" I give him my phone number and a smile, and my heart and soul.

"Thank you Ms. Henrie" he nods and smiles as the notepad is placed back in his pocket. The smile lights his face, it lights my heart.

I watch as he walks away and after closing the door I walk to the window, I can see the street from it and I wait, it takes a long time but eventually he appears.

Nick Amaro.

I look at the card and raise it to my face, it smells like him.

Nick Amaro walks to a car, there is a woman with him, she is probably a detective too. Even with the window closed I can tell the wind is blowing as it moves his jacket. He opens the cars door and sits down. It does not take a long time for him to drive away.

It hurts, I do not like the fact he is far now.

I know we will see each other again soon. I can not ignore love at first sight, neither can he.

* * *

 _tbc..._


	2. Chapter 2

_How dark this is going to get? I'm not sure yet. If you listened to the song you know it's pretty dark, but I don't know where this fic is going. Usually I start writing and it has a life of it's own, things change._

 _But I hope it will be kinda creepy (at least that's where I'm trying to take it)_

* * *

"That was exhausting" Amanda said when she met him by his car "You really think no one saw anything?"

"I got nothing too, not many people were at home anyway so we're gonna have to get back here later" he got into the car and Amanda joined him.

"Let's go back to the station, maybe Fin got an update from the hospital"

"I hope she's awake" Nick glanced at her and drove away.

Having to hide their relationship made the station was the last place they could talk about plans, keeping secrets in a room full of detectives wasn't exactly the easiest thing. Sometimes Amanda was certain everybody knew everything. When things started to get serious she'd walk into the squad room feeling like all eyes were on her and Nick, like they could read them. But if that was the case someone would have said something by now, even if not to her face, some people would gossip about it and just like every other work place – everyone would soon find out.

At this point they both felt pretty safe, no one was talking, no one was acting weird around them. So they continued seeing each other behind everybody's backs, it wasn't anyone's business, whatever this relationship was.

The car was a safe zone, when it was just the two of them, even if they were working, they could act freely.

"I know you're working a double today, but we're on for tomorrow night, right?" Amanda asked.

"Of course" he smiled "don't know if you'll like what I had planned"

"Planned? I thought we'd just grab a drink at our usual place" she gave him a questioning look. They did go out together, they had a bar they always drank at and a few restaurants that were off the radar for any of their coworkers. But they never made _plans_ plans.

"I thought we'd change it up a bit" they stopped at a red light and he looked at her "it's not like we're going sky diving"

"That's a shame, I'd actually like that" Amanda smiled at him, it was sweet of Nick to think of something different, even if it wasn't as original as skydiving.

"Duly noted" the light turned green and before driving Nick allowed his palm to graze hers.

* * *

Nick and Amanda let Fin know they got squat but he had something to share with them.

"The hospital sent some evidence to the lab and there was something on her hands" he handed Amanda a photo "apparently it's make up, white make up"

"That doesn't help us, how's she doing?" she asked.

"No good news about that unfortunately, no change" Fin sat back at his desk "I'll make a call, get some help when Amaro and I go back to the crime scene and see if anybody who wasn't at home now saw anything"

A few hours later it was time for Amanda to go home, she said goodbye to the guys and walked to her car. Even though she knew Nick would go back to his place after his double shift, she wished he'd come by hers. Not that they spent every night together, but lately they've been spending less nights apart and it made her happy. She wasn't going to mention any of this to Nick, but if she was being honest with herself – she missed him when he spent the night away from her. She loved falling asleep next to him, waking up next to him. Amanda was getting used to it, she didn't want it to stop.

Not that they were talking about ending things, but the fact it was forbidden was always there, hanging above them. When they were together neither spoke of it but Amanda knew that when they were apart, Nick, just like her, was worried about it.

* * *

I spot him stepping out of his car. Nick Amaro.

I was walking home with my groceries. Today I walked through what used to be the park. I used to spend so much time there when I was a child. I still remember one day, my parents were busy in their bedroom and I did not want to bother them and left the house alone. I knew the way to the park and was not lost. There was nobody there but me, as if it was only mine. I remember running around, lifting rocks and putting them back on the ground. I saw a wounded bird, it was so tiny and I could not heal it. But this did not mean I could not help it. I took a rock and put it out if it's misery. I dug a hole in the ground and buried the bird. No one would do that for it, so I did. I cared enough.

Nick Amaro.

He is standing by the same car he showed up in this morning. He was with another man and I watch as they talk, first to each other, later to other officers.

I am holding the big brown paper bag. What would Nick like to eat? I know I could make him something good for dinner, he looks like he enjoys a good steak. If I am wrong, I can make him something else, whatever he wants.

They all walk to different directions and he enters another building so I walk towards mine. I wait by the window until he shows up again. He sits in the car and drives away. I wish he came by, I want to see him.

The card is on the table and I touch it softly, afraid it would disintegrate and I would lose the only thing Nick gave me. But my eyes will not burn it and I love looking at this card. It mentions the precinct he works at and it is not hard for me to drive there.

I wait by the parking lot, I have already recognized his car, soon he will show me where he lives. We will drive there together.

Walking to his car Nick yawns. I find it sweet, he is tired after a long day. If only he would drive to my apartment, I would take away the weight of his profession, treat him like he should be treated.

He sits in the driver's seat and a moment later we are off, I will finally see the place.

* * *

The following day it's Amanda who has an update for Fin. The hospital let her know the girl is still sedated but her vitals are stronger.

"Pretty good news I guess" he sits down.

"How did it go last night?" she asked, she didn't get a chance to talk to Nick after his double shift.

"Nothing, seems like nobody saw anything" Fin shrugged and looked at his screen "or maybe no one's talking, wouldn't be the first time"

"Could be, but we checked her out, nothing that would suggest any criminal affiliations" Amanda knew that even if they couldn't find anything – it didn't mean it wasn't covered up. But she had a hunch this wasn't the case.

"Morning" Nick walked into the room and took off his jacket "anything?" he looked at Amanda knowing she showed up first but she shook her head "I have court in two hours" he threw a quick glance at his watch "the Smith case, I can't wait to get the bastard behind bars"

Fin chuckled "careful with all this enthusiasm, he's got a fancy lawyer with a bag of tricks I'm not hundred percent sure Barba's ready for"

"I'll be sure to tell him you said that" Nick took a deep breath, Fin had a point, technicalities were like the enemy. They worked so hard to do everything by the book to avoid them, but sometimes you just couldn't do it, sometimes the rules had to be bent, even Nick knew that. He just hoped this time things would work out, for the victim's sake.

* * *

I have never been to the court house before. It is a beautiful building. Nick walks inside with another man, he has a lot of coworkers. I will get to know all of their names. He nods at him and I cannot hear what he says, but he stops walking for a moment, maybe he is reassuring him about something.

They disappear and I wait for a long time. I sit and stare at the entrance, anticipating his exit. Time passes, minutes, hours. I could not have missed him. I did not take my eyes off the building so I know he is still in there.

Finally, Nick emerges, next to the same man I saw earlier. They stand and look at a younger guy, a teenager. Nick looks unhappy, mad even. I am not too close but I can see the anger is directed to the younger guy. What has he done to Nick?

Since I know where Nick lives following the teenager feels better. He is not alone and he gets into a black car with a driver and someone who could only be his father. I recognize him from the news. He owns many buildings. What did his son do to Nick?

* * *

When they got a moment alone Amanda asked Nick if he still wanted to get together that night. She knew how upset he was after the trial and didn't want to push it.

"Nothing changed" he took a sip of his glass, he'd stopped drinking that nasty energy drink and tried to stick to water when he was at work "not for me" he gave her a questioning look, maybe she changed her mind.

"I'll see you then" she walked back to her desk, trying to hide a smile.

"What are you smiling about?" Fin caught her and Amanda shrugged.

* * *

"Hey" Amanda opened the door and smiled at Nick. He looked very handsome wearing a pair of jeans and a buttoned up shirt with no tie, he kept those for work.

"You look beautiful" he smiled, it was a simple green dress with short sleeves "not an outfit for skydiving"

"I can just take it off for that part" she kept her voice serious "that's not a problem"

"Now I feel bad we're not going skydiving" he helped her with her coat and they said goodbye to Frannie.

* * *

I don't understand what he is doing. I waited for him by his apartment and stayed there for almost two hours before leaving. I tried to guess what he was doing at home but could not imagine anything except for the ordinary things. I want to be a part of that.

He drove to another building and did not spend a lot of time there. Nick walked outside with a woman. I know her. I saw her the day we first met, the day we fell in love. She works with him so why are they walking together now?

He opens the car's door for her.

Why?

She smiles at him before sitting and I notice the quick caress, her hand touches his.

This is not right. This is not supposed to be happening.

We drive for a long time, I try to stay far enough but the curiosity almost takes over. Luckily they stop and Nick parks the car. I do the same not far from his. They do not notice me.

She laughs when she sees the place, inside there are people drinking and dancing. I want to dance with Nick but am forced to watch as he gets them drinks and some food, I cannot see what they are eating but it is not a steak.

Then they dance. She grins at him before Nick grabs her hand and leads her to the floor. I can tell she is a little nervous but as he holds her and twirls her it is gone.

No.

He is making a mistake, pulling her to his body for a slower dance.

I am a good dancer. I have learned from my parents and they danced with one another all of the time. There is no comparing us. From the movements inside I can tell the rhythm is no longer slow. They are laughing at each other, she tilts her head back. He kisses her. These are not her lips.

This cannot go on. I touch the door handle but there is nothing I can do now. He loves me and soon it will all be cleared up. I will not be angry at him, I will forgive and we will move on.

Love conquers all.

He must have gotten tired of her as they make their way outside. I hide when they are by the car. I can hear them.

* * *

"You're just full of surprises Nick" Amanda smiled and mocked him a bit "I wasn't sure you'd be a good dancer"

"It's all about the partner" he winked and gave her a quick kiss. They were far enough and he wasn't worried they'd meet someone from the station.

"Oh…" Amanda wrapped her arms around him "let's go back to my place, you're a good partner for something else too" she gave him a playful smack on the ass and was about to walk to the passenger seat when he placed his hands on her shoulders.

"Amanda" Nick's expression was serious now "thanks for this…you make everything better" he wanted to say he loved her but Amanda leaned in for a kiss and her lips felt too good to interrupt them with words.

* * *

I am upset as we drive back. He parks the car by her building and again they walk out smiling at each other. Nick holds her hand as they walk inside and I do not know how long I should stay.

I remember the card and know what I should do. Tomorrow I will call him and he will come to my apartment, he will need me.

The words Nick said to that woman were wrong. It was not her who made things better, it was me. I am the one who fixed it.

* * *

tbc...


	3. Chapter 3

I could not sleep at night. Thinking about Nick with her. I know I will forgive him, I could not stay mad at him for a long time, but it hurts. It burns when my Nick is touching another woman, even if it is a lie, even if she did not make things better for him, Nick is there. I can almost guess how his touch feels. What it will do to me. But he is with her, and his mouth is touching hers.

I whisper "do not do it" in the dark room, praying he would hear it, that my words will reach his ears somehow.

* * *

Nick woke up with a smile, Amanda's back was almost glued to his stomach and his arms were wrapped around her.

"Morning" he whispered into her hair, planting kisses wherever his lips could reach.

"Mmmm…" she mumbled and pressed her body even closer to his "this is better than an alarm clock"

He loosened his grip so she could turn around in his embrace and once her eyes were looking into his he kissed her soft lips.

"We should get up" Amanda closed her eyes and leaned her head against Nick's chest. She loved those little moments with him and hated when they were interrupted by reality. Every extra minute she was able to steal was a blessing and Nick never argued about that.

"We definitely should" he agreed without pulling away, Nick was right there with her trying to make this last.

It was Frannie who ended up forcing them to leave the bed. The dog wanted to go outside and licked Amanda's feet until there was no ignoring her.

"Ok girl" Amanda sat up and stretched. Nick stared at her with a grin on his face, if Frannie had a little more patience he'd probably pull her under the covers again.

"You gonna go home?" she got out of bed and pulled some clothes on, Frannie was jumping around so a shower and breakfast would have to wait.

"I'll wait for you, make us something to eat if that's ok" Nick sat up slowly and smiled when she nodded at him "see you soon" he said after she leaned in for another kiss.

Once he heard the door close Nick got up and took a quick shower. He felt comfortable in Amanda's place, even though it was smaller than his. But his place seemed too big now, he was the only one living there and he missed the sound of another person in the house.

He dried off and pulled on his boxers before going into the small kitchen.

Amanda's fridge was always half empty, she usually had some leftovers and a bit of fruits and vegetables if he was lucky. She told him once that she used to cook when she was living back in Atlanta with her mother and sister. She kept the story vague but Nick read between the lines and understood that she was responsible on feeding the three of them because her mother was busy with other activities. Nick knew her well enough to know not to push too hard, but he hoped that one day she would open up to him and share all of it, all of her. Maybe he should do that first, there were many things he kept inside but lately he wanted to tell her more. Should he tell her he loves her?

That was still hard for Nick to do. Yeah, there was the whole 'we work together and this is against the rules' thing, but love was also something he never really expected to find again. The way things ended up with Maria…sometimes he couldn't remember he used to love her.

A part of him was scared, it's easy to keep this a fling, leave emotions out of it, then you don't get hurt.

But it was too late, mixing the vegetables Nick knew the feelings he's been having towards Amanda were not going anywhere.

* * *

Amanda took a quick shower once she returned and Nick played with Frannie until she was done.

"Thank you" she sat on the couch and Nick handed her a plate.

He turned on the TV before sitting beside her. They ate and talked, not paying much attention to the news until a familiar name was mentioned.

"Last night the body of Carter Smith, the son of Trevor Smith, a known businessman, was found not too far from his home. Smith was charged with rape but yesterday a judge declared a mistrial and he was freed. Sources in the police department say that they are checking a few leads and that this may not be connected to the charges…"

"What the?" Nick's eyes widened and he struggled to swallow the last bit of food "I have to go" he stood up quickly and Amanda followed.

"Ok" she took the plate from his hands, he didn't even realize he was still holding it.

Nick walked back to the bedroom so he could get dressed and by the time he was done Amanda had already finished cleaning up.

"I'll see you at the station" he kissed her and petted Frannie before leaving.

* * *

Neither was surprised to find the precinct in chaos. Two homicide detectives were there, getting all the files they had on Carter Smith.

"You were the lead detective?" one of them asked Nick.

"Yeah, I have no doubt she" he was referring to the girl Smith raped "had nothing to do with this"

"I appreciate the input" the detective nodded "but we still have to check it out, this is a high profile case and you can imagine the whole brass is looking over our shoulders right now"

"I know how high profile cases are" he knew that asking where were all this people when the girl was hurt was useless, but he couldn't help but think about it "can you please let me know what you find out before it's on the news?"

"Sure, if you won't mind me asking where were you last night" the detective looked into Nick's eyes and he realized they could suspect him, not like he was Smith's advocate, on the contrary, add that to his past behavior…

"I was with a friend" he lowered his voice, he didn't want any of his coworkers to hear and ask about this _friend_ , but he couldn't lie either "and there will be no problem proving that"

"Good to know, but right now I don't think we need to verify that" he turned to Nick before leaving "but don't skip town"

Nick was about to say something when his phone rang, he didn't recognize the number.

"Amaro" he said.

"Detective?" it was a woman.

"Yes" the voice didn't sound familiar "hello?" he asked after a few seconds of silence had done by.

"This is Leigh Henrie, you were at my apartment to ask about the assault that happened here"

"Ms. Henrie, of course, can I help you?" he wondered if she had any information for him, since the girl was still sedated.

"There is something that I saw, I am sorry for lying but…please, would you come here again?"

"I will, I can be there soon if that's alright with you" Nick decided to leave the questions for later and ask everything face to face.

"Of course, I will be waiting"

Nick hang up and walked over to Fin who was making himself a cup of coffee "I'm gonna head out to talk to a possible witness, that rape case nobody saw or heard anything"

"So someone came clean then, ha?" Fin looked up.

"Apparently, wanna go with me?" Nick offered.

"No, I've got to check something with the lab, I think you can handle it" Fin chuckled and walked back to his desk.

"I will do my best" he smiled and took his jacket before walking to the car.

* * *

Where is he? I cannot wait any longer. Nick is on his way here, does he know already? I need to see his eyes, to see the relief in them, that anger from yesterday gone – because of me. I sit and wait, every sound makes me rush to the door, even when it is not a knock.

But then I finally hear the sound I have been anticipating for so long. His hand touches my door and I walk over to it, to let him inside.

"Ms. Henrie" he smiles when I open it for him.

"Please come in detective" I let him through and shut the door.

"So you have information for me?" he holds the notepad in his hands.

"Can I serve you a drink first, coffee or tea?" I offer but he shakes his head.

"Thank you Ms. Henrie…"

"Please call me Leigh" I say and walk to the kitchen, he may have refused my offer but I pour him water anyway.

"Thank you Leigh" he takes the glass "how about you tell me what you saw"

"I must apologize, I know I said I have not seen anything but…" he puts the glass on the counter without even taking a sip. I turn away and wait for him to walk over.

"Why haven't you told me the truth?" he asks.

"Because I am afraid" it is hard not to look into his face, into his warm eyes. But I must stay strong.

"Afraid?" I hear him walk closer "afraid of what?"

"Of him" I reply.

"You know who did this?" he walks faster, until he is standing in front of me.

"I do not know his name" I shake my head a little "but I have seen him here before, I lied because I think he is dangerous, I am right, after what he did to her…" I walk away again and lean against a wall, next to a picture of a bird.

"My father drew it" I tell Nick "he was a painter and loved birds"

"It's beautiful" he smiles "can you describe the man you saw?"

I nod and look at him, there is so much I want to tell and show him. Why is he only asking about this? I want him to share his life with me, I want to share my every thought, every wish and desire with him.

"He is Hispanic, he was wearing a hoodie but I am certain it was him" I move closer to Nick, he writes my words in the notepad. I love the way his hand moves, so fast, what I have just said will always be a part of him.

"Will you go down to the station and describe him to a sketch artist?"

"No" I say and he looks up "what if he will see me or find out somehow? I cannot go there" I do not want to go to his work place yet, to meet everyone there. That woman.

I am upset he was with her, but I know soon it will be over, I will be the only woman he will see, everyone else will be shadows to him. So I forgave him, I cannot stay mad at him, not after what he is saying to me now.

"If it will make you feel safer I can get someone to come here, but you have nothing to be afraid of, we can protect you"

I know Nick wants to keep me safe, the words and the look in his eyes prove it to me, I can trust him.

So I open my mouth to speak, to tell him just how much he means to me and how, without him knowing, I was there for him.

But his phone rings.

"Amaro" he answers and listens as whoever it is talks "good news, yes, I will meet you there"

Was she the one who called him? He places the phone in his pocket and looks at me.

"I have to go, but I will call you later today about the sketch artist, ok?"

I nod, I cannot speak, how can he leave? I need him to stay with me, to love me, I helped Nick, I am the one.

He says goodbye and walks out of the door. I want to shout 'stay', but it is too late.

He is gone, still unaware I am the one who got rid of that Carter Smith, the one who made Nick so angry. I am the one who killed him.

* * *

tbc...


	4. Chapter 4

Nick spotted Amanda standing by the nurse's station. She was checking something on her phone but raised her eyes at him before he got a chance to call her name.

"Hey" she smiled and put the phone in her pocket "how'd it go? Fin told me you spoke to a witness"

"She didn't have much info, but I called Fin, he's gonna check it out" he let her know "so she's awake?"

"Yeah" Amanda nodded "the doctor said she's ready to talk"

"How's she doing?"

"He said she's gonna be fine, gonna take some time but she will heal"

"That's good, let's go talk to her" he said.

* * *

"Trudy?" Amanda walked into the room, followed by Nick.

"Yes, you're the detectives?" the young woman sat up a little.

"I'm detective Rollins, this is detective Amaro" Amanda glanced at Nick and turned her attention back to Trudy "how are you feeling?"

"Shitty, as you can guess" she looked at them "but I know who did it"

"You saw him?" Nick asked, remembering the witness mentioned he was Hispanic.

"Trudy nodded before speaking "his name's Tom Allen"

"You know him?" Amanda asked.

"I work at a small theater, he's an actor there. He's been trying to hook up with me for a while and I said no. I guess he got tired of it and that night he followed me and attacked me"

Amanda wrote down everything Trudy had said "we found some white makeup on your hands, do you know how it got there?"

"From his face, he's playing a role of a vampire in this play and I tried to fight him but…" she shrugged.

"Do you remember what he was wearing?" Nick asked her.

"Not really, nothing special, jeans, I don't remember the shirt and he had a hat on…I…" she took a deep breath and shook her head.

"I'm sorry, we will do everything we can to catch him, ok?" Amanda moved closer to the bed.

"Thank you"

* * *

"Tom Allen" Nick whispered to himself.

"Huh?" Amanda turned to look at him, she wasn't sure what he said.

"This witness I spoke to today, Leigh Henrie, she said it was a Hispanic guy, but that doesn't sound like that's the case, she said she didn't really see his face, there's no way she wouldn't notice the makeup"

"Why would she say that if she didn't see his face?"

"I don't know" Nick shrugged "Trudy seems sure it was this Allen guy. I told Fin about the witness and he said he's gonna look into it, she also mentioned he was wearing a hoodie"

"Trudy said he was wearing a hat…We have to get back to the station anyway, see who this guy is before we bring him in, worry about the witness later"

"It's just that I don't want to leave anything for chance here, if Trudy says she knows the guy, why would someone else say it's a different person?"

"I thought she said she didn't get a look at his face?" Amanda asked.

"Yes but…after the other case I don't want to take any risks…don't want some lawyer asking why we have contradicting testimonies"

Amanda knew that Nick's been feeling bad about the last case "I called a friend from homicide, he said Carter's been ran over, they are trying to find the car"

"It wasn't mine" Nick raised his hands a little and Amanda chuckled.

"Good thing you have an alibi" she winked.

"You don't think they're gonna ask, right?" he looked somewhat worried.

"Of course not, no one's suspecting you Nick" they stopped by Amanda's car. They came in separately so they had to say goodbye.

"You're sure about it?" he smiled.

"Seriously?" she let out a laugh before getting into the car.

* * *

"Here's Allen's address" Fin greeted his fellow detectives and gave Amanda a piece of paper "let's go have a word with him"

"You tried to look into the other info I got? From the witness" Nick asked.

"I got nothing, but if the victim pointed at this Allen guy let's stay on that"

"Trudy was certain" Amanda joined the conversation "so maybe this Leigh thought it was someone else, she told you she didn't see his face so…"

"I know" Nick nodded "it was probably just a mistake"

"We're gonna focus on what the victim said, let's go Rollins" Fin and Amanda walked to the elevator but before leaving Amanda glanced at Nick, flashing him a quick smile.

* * *

Nick sat on one of the bunk beds and took out his phone. He felt like there was something more going on. The victim, Trudy, knew the assailant, there was no doubt in her voice she knew who attacked her. But he couldn't figure out why Leigh would say that, it didn't make any sense.

Nick dialed and waited until he heard the familiar voice "hey Nick"

"Hey Liv" he said "how's your vacation?"

"Almost forgot how time off feels" she laughed "how's it going there?"

"We're handling things, don't worry about us. But I am calling cause I need an advice" Nick told her about the case, about Leigh's sudden call and what she had said about the assailant "Fin and Rollins are checking him out right now, I just can't shake the fact that there's something…there was something about the way she told me about the guy…"

"Like she's afraid of him?" Olivia asked.

"I don't know"

"Look Nick, it's hard to know what to do, even after all my years at SVU some cases are still so unclear. But if you think there's something there then you should check it out. Maybe she called you because she felt like someone would listen, like this was an opportunity for her to tell someone about a man she's afraid of"

"You think she lied on purpose?"

"I can't say, but maybe if she did, she lied for a reason, maybe she was trying to say something else"

"So you think I should look into it?"

"If you think something is not adding up, trust your instincts, you're a good detective. For what it's worth, I'd go talk to her again"

"Thanks Liv, enjoy the rest of your time off"

"I will"

* * *

It didn't take Amanda and Fin a long time to return, they brought Tom Allen in and Nick watched as they interrogated him. Once they let him know that Trudy told them everything and about the fact they found makeup on her hands he confessed, admitting to everything. She refused his offer again and he couldn't take it, he didn't mean to hurt her but he followed her and at a certain point something took over him.

They called Barba who told them he'll start on the paper work. The case was as good as closed.

* * *

Nick was lying in Amanda's bed, her head was rested against his shoulder, her hair a bit sweaty. His fingers were lazily drawing shapes on her stomach. With every passing day, heck, every passing hour, he wanted to say it, tell her he loved her.

"We didn't even eat yet" she mumbled against his skin.

Nick brought them takeout, but the moment he placed it on the counter their lips met and they didn't care about the food.

"You're hungry?" Nick asked.

"I am" she nodded, keeping her forehead by his skin "but I really don't want to get up"

"Why don't I bring it over here?" he kissed the top of her head.

Amanda lifted herself up to look into his eyes "not yet babe" she kissed him and allowed her hand to travel lower and her mouth to move to his ear "we'll eat…eventually"

* * *

He is in there again. With her. How can he do this to me? To us? Disrespect our love. He has to miss me by now. I miss him so much, it is so painful. Excruciating. Why is he touching her? His hands belong to me, they cannot be next to her, on her. I want him to spend the night with me. I want him to spent every night with me.

Nick Amaro is mine.

He is mine and mine alone.

Soon he will know that.

* * *

"Don't distract me" Amanda was trying to make them omelets for breakfast but Nick was doing a damn good job shifting her focus from the eggs by placing his lips on the back of her neck.

"I don't mind if they burn" he said "do you?"

"If you keep this up…" she lost her words for a moment when Nick nibbled on a sensitive spot "I won't…and you won't be able to complain about me never making you anything"

"Then I'm gonna take the food" he moved away abruptly and she turned to him, a little upset.

"So you'd rather have an omelet than me?"

He grabbed a fork and tasted the eggs "worth it"

"Ok, I get it" she acted insulted "I guess we're just gonna eat quietly…" she took out a pair of plates.

He watched as she placed the food on them and smiled, walking back to her "how bout we eat quickly, then I'll show you my gratitude…cause I really" he kissed her neck again "I really appreciate you making us breakfast"

Some days he had no idea how they made it on time, he could easily get lost in her and time would just pass. But thankfully, they were always on time, the two of them showing up late would raise more than a few eyebrows.

Nick played with Frannie while he waited for Amanda to get dressed. He thought about his conversation with Olivia, he had a bizarre feeling about Leigh, like something was going on, maybe this was her way to ask for help?

"Ready?" Amanda walked into the living room.

"Yeah" he stood up "listen, I've got this thing I have to do after work, is it ok if we meet up a little later?" he grabbed his car kiss, they always drove separately.

"No problem" she gave him a quick kiss "see you then"

* * *

tbc...


	5. Chapter 5

I stayed there all night. Looking at the gray walls. Knowing that somewhere behind them my love was with another woman. I try to forgive. Because I love him. It is so hard, it is so very hard to forgive. I let it go and then I remember. I know he is in there. With her. Not with me where he belongs.

You are making a mistake Nick. Wasting time with her. She does not deserve you. You belong with me. You are mine. I am yours. That is how love works. Only the two of us.

Only the two of us.

* * *

Nick looked around, Amanda was pouring herself a cup of coffee and she was alone. It was the end of the day and he wanted to say goodbye.

"Hey" he smiled and opened the fridge, he didn't want to take anything, didn't even look inside "I'll call you later, I still don't know when I'll be done"

"Sure" Amanda took a sip of the warm drink. She didn't want to pry, knowing he would have told her about his plans if he wanted to. She had something to do too.

* * *

Amanda was sitting on the bench, she didn't have to wait long for the man, he was never late.

"How's it going Rollins?" he sat next to her.

"Not bad, how are you Weller? Am I gonna see you on Sunday?"

"I'll be there, if we get anywhere with this case. The captain is practically forcing us to work over time till we close it"

Detective Adam Weller was a homicide detective. Amanda met him at a GA meeting. They were anonymous, but when he recognized her Weller introduced himself so there wouldn't be any awkwardness in case they meet working on a case.

They ended up talking once in a while, neither had a sponsor and in a way they were each other's. Amanda could talk to Fin and Nick but it wasn't the same as having someone who really knew how it felt, who understood both the demands of the job and the requirements of battling the addiction.

"How's the investigation going?" she asked.

"We know it's a black car, we can't find it though. I think I've been to every garage in the city and no one saw anything"

"So you have nothing new?"

"No, and don't worry, we don't think it's connected to the rape investigation, or investigator" he looked at her "he has an alibi, so do you"

Apart from her and Nick, Weller was the only one who knew about them. They talked about relationships and she shared about hers, not giving too many details. But she did say that she's been seeing someone she wasn't really supposed to, but it felt right, not how gambling used to feel right. Really right.

"Your captain should look at Carter's enemies, not the officers who are doing their jobs"

"Trust me, he is under so much pressure, he's suspecting everyone" he chuckled.

"What do you think?" she asked him.

"I don't think it was planned, seems more like a crime of opportunity to me, we spoke to an ex girlfriend but she has an alibi, we're trying to contact a few others who moved away but doubt they came back for that scumbag. I don't know" he shrugged and stood up "I gotta go, I'm working a double. All the best Rollins"

"You too Weller and let me know if you find anything"

* * *

Amanda took Frannie out for a long walk. They played at the park for over an hour. She showered for a long time and made herself something to eat. She was hungry and decided not to wait for Nick. She didn't ask what he was up to, she trusted him.

Yes, she trusted all of her coworkers. When you become a cop you realize your life is not only in your hands, but also in your partner's. So she had no doubt that her partner would take a bullet for her, she would do the same.

But away from work, just the two of them, Amanda had a different kind of trust in Nick. She trusted he wouldn't hurt her, wouldn't break her heart.

There were no missed calls so she turned on the television "come on girl" she patted Frannie "let's see what's on TV"

Time passed, one program ended and another started. Frannie got bored lying on the couch and walked away. Amanda rested her head on a pillow, she missed Nick. She didn't like admitting that, accepting that in a way she needed him. He made her feel good, physically and emotionally. Made her feel like she had someone.

She didn't want to call him, act like a jealous girlfriend…not that she was his girlfriend. They were something though, she had feelings for him and he felt something for her. Amanda knew what she's been feeling. She loved him.

She loved the way it felt to be next to her, when he touched her, in bed or out. The way he caressed her lower back, kissed her shoulders. Even when she leaned into him and he'd wrap his hands around her while they watched TV.

She'd love it if he did that now.

Amanda yawned, she was getting tired and closed her eyes.

A loud noise woke Amanda up. She sat up, a little confused. There was a music video – that was the source of the noise. Amanda looked at the phone, it was pretty late and there were no missed calls.

She dialed his number. Right now this wasn't about being anything else but worried.

Why wasn't he answering?

* * *

Nick knocked on the door. He didn't tell anyone where he was going. Barba said there won't be a trial, they made a deal. So there was no need to follow Leigh's statement. But Nick wanted to follow it, he felt like there was something underneath the lie. He'd talk to her, see if there was a reason to suspect something and go home, to Amanda.

He realized he thought about Amanda as his home, _home is where the heart it_ , isn't that what they say? That's what he's been feeling and he wanted to tell her that. Why was he keeping it to himself? He was in love with her, she needed to know, he needed to tell her, and he will, tonight.

* * *

Nick is at my door.

Finally. I knew he would come to me.

It is time for him to know, it is time for us to be together.

For us to consummate our love.

I open the door for him.

* * *

tbc...


	6. Chapter 6

Nick looks beautiful standing at my doorway. He is wearing a black suit, a blue buttoned up shirt and a dark tie. My heart skips a beat.

"Detective" I whisper, it is hard for me to control my voice. But I do it, and I ask him to enter the house calmly.

"Ms. Henrie" he walks inside.

"Leigh, please" it is sweet, how he insists on being so polite. Not like other men. He is so perfect, I can see in his eyes how caring he is, how much love he has for me and me alone. Only me.

"I wanted to ask you a few questions about what you'd told me" he gives me a nod.

"Of course" I reply, not remembering exactly what it was that I had said.

"We've arrested a suspect, the victim recognized him" I look at him and wait "but you've mentioned a Hispanic man, we arrested somebody else and I wanted to ask you about it"

"Ask me what?" I move closer to him. I love the way he smells. I cannot figure out what he smells like but I want that scent next to me forever.

"Look, I don't know what you've seen, but it couldn't have been that man" he says.

"I must have been wrong" I apologize "I guess I thought it was him…"

"I remember you mentioned he was wearing a hoodie and I just had to ask what made you think it was him?"

"I…" why is he asking me this?

"I'm here because there might be more going on" from the way he looks at me I can tell he is waiting for an answer. I do not know what to say. I want to talk about us, about our love.

I remain quiet so he speaks again "this man, has he ever hurt you?"

He is worried about me. This is why he is here. He wants me safe. Because he loves me.

Whatever doubts I did not have are washed away. Taken away and leave me with the certainty. We are in love.

I take a few steps closer to him and kiss his beautiful lips. He tastes like everything, like everything good in the world. Perfection.

* * *

"This man, has he ever hurt you?" Nick asked, she seemed a bit confused and Nick wondered why, was she lying about the man? But why would she lie? What exactly did she want to gain by telling him something like that…

Her next action pushed every thought away. She kissed him.

Nick pushed her away and backed off "Ms. Henrie…what are you doing?"

* * *

"Oh Nick" I walk to him again "it is alright, I love you" I smile and reach out to touch his shoulder, I want to feel his body.

"I don't know what gave you this idea but…" he speaks, but it does not matter. I know what he is feeling towards me.

"You should not worry, I know that you love me and I love you. I have known from the moment we have met" I touch him, he moves back but I will not keep my distance "I saw the look in your eyes Nick, and it was clear to me. I have waited for you to come, never lost faith and then you showed up" I want to caress his cheek. Feel his skin against mine. I place my hand over my heart "we will be happy together Nick, you and I, our love…it is real"

"I'm sorry Ms. Henrie" he starts but I will not let him continue, I want to kiss him again and again.

"There is nothing wrong here Nick" I try to move closer but he shoves me.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about" he looks at me "but there is nothing going on between us"

He keeps on talking but I do not listen anymore. It is like the entire universe is on mute. He is moving his lips but all I hear is the lie… _there is nothing going on between us_ … no, that is not true. He turns away to leave. But I cannot let him go. If he leaves he might not return and I am not going to give up on our love. He is afraid of it, of our love. I can understand that. Something so great, so amazing, so powerful.

But I will stop him. I must stop him because he is not leaving me. He walks to the door and I grab something. I am not sure what it is and I hit him in the back of his gorgeous head. He falls down.

He looks peaceful lying on the floor. I kiss his forehead and caress his dark hair.

"I forgive you Nick, it is hard to grasp the power of our love so I forgive you" my lips touch his again and I get up. I do not have much time before he wakes up.

* * *

Nick opened his eyes. His head hurt and it took him a few moments to remember. He went to Leigh Henrie's apartment because he thought she was afraid of someone and he wanted to help her. But she wasn't afraid. He should have been.

Nick couldn't move. He was sitting on a chair, hands tied behind it and the legs tied to it. There was some kind of fabric around his mouth and he couldn't speak.

"You are awake" Leigh entered the room, she grinned at him "I am sure you are a bit uncomfortable, but it was necessary" she sat down in front of him "you were about to leave but I could not let you go Nick. You see…" Leigh stood up and touched his shoulder. He flinched but the restrains didn't allow much movement.

"You see Nick, you are just a man and you have never experienced something as great as this, so you have fear. So much fear" she moved her hand lower, from his shoulder to his palm "this is unknown to you. But your heart knows" her hand left his body for just a second and she placed her palm over his heart "I can feel it beating, for me, for the two of us"

Nick mumbled something, he wanted to talk, to convince her she was mistaken but he couldn't speak.

"When I was a child I saw my parents" she stood up again "how much love they had for one another and I knew that one day I will have something like that. Something so amazing" she looked at one of the pictures on the walls "he used to paint birds, I told you that" she smiled at Nick again "I remember her sitting by his side, they would whisper things. It always felt like a different language, even though it was English. I could not understand it" Leigh touched the painting, her finger circled the bird's head "when you showed up the wait was finally over Nick. You came to me like I knew you would" Leigh took one more look at the picture and walked back to Nick, he knew he had to talk to her, to persuade her somehow.

"We are going to be happy Nick" she leaned down next to him and kissed his neck. He couldn't take it and tried to use everything he got to move away. But it didn't work. The chair was bolted to the floor.

"It is going to be so good Nick" she kissed his neck again and her hand traveled down to his thigh "our love" her lips moved to the other side of his neck while her fingers reached his zipper.

Nick shook his head, he tried to free himself again but nothing happened He tried to calm down, try to find a way out of this. He was supposed to be with Amanda right now, she was the only one he wanted to touch him, to kiss him. How strange it felt, lips are just lips, but when Leigh's touched his neck it felt like a knife, like she was hurting him.

Amanda. Was she thinking of him right now? Wondering where he was? What if she thought he didn't care enough to call her? All he wanted was to make her know how much he loved her and now she might never know.

There was a ringing noise coming from his jacket. It was the first time Nick noticed he wasn't wearing it. Leigh got up and walked over to it so she could pick it up. The phone was ringing and she took it out of the pocket.

"Amanda" she said.

* * *

I see another woman's name on the screen and jealousy takes over. I am trying to fight it. To control it. Why would someone call him at this hour? There is only one reason.

It is her.

I turn to Nick and show him the phone. It keeps on ringing and her name is just there.

Amanda.

Amanda.

Amanda.

"It is her, am I right?" I ask "I saw the two of you together" he seems surprised when I say it, another proof of my love.

The noise would not stop.

Amanda.

Like she is not giving up "It is not real between you and her, you and…Amanda" our love is pure and saying her name feels like I am defiling it "it is a lie and must be over. Because…" I touch his cheek "you and I love each other Nick. You must say farewell to this _Amanda_ " I stand up and walk to the window "without words" I open it and throw the phone as far away as I can. It was still ringing when I held it in my palm, but I have silenced it.

I walk back to Nick and he looks down. He seems sad now. But I know how to fix it.

* * *

Nick's head still hurt. She must have hit him really hard. What was she going to do? She mentioned seeing him with Amanda. Did she follow them? Did she know where Amanda lived? What if she'd go after her? He couldn't let that happen. But he was no good tied up here. Who knows how long it would take for his coworkers to find him? What would she do to him by then?

* * *

"It is over now" I tell Nick "maybe you had needs she could fulfill, I forgive you for that, I do. But she does not love you and you do not love her. It is me you are going to choose, it is me you love. It is going to be you and me. We will love each other until the day we die Nick"

I want to kiss those lips again so I must move the fabric that is covering them. I do not let him speak and cover his mouth with mine. I am too excited to be with Nick like this and must take a breath.

"Please" he says and I look at him "you haven't hurt me and I can let this go, if you let me go"

"There is no need for you to leave Nick. We will be so happy here with all of the love between us"

"What you are asking of me" he shakes his head again "I can't do that, you can't keep me here forever. I'm sure someday you will meet someone, but it is not me"

I smile at him "it is you Nick, do not be afraid of these feelings. You have never felt this way before, I know that. It scares me too. But Nick" I look into his eyes "this is not going away, just the two of us forever"

"No" he whispers "this is not real. I don't know you and you don't know me…I have a family, a son and a daughter…I have…"

"Shut up" I stand up and place the fabric over his mouth. I walk to the kitchen to think. He has a daughter. But he cannot have a child. We only have love for each other. When I was young my mother and father only saw one another. I could tell that even when they looked at me I was not really there. And now Nick, my love, he has a daughter. It cannot be. This is a lie. He is lying to me. He wants me to feel sorry for the girl. He thinks I will care. But she is not real. Lies are not real. If he tells me lies he does not…love me.

How could this be?

How could Nick not love me?

I walk back to him. He looks scared now. I lean to his ear and whisper.

"I love you, I did everything for you. I made that man leave this world for you. All for you Nick. My love"

I took a knife with me. I put it in his body. Again and again.

Now he is my wounded bird.


	7. Chapter 7

His phone suddenly went dead. It was ringing for a while, went to voicemail so she called him again. When she tried one more time it died so fast Amanda had no idea what to think.

But she had a bad feeling.

Amanda started pacing in the small living room. It wasn't like Nick not to call or to ignore so many calls. Whatever he's been doing, he would answer or send a text or find a way to let her know he was fine.

What if something was wrong? What if Nick was out helping someone? What if he'd put on his Saint Nick cape and flew to save the world or something?

Amanda grabbed her things and hurried to leave the apartment.

* * *

"I need your help" she sat down in front of Adam Weller. She would have asked Fin for help but that meant revealing the relationship to him. What if she was wrong and everything was fine? The phone wasn't working and he couldn't reach her.

Weller looked surprised to see her "what's up?"

"I need you to trace a phone" she said.

"Why can't you do it? You're a detective, I'm sure you can take care of that" since he knew about the addiction he had to make sure this wasn't something sketchy. He knew from personal experience that a good day could turn bad quickly. She looked like something was wrong and it worried him.

"Listen" she looked around and lowered his voice "this is personal, I can't do it from my precinct"

It didn't exactly ease his worries "what's going on Amanda?"

"It might sound weird but there's something wrong with Nick…I can't reach him and it's not like him to disappear"

"You checked his place?"

"Before coming here" she nodded "I know how it sounds…I feel stupid doing this, worrying…" she looked away, afraid she'd start crying.

Adam's concerns were gone, she must have really liked this guy. He had to admit when he first found out she's been seeing a coworker, and someone she was working so close to, he wasn't sure she was doing the right thing. It wasn't his business, but he cared about her, not in a romantic way, in a fellow addict way – he knew how hard it was to take one day at a time, to live your life with this burden.

But the way she was talking now, trying to hold back the tears. She really cared about him, loved him maybe. Did Nick feel the same about her?

All Weller knew about him were the stories, how he had a somewhat violent side, beat up a perp. But Amanda told him whatever he heard was an exaggeration, he was a good guy. He trusted her.

"Give me his number" he said.

"Thank you"

It took time but eventually he was able to trace a location. It wasn't an exact spot but it was better than nothing.

"This is the area" he showed her the map "means anything to you?"

"I don't know" Amanda tried hard to concentrate, was there anything about this place? Then it was clear, it wasn't too far from the case they'd just closed.

"Why would he go there, the case is closed, there's not going to be a trial because he plead guilty…wait…" she remembered something "there was a witness, but her story didn't match and we dropped it"

"You think he didn't drop it?"

"It's possible" Amanda shrugged.

"Let's check this witness out, what's the name?"

"Leigh Henrie" she replied and watched as he typed "how'd you know?" she noticed he spelled the last name with an 'ie' and not a 'y'.

"Know what?"

"The spelling" she gestured at the last letters.

"Yeah…" he looked at it "it's not the popular spelling…you know what, I think I've seen that name not too long ago" he took out one of the files and looked inside, it was a big one, so many papers.

"What's that?" Amanda asked.

"A list of everyone who owns a black car in the city" he looked at her "yeah, that's just part one…I told you the captain is on our backs" he turned his attention back to the list and pointed at a name "Leonard Henrie, but he's deceased"

Amanda checked the address by the name "we've been there, at that building"

"You told him anything about the investigation?"

"Not about the black car, you told me about it today"

"You want to go check it out?" she nodded, there was nothing else, she couldn't wait. Every second that went by just hurt more, she could almost feel it. Nick was in trouble.

* * *

I look at the blood. I see it. So red. Darkening his shirt.

Nick is breathing hard. Asks me for help and I want to help him. I want to be there for him but he is wounded.

My wounded bird.

"Nick" I drop the knife and move to him, caressing his hair, kissing the top of his head.

"Stop it" he tries to talk, it sounds more like a whisper

"Shh…" I kiss him again, all over his face. He tries to pull away. He tries to distance himself from me.

He is still bleeding. How beautiful it looks.

"Please let me go" he is struggling "I need help...please"

"I am here" I assure him.

Nick is closing his eyes. He looks in pain. It is hard for him to stay awake.

"Sleep" I say right into his ear.

"No" he opens his eyes "you can still save me"

I will do that. I will save my bird.

I get up and walk to my parents' bedroom and rush back after grabbing my father's shovel.

"Sleep" I say and see the frightened look in his eyes before I hit him.

* * *

Amanda parked the car and rushed out of it, followed by Adam. Was Nick there or was she being paranoid? At least going there with Weller gave her an excuse – they were there to check out the car.

"This is it" he said once they were standing in front of her door and waited for to Amanda knock. It took her a second, and she looked scared so he did it.

But there was no answer.

He tried harder but still nothing "maybe she's not in there" he looked at Amanda.

"Maybe" she knocked, this time calling Leigh's name.

"I'm gonna check with the super, ask him to open the door for us" it was getting late but he'd wake him up if he had to.

Amanda wanted to thank him but the words didn't come out. Adam left and she was left there alone, listening to the silence, everything seemed blank to her.

Weller was back with the key a few minutes later, it felt like so much more to Amanda. The super wasn't asleep but he wasn't too thrilled about opening the door for the detective. He said Leigh's been living here for years and never gave him any trouble, she owned the apartment, inherited it after her parents died. But Weller convinced him and promised to be back with a warrant and with other policeman in the middle of the night, which he could easily do because it seemed like no one refused anything when it came to the investigation of Carter Smith's murder.

Adam tried knocking one last time and unlocked the door. They walked into the apartment and Amanda's eyes fell on the floor, there's a black jacket there, she recognized it, it's Nick's.

But then she noticed the blood. She knew it was Nick's.

* * *

I am not weak.

People see me and think so. But I am strong.

I untied Nick and he fell on the floor. I brought a blanket and wrapped him in it.

I am strong enough to carry him, take him away so he could rest with the other birds.

* * *

 _Sorry for the short chapter._

 _To be honest, I'm a bit unsure where I want to take this (which is why it's taken me longer to update). There are a few options and I don't know what I want to do._


	8. Chapter 8

All Amanda could focus on was the blood. She thought she heard Adam's voice as he called for back up and quickly checked the apartment. Amanda felt useless. Couldn't even move, she wanted to take the jacket, because maybe she was wrong, it didn't belong to Nick. But it was his, how many times did she help him put it on, take it off?

Amanda took a deep breath, she had to calm down. She couldn't fall apart now, not when Nick might still need her, if he was alive. She looked at the blood, he lost a lot of it, but he still had a chance. She had to hope so.

"There's nobody here" Weller walked back to the living room "Amanda?" she was staring at the blood "Amanda" Adam walked closer to her "Hey' he tapped her shoulder and she raised her eyes at him but it felt like she was looking straight through him "Rollins!" he raised his voice and finally she snapped out of it.

"Sorry" she said.

"If you need a moment, or more than that…you can go outside, I get it. But if you want to help you have to ignore these feelings, backup will get here soon"

"I'm fine" Amanda shook her head "I'm fine, I don't need a moment"

"Ok" Weller nodded "we need to figure out what happened, from the looks of it, the blood, I guess it hasn't been that long…"

"She must have found a way to get him out of here" Amanda said "he must be…not doing very well" she had to be strong for him, sitting and waiting would do no good.

"I got a BOLO on the car and we're gonna have officers interviewing the neighbors. You should call your squad"

Another detective walked into the apartment, Amanda recognized him from homicide, he walked straight to Weller and Amanda walked outside to call Fin.

"What's up Rollins?" he answered straight away.

"Fin…" she started, not sure how and what to say "it's Nick…I think he's been hurt and…I…"

She'd managed to let him know where she was and he promised to be there as soon as possible.

While they were on the phone more officers came by and Weller explained the situation, the little bit they knew. He sent some of them to talk to possible witnesses while he walked around, trying to find any clues.

"You got anything?" Amanda asked.

"Someone has an obsession with birds" he looked at the paintings and pictures hanged on the walls.

"Yeah…"

"Excuse me detective" a young policeman walked into the room "there's a neighbor here…she knows the resident, I think you should hear her out"

"Let's go" they followed him.

"This is Mrs. Marks, she's been living here for years" the officer said.

"Nice to meet you Mrs. Marks" Adam said "you know Ms. Henrie?"

"Oh yes" the older woman nodded "I've known her family for years, her parent were lovely people"

"Were?" Amanda asked, she remembered the father was deceased.

"They died in a car accident about five years ago, maybe six…" she tried to remember the exact year.

"It is very important for us to find her" Amanda said "do you have any idea where she could be?"

"Leigh is very nice, I remember her as a little girl, always running around, running away…she loved that" Mrs. Marks smiled, remembering the old days.

"We need to know where she might be now, do you know if there was a place she liked, a job?" Weller asked.

"I don't know if she has a job…I don't know if you know" she lowered her voice "her dad was a bit famous, he was a painter, so I guess he left her a lot of money"

"Can you think of anywhere she'd go?" Amanda asked but the old lady shook her head and started talking about birds again. Weller told the officer to stay with the woman and call him if she says anything important.

"You and Amaro had plans, a movie or something" Adam looked at Amanda.

"What?" she was confused, there was no movie.

"That's what I told my captain, he didn't show so you came to visit me, so we'd go together" he was whispering, if anyone would find out about Amanda and Nick seeing each other, it might get them in trouble "you saw me checking the car owners and noticed her name, that's why we came here…he mentioned something about her"

"So I thought it's not a coincidence her father's name is on that list when she just lied to us about witnessing that assault"

"Yes" he nodded "it's not that far from the truth"

"I don't care if the truth comes out, as long as we find him"

"I know, and you're more than welcome to tell your squad, but I don't think that coming clean right now is the best idea"

"Let's just go back to the apartment, we're wasting time"

They walked into Leigh's place, officers were going through every spot in it. CSU gathered evidence.

Amanda tried to think. Leigh first lied to Nick and when he came to talk to her she hurt him. Why?

It's not like he came here blaming her, knowing Nick he probably wanted to make sure she was alright and not hurt by the guy she mentioned.

Nick had a good heart.

What about her? The neighbor mentioned her running away as a girl, she said her father was a painter. He was probably the one who loved birds so much. Amanda looked around, focused on the photograph. Family was the biggest influence, what did the family photos tell her?

There were a lot of them, and only of her parents. They were hugging, kissing, talking. There were none of the three of them. Where was Leigh?

All Amanda could see were the parents and birds. Amanda walked through the entire place and was able to find one picture. A little girl, standing in what was probably a park. Amanda didn't recognize it. The expression on the girl's face was a tad weird, like she was saying something.

"Anything?" she turned to see Weller.

"I'm trying to figure her out, who is she and where'd she go" Amanda said "it feels like she doesn't live here, like it only belongs o her parents and birds"

"Adam looked at the photograph in Amanda's hand.

"What do you mean?"

"It feels like she doesn't belong here…" she shrugged, not sure what that means.

"Where would she go than?" he asked, another detective was looking into her families properties, but there was nothing yet.

"I wish I knew" she really wanted to, wanted to save Nick.

She placed the photograph in it's place and was about to walk away, maybe looking at all the blood would force her to think harder.

"This isn't too far" Adam said suddenly "the park, it's not a park now but I know it…"

Not like they had any other options. Adam told one of the other detectives he'd be back later and let him know where he's going.

They rushed to what used to be the park, it was a building site now.

* * *

Nick is asleep on the ground. He looks peaceful. I tell him I love him, because I still do. I miss my park. I miss my birds.

I take the shovel to dig the grave. Nick is bigger than a bird so it will take longer. It is hard but I will not stop. I need to put Nick to rest.

I remind myself I love him. He is my bird.

I work faster now, my feelings for him force me to, he needs to rest.

"Soon" I look at him, still asleep. He will sleep forever and I will remember him like this.

I do not know if he is breathing so I am about to lean closer when I hear something. Somebody calls my name.


	9. Chapter 9

_I always say that when I write a story it has a mind of it's own, this one's no different. The story takes a little turn…_

* * *

It was her.

Amanda saw Leigh. She was digging something.

Adam called for backup and an ambulance and they both rushed out of the car.

"Leigh!" Adam shouted as they ran towards her.

She looked so confused and then scared. Amanda could see Nick's body on the ground but she couldn't figure out what state he was in.

Leigh raised the shovel to threat the detectives and Adam took out his gun "put it down or I shoot" he said.

"Stay away" she screamed at them.

"Is he alive?" Amanda asked.

"Get away from me" Leigh repeated.

"Put down the shovel and we'll talk" Adam said, looking straight at her.

They could hear the sirens, the other officers and the ambulance were getting closer. Leigh slowly started lowering the shovel, Adam kept his gun pointed at her, afraid she might try something. he was right.

The moment it touched the ground Leigh lifted it back up, with some dirt in it and threw it on the detectives. It distracted them for less than a second but it was enough for her to try and run, still holding the shovel.

Weller rushed after her, but Amanda had no such plans. From the corner of her eye she could see the ambulance and walked to Nick.

He was lying in a white blanket, it had red stains from his blood.

"Nick" she whispered, not sure whether she should touch him or if it would hurt him more. He was unconscious, lying there without moving.

Amanda felt someone touching her shoulder, the paramedic. She moved away to allow him and his partner to work.

Two officers ran towards them and she pointed at the direction Leigh ran too. They were gone and Amanda looked at the paramedics again.

"Let's get him inside" one of them said.

That has to be a good sign, means he's still alive, right? She felt helpless as they used the gurney to get him into the ambulance. Before following them into the vehicle Amanda heard a gun shot. She hoped Adam was safe but she had to go with Nick.

They drove off and Amanda watched as one of the paramedics treated Nick's wounds. He first placed the oxygen mask on him and cut his shirt open. His abdomen was red and he tried to clean it.

"You know what happened?" he asked without turning to her.

"No, we got to the apartment and saw a lot of blood…I, I don't know exactly what happened"

"He has a head wound" the paramedic noted.

"The woman who attacked him had a shovel…but I really don't know" apart from all the dry blood and nasty cut on his head Nick looked peaceful.

Amanda could see him lying in her bed, sleeping in on a Sunday. She'd take Frannie for a walk and find him still in bed. It didn't happen often, but when it did Amanda would climb there with him, place soft kisses all over his face until he'd pull her closer. She could see their lives heading there – with him sppending every night in her bed, their bed.

But right now he was lying in the ambulance, the paramedic didn't offer too much information, he called the hospital and described Nick's wounds.

It didn't take them too long to get there and they quickly rolled him inside. He disappeared from her eyes and Amanda wondered if she'd ever see him again.

As the doctors worked on him the corridor was filling up with other officers, detectives. Some were at the scene and some weren't. Fin showed up, he was already briefed at the scene and Amanda repeated the story Adam had told her. Benson was next to show up, Fin called her and Amanda was grateful for that, she didn't want to make that call to anyone, especially not to his mother.

Amanda had to tell her everything and she was able to stay calm throughout the whole story.

"So he went to talk to her and she attacked him?" Olivia asked.

"That's how it looks like, I can't be sure" Amanda suddenly realized she had no idea how Weller was doing, did they catch Leigh? It's been a while now, she had to find out.

"He was concerned about her" Olivia said "and I told him to check it out"

"It wasn't your fault" Fin looked at her.

Amanda didn't listen to the rest of the conversation, she already figured Nick was there because he was worried.

"I'll be right back" she let them know and left to find someone from homicide. She saw Adam's captain and walked towards him "captain Fisher" she called and he looked at her "I'm detective Rollins…"

"Weller's friend" he nodded.

"Yes, I wanted to get an update, did he catch her?"

"He sure did, caught something else too" he touched his head "she hit him with that shovel, but he's going to be fine, he's in room 305 if you want to catch up. Any news on Amaro?"

"Not yet" she shook her head "I'll go see him"

She knocked on the door and smiled when she saw Adam. He had a bandage on his head but apart from that he was fine.

"What happened?" she asked.

"I followed her but she got into an alley and tripped me, gave me this…" he gestured at the bandage "I shot just to scare her, and she gave in"

"She gave in" Amanda repeated.

"How's Amaro?"

"I don't know, I guess he's still alive but…I have a bad feeling, the doctors are still there, no updates, no nothing"

Adam grabbed his jacket "you'd want them there, working to save his life instead of talking to you" he didn't know what to say, she was clearly struggling to keep it together.

"Anybody found the car, anything about Carter's murder?" she talked business again.

"CSU are going through everything, the captain said it looks like she took him outside through the fire escape, probably drove him to that site…she's not talking yet" he opened the door and they both walked to the corridor "I know you have a bad feeling, but I think it will be alright, if he survived till now…"

Amanda nodded, she wanted to say that it didn't matter, he could die at any moment "I'm glad you're fine, dodged all the 'get weller' cards"

Adam chuckled "listen, I'm gonna call you tomorrow, let you know how it goes. The captain was pretty clear he doesn't want anyone from SVU involved at this point"

"But we have to interrogate her" Amanda tried to protest.

"It's a homicide case, my case. I know this is not what this is about, but you will get credit…" Amanda rolled her eyes at him, looking angry "come on Amanda, no matter how _special_ Amaro is, this is not an SVU case"

"Fine" it was probably for the best anyway, sitting in front of Leigh, talking to her…Amanda wasn't sure she'd be able to do that.

She said goodbye to Weller and walked back to Fin. Olivia was talking to Nick's mother and Amanda was a little scared to join them, to see the look in her eyes. But a doctor walked to them and Amanda had to know, she prepared herself for the worst.

"Is he alive?" Amanda didn't give him a chance to talk first, she couldn't handle him going in circles about the terrible state he was in when he arrived.

"He is" the doctor nodded, making everyone breath a bit easier "the detective suffered a massive blood loss and very bad blow to the head" it seemed like the good news were over "we gave him transfusions, but my biggest concern is the swelling in the brain caused by the hit in the head. We had to sedate him to allow it to go down, only when that happens we can give a better assessment. We are monitoring him very closely"

"Can I see him?" Cesaria asked, she grabbed Olivia's hand somewhere during the doctor's explanation "I'm his mother"

"Not yet, he is in recovery and we will transfer him to another room soon, I will make sure the nurse calls you"

Olivia and Cesaria walked away to talk and Amanda gave Fin an update about Leigh being caught.

"You ok?" he asked "you found him"

"I'm fine" she tried to sound convincing but how could she be? Nick was badly injured, the doctor had no real answer, all they could do was sit and wait, or pace and wait. Wait.

She hated that, all she wanted to do was walk into his room, hold his hand, kiss his lips and see him open his eyes. Tell him she loves him, tell him he's an idiot for not saying a word about where he was going and that she can't lose him.

That's what Amanda wanted to do. Instead, she was stuck there, waiting.

Finally the nurse told Cesaria she could go in to see him. Since she didn't want to go alone Olivia and Amanda followed.

Amanda wasn't sure what to expect when she walked in and the first thing she noticed was the sound. The beeping of the machines monitoring his heart and breathing. He was on the ventilator, helping him to breathe while he was under sedation.

She stood in the doorway staring at him as Cesaria sat down by the bed and Olivia said something to her, probably tried to sooth her. But Amanda could hear nothing except for those beeps. Seeing him like that hurt more than she could describe, as if she got stabbed and hit as well. Amanda desperately wanted to touch him, call him, do something that would wake him up.

Instead she walked out of the room feeling dizzy. The room was spinning and then it went dark.

* * *

"Amanda…Amanda…" somebody called her name and Amanda opened her eyes. What was going on? Why was she lying on the floor?

Amanda tried to stand up when she felt Fin support her, it was his voice she heard a second ago.

"Careful" he said and guided her to a nearby chair. A nurse handed her a glass of water and asked Fin to help her get to the exam room.

"What happened?" she drank the cold liquid.

"You fainted" he said, looking worried "you ok?"

"Yeah…I…" she wasn't really ok but what was she supposed to say? So she just finished the water and played with the paper cup.

"Come on, the nurse wants to check your blood pressure" he helped her up and they slowly walked to an exam room.

"You Ok?" the nurse asked as she took Amanda's arm.

"A hard day, that's all"

When the blood pressure monitor was done Amanda heard another beep and her thought got back to Nick, she had to stay strong for him, not faint for no reason.

"I heard what happened" the nurse wrote down the results "I want you to rest for a while, eat something. Then go home, get some sleep"

"I'll make sure of that" Fin smiled "in fact, I'm gonna go get us some food right now, don't go anywhere partner" he touched her shoulder and disappeared.

"You can stay here for now" the nurse put the machine away "is there anything else that might have affected you? I understand there's stress, not enough food" Amanda nodded to those "pregnancy could also cause this"

"I'm not pregnant" Amanda said a bit too harshly.

"Alright, you should rest" the nurse walked out of the room and Amanda waited for Fin to return with something to eat.

There was no way she was pregnant. She was always responsible with birth control, never even had a pregnancy scare in her life. No, there was no bun in the oven. But the thought of that…what if she was pregnant, what if she had Nick's baby growing inside of her and he wasn't going to make it?

She felt bad again but thankfully Fin showed up and handed her a sandwich and a soft drink.

"That's all they had" he apologized "I'm sure it's seen better days"

"I'm so hungry I don't care" she tore up the package and took a bite of the bread.

"I let Liv know what happened, she told me to take you home" he opened the bottle for her "you need some sugar" she knew he didn't mean it like that, but what she really wanted was Nick to hold her, kiss her. She wanted his sugar and not this carbonated drink.

When she was done eating Fin threw the plastic wrapper away and told her he'd be right back. He wanted to tell Liv they were leaving.

Even though Amanda wanted to stay she decided not to protest, Nick needed her to be strong and not some kind of a wreck.

"Ready?" Fin came back and she got off the bed "don't show up too early tomorrow, sergeant's orders.

He drove her home and walked her upstairs. Frannie was happy to see him and Amanda smiled as he played with her for a short time.

"You're gonna be fine?" he looked at her.

"Thanks Fin" Amanda hugged him, an act that surprised Fin but he hugged her back.

Amanda didn't bother taking a shower. She was so tired all she wanted to do was climb into her bed and sleep. Frannie followed her and Amanda didn't mind, lying under the covers without Nick made her feel so alone.

* * *

Even though she was told not to come in early Amanda walked into the squad room before her shift. Frannie woke her up and Amanda couldn't go back to sleep after that so she showered and took the dog for a walk.

She made sure to have breakfast, not wanting to faint again, they had enough on their plate.

"Any news?" Benson was sitting at her desk.

"I spoke to the doctor this morning, the swelling is going down, so that's good" she looked at her "how are you feeling?"

"Fine" Amanda assured "it was a crazy night"

"Good, I know it's not easy but I need you focused, we still have open cases and homicide's not going to let us in on Leigh's investigation"

Amanda nodded and walked back to her desk. She managed to stay focused on work most of the time. Weller did send her an update that Leigh wasn't saying a word and CSU were waiting on results from the car.

When Amanda's shift was over she went to the hospital, Fin and Benson were still at the precinct and she needed some time alone with him. Cesaria wasn't in the room when Amanda arrived so she closed the door and sat down next to him.

The strong man who made her feel safe by just the softest touch was now lying helpless in front of her. Amanda carefully caressed his palm, with the tubes and IV she was afraid to hold his hand.

"Nick" she said, almost expecting him to smile at her and ask why she was looking so grim "please get better, I need you, I love you" she heard the door open and let go of him, standing up quickly.

"Amanda, right?" It was Cesaria and Amanda nodded at her "the doctor said things look a little better"

"That's great news, your son is strong, I'm sure he'll pull through" Amanda gave her a soft smile "I better go…"

"You can stay if you want to" Cesaria offered but Amanda shook her head.

"I just wanted to check in, it's alright" she didn't want to leave, but she wanted to talk to him, tell him he has to get well, that she was so in love with him her heart ached. But with his mother there she couldn't say the words.

Amanda knew Nick kept their affair to himself, his mother had no clue about it, now wasn't the right time for her to find out.

* * *

Amanda waited for Weller after their GA meeting. She couldn't miss any of them, especially now.

"Anything?" they said at the same time.

"No" she replied and waited for him to give her another update.

"She's still not talking, sitting in the interrogation room as if she's in another world" he started "but it looks like she's the one who hit Carter Smith, we have evidence from the car. We just don't know why, still can't find a connection"

"You asked her about Nick? Why she did it?"

Adam nodded "didn't help, she won't talk. The ADA told us to make sure we have a lawyer present, so we got her one and she won't talk to him either. I even tried to mention birds but she just stares at the walls" he chuckled.

"You think she's going for the insanity defense?"

"Maybe, but if that was the case she'd say something to someone, we know she can talk. I'm guessing it's all an act, but have no idea what's the purpose"

"You think I could talk to her?" she tried, knowing his captain was against that.

"No way, Fisher told me no one from your squad gets near her"

* * *

Another day was coming to an end, with still not much improvement in Nick's condition. Even Frannie seemed to miss him, sniffing a shirt he once left at the apartment. She worked over time just so she wouldn't have to spend time alone, the apartment suddenly felt so big without him and wherever she looked she could remember something he said or did there. But there was nothing she could do, only wait and hope she won't get any more bad news.

She showed up on time the next day, trying to act normal. They were all worried about Nick but she couldn't tell anyone that it was so much more painful for her.

"Fin, Rollins" Olivia rushed out of her office, they turned to her "we have to get to the hospital"

On the way there she let them know that apparently the swelling was down to a level that allowed them to take him off the meds.

He was waking up.

* * *

They spotted Cesaria out of the room, she smiled when she saw her son's coworkers.

"The doctor is inside, he was waking up and they are taking him off the machine…" she had tears of joy in her eyes and hugged Benson.

They waited impatiently, Amanda tried not to break into the room, she wanted to see his eyes, the warm brown color, see him smile and act all tough as if this was no big deal. She wanted to kiss him, a part of her didn't even care if they all find out, she wanted to touch him, kiss him, tell him she loves him.

The door opened and the doctor walked out.

"How is he?" Benson asked, they were all standing in front of the man.

"We will of course have to run some tests, but he seems to be doing alright. He's not even as drowsy as most people are after waking up"

"Can I see him?" Cesaria asked.

"You can, but he asked to see someone else first" the doctor looked around, noticing that apart from the older woman everyone had a badge "his wife, Maria"


	10. Chapter 10

His wife, Maria.

That's who Nick asked to see. Maria, the woman he wasn't married to anymore, who lived in California for a long time…and he asked to see her. Amanda felt like someone hit her with a freaking hammer, a shovel maybe. She could hear Olivia explain that Nick wasn't married and the doctor mentioned that Nick wasn't confused when he woke up, knew what year it was and definitely said wife and not ex-wife.

"Some memory problems are not uncommon after a massive head injury, so what I offer is that his mother goes in right now, talk to him, mention the divorce gently, we don't want to shock him, I will schedule a brain scan to see if there's any more damage, maybe something that was missed earlier" he accompanied Cesaria into the room and the detectives waited outside.

Olivia got a phone call and walked away to take it. Not much later Cesaria walked out of the room and asked Fin and Amanda to go in there.

"You look great Amaro" Fin joked.

"Thanks Fin" he smiled "I always knew you had a thing for me"

Fin chuckled "apparently they gave you some sense of humor, ha?"

Nick smiled at him and then at Amanda "thanks for stopping by guys"

"Of course" she said "stupid question, but how are you feeling?"

"I've been better, I think. Cause seems like I don't remember everything" he shrugged but from his expression it clearly hurt.

"We heard, that's…weird"

"Yeah, my mom tells me I've been divorced for a couple of years but I can't remember that"

"You remember what happened?" Amanda asked, wanting to know if he remembered her.

"Some of it, I think. Some is blurry"

The door opened and Benson walked in "hey Nick, good to see you're up" Amanda stopped listening, she just stared, wondering if he really didn't remember anything. Maybe this was an act? They weren't alone so he couldn't talk to her freely. But he didn't smile at her the same, didn't look at her the same.

"I'm gonna be back later" she said and walked out of the room.

"You ok Rollins?" Fin followed her "you're not gonna pass out again, are you? Cause you look a bit pale"

"I'm fine Fin" she sat down "it's just this whole situation is…"

"I get it, want me to get us a sandwich? I'm sure they have fresh ones now" he offered.

"Only if you buy coffee too" Amanda smiled and he laughed, walking away.

Olivia walked out just when Fin came back, holding three cups of coffee and a bag with food.

"We're gonna have to go back to the precinct" Olivia thanked him for the drink "he's gonna need to rest and we have cases"

"I'm just gonna say goodbye" Amanda stood up "I'll see you back at the station"

She waited for them to leave and walked into the room.

"Nick" she said softly "just wanted to say goodbye, get better soon"

He smiled and she thought he'd ask her to stop with the charade and kiss him already. But he didn't "thanks, I'll see you later Rollins"

Rollins.

It's been so long since he called her that when they were alone. It was always Amanda, but not now.

He forgot.

* * *

Amanda worked another double shift, she didn't want to go home and be alone with her thoughts. But the day had to end and soon she found herself at home. After a walk with Frannie Amanda took a shower and turned on the TV. Everything felt dull, meaningless, she hasn't felt so alone in a long time.

But maybe she was overthinking it. Nick's been through a trauma, physically and emotionally, maybe this is his body's way to handle it. It would take a while but he will remember, it will all come back to him and he'll call her, ask her to come by and... everything will be back to normal.

* * *

The next day Nick was allowed to get up from the bed. A nurse had to help him a bit but he made it to the bathroom. He hated lying in that bed, apart from being uncomfortable he felt so weak in it. But it was also being stabbed that made him feel this way and losing some of his memories.

Cesaria came by early and asked him questions, brought family photos.

"How am I supposed to know what I don't remember, mom?" he asked after she showed him a photograph of a birthday party.

"I'm just worried Nicky" she placed it on the small table.

"I know, but this isn't helping" ever since he was told about the divorce Nick felt frustrated, how could he forget something so big?

"You should rest" she stood up "I'll be back later"

"Mom, before you go" he said "can you leave me your phone? I have no idea where mine is"

Cesaria nodded and handed Nick her phone. She gave him a quick kiss before walking out of the room.

Nick was tired but sleep had to wait. He dialed the number and waited.

"Cesaria, is everything ok?" the woman on the other line asked.

"It's me" Nick replied.

"Nick…you're ok? Your mom called me yesterday"

"How are you Maria?" he asked "I don't know what she told you…"

"That you got hurt on the job, had some…confusion problems" when she got the call from her former mother-in-law Maria wasn't sure whether she was telling the truth, but there was no way she'd make up a story like that.

"I opened my eyes thinking we're still married, I'd say I'm confused"

"I'm glad to hear you're alright, I will make sure Zara calls you later. I haven't told her anything"

"I think that's best, but I really wanted to talk to you, about us" he said.

"Nick…" she wasn't sure how to respond, for a long time they kept most of their conversations short, he always got upset about something involving Zara and she tried to defend her decisions. Zara was growing up and he still saw her as a five years old girl, she wanted different things now.

"Please Maria, I don't know anything about us, I remember you coming back from deployment and that's it. I know we are not together, and I've been trying to think why, but my mind's blank, I can't remember anything about us since then. I have memories about our daughter but I need to know about us"

Maria remained silent, the plea was real, but could she tell him everything over the phone? Cesaria said he should be fine but that it was serious…

"Are you there?" Nick asked when it's been a while since she spoke.

"Yeah, the truth is that a lot of things caused us to drift apart" she said finally.

"That's not really an answer" he sounded unhappy.

"Listen" she took a deep breath "I've been thinking about visiting my parents in DC soon, how about I bring Zara over and we'll talk, ok?"

"Aright" Nick placed the phone on the bed and stared at it. How could something so important be erased from his memories? Was that why he couldn't really remember his time with Zara lately, because she was living in Los Angeles?

He hated this, how could he not remember his daughter moving away? If he's forgotten about that – was there anything else he lost?

* * *

"Heard anything about Amaro?" Amanda asked Fin. They were sitting in his car, it was an impromptu stakeout, they were waiting for a suspect to show up.

"Nothing new, but I have a feeling he's giving hard time to the nurses, I'm sure he's the worst patient" Amanda chuckled, Nick was a pretty hard patient.

She remembered one weekend, he ate something bad and spent a lot of time on the bathroom floor. Amanda made him chamomile tea, which she bought especially on her way from work. Something to sooth his stomach, but he really didn't like it.

"You're trying to poison me?" he asked.

Amanda caressed his hair for a while, letting her fingers linger there "want me to get you something else?"

"I can't eat anything, can you just get me water?" he gave her a miserable look.

"I'll be right back" she walked to the kitchen and returned with a glass of cold water.

"It's too cold" he complained.

"Really?" she asked.

"Sorry" he smiled "it hurts"

"I'll get you some tap water" Amanda touched his shoulder.

She was about to walk when he grabbed her hand "what is it Nick?"

"I'm sorry but I changed my mind about the tea"

"Maybe you should get to bed and sleep, that way you won't change your mind every second"

"Lie with me" he entwined his fingers with hers.

"Come on" she helped him up and he brushed his teeth quickly "I thought you were a tough guy Nick"

"Don't tell anyone" he asked as he got into the bed. Amanda lay down next to him.

"As long as you don't forget how sweet I was when I need you" she kissed his shoulder.

"Promise" he whispered.

* * *

"Rollins?" Fin asked. She seemed lost in thoughts, staring out of the window with a bitter smile on her face "Amanda?"

"Sorry Fin" she apologized.

"What's up? I can tell something's been bothering you" he gave her a stern look "and don't tell me nothing's going on" she shrugged, not giving him anything "fine, but I'm here if you want to talk"

"Thanks Fin, you don't have to worry about me, I've just been tired" it was a terrible excuse but there was no way she could tell him the truth.

"Then catch some sleep, that should help"

"I haven't thought of that Fin, what a great idea" she rolled her eyes at him "I will try that tonight"

"If you get to go home" Fin opened the car's door "that's our guy"

* * *

"Thanks for coming by Liv" Nick smiled.

"You feeling any better?" she asked.

"The painkillers help, at least for the pain" he wished there was something he could take for the memory.

"What did the doctor say?"

"I had another scan but they saw nothing. The doctor told me that it happens, it can come back in a day, a year, maybe never" he tried to sound casual, but when the doctor mentioned he might not regain his memories he did not take it well.

"I'm sure you'll remember, you just need to rest"

"I need to go back to normal, I know I can't get back to work right away but soon enough, right?"

"Nick…" Benson leaned back in the chair "it's gonna take a while, you have to get healthier"

"I know" he nodded "but that's gonna be soon. They think I will be released by the weekend"

"I had to talk to 1-p-p Nick, this is a complicated situation"

"What are you talking about?" Nick gave her a worried look.

"With the memory issue…even when you get better they don't want you back on the field" she said, knowing he won't take the news well.

"I remember cases I've worked on, ask me anything!" he insisted.

"We can't put you on the stand, the defense will use this…"

"Wait" he interrupted "so I'm never coming back? You've got to be kidding me" he wanted to stand but the pain from the stab wounds prevented that.

"You will be on desk duty for a while, until the doctor clears you and…you will have to see a therapist"

"Why?"

"You've been brutally attacked, you lost memories. But if you do this and be cleared by both doctors things will likely be back to normal"

"That's just great Liv, I really appreciate the support" he tried to control himself.

"Nick" Benson stood up, sensing he wasn't going to listen to reason "I know you're not happy, but there's nothing you can do about this"

"So I have no choice" he scratched his forehead, just below the bandage "before you go, there's something I have to ask you"

"Sure, what is it?"

"Who's handling the investigation? Nobody came to interview me, or maybe I lost the ability to create new memories too" he said sarcastically.

"You haven't Nick"

"I bet 1-p-p would love that" he added quietly.

"The case belongs to homicide, we're out of the loop"

"Are they trying to give me a hint?" he chuckled.

Olivia didn't dignify that with a response and gave him a quick wave before leaving. Nick rested his head on the pillow and closed his eyes. He was so tired, trying to walk around took it's toll, he wasn't feeling too well and let sleep take over.

He woke up one hour later when a nurse walked into the room, checking his vitals.

"You need anything?" she smiled at him.

Nick shook his head even though for some bizarre reason he felt like drinking chamomile tea.

* * *

Amanda walked out of the shower wrapped in a towel. The hot water made her feel better, like it washed away some of the worry. She already walked with Frannie and planned to cook herself something for dinner.

She just felt like eating something homemade. Not that her cooking was anything to write home about, but it would give her something to do. She got dressed quickly and walked to the kitchen.

"Come on Fran" she patted the dog "let's make something for dinner" she placed the sweet potatoes on the counter and took out a cutting board and a knife. She was about to peel them when she remembered the last time some real cooking had taken place the exact same spot.

"It's called arroz con pollo" Nick explained "it's my mom's recipe"

"And you're making it for me?" she smiled "I'm honored"

"We're making it" he corrected her "together"

She seemed apprehensive for a moment but then grinned at him and took out a knife "tell me what to do"

Nick gave her directions and evaluated her job once in a while.

"If you say there's something wrong with my cutting again, I swear…" she raised the knife a bit.

He raised his hands in surrender "I've never seen anything better"

"That's what I like to hear" she placed the knife down and gave him a quick kiss.

"You know" he said when their lips parted "instead of threatening with violence, maybe you should promise me a kiss for every compliment, that way I'm not saying a bad word ever again"

"All you want is a kiss?" she raised her eyebrows "that easy?"

"I'm a simple guy" he shrugged.

"I'm good with simple" she moved closer and kissed him again "but I'll be even better when this arroz con pollo is ready"

"I like it when you speak Spanish" he chuckled and they returned to the cooking.

Soon enough everything was in the pot and they were done cleaning up.

"You are a great sous chef" he complimented.

"Oh, yeah?" her voice was a tad flirty "you're not just saying that cause you want a kiss, right?"

"Well…" he leaned closer and whispered "how do I get one?"

Amanda pulled him towards her "how much time till the food's ready?" her fingers played with the buttons of his shirt.

"We have enough time" he was looking straight into her eyes.

"That's really, really great news" she kissed him again, with more force this time. His hands ran down her back, until he reached her belt "how bout we don't waste any? The bedroom is so far and…we don't want to risk the food burning"

Nick lifted her up so she sat on the counter "you had me convinced at…" he brushed his lips against hers and didn't give her a chance to respond, kissing her again.

* * *

Amanda remembered the food got a bit burned that night but neither one of them cared. Nick confessed he's not too good with other dishes. They made plans to cook dinner together again but somehow never did. She placed the sweet potatoes in the oven when her phone rang.

"Rollins" she didn't recognize the number.

"Hey, I hope I'm not bothering you" it was Nick.

"No, that's fine" she tried to control her tone, hearing his voice got her a little excited "what's up?"

"I need to talk to you and I was wondering if you could come by when you have the time"

"Sure, I can actually be there soon, if that's ok" she was ready to run over there.

"I'd appreciate that"

"I'll see you" she smiled and turned off the stove. The home cooked meal had to wait.

* * *

 _What does Nick want to say? And if you miss Leigh, don't worry, we will hear from her again._


	11. Chapter 11

Amanda knocked on the door, she had to idea what to expect. Nick calling her had to be a good sign, but he would have said he remembered her, right?

She walked into the room and he greeted her with a smile that made her knees weak.

"Thanks for coming, sit down at the…"

"Chair?" she chuckled.

"I was about to say throne" he sat up a bit "I do remember how that's called"

"That's good" she grabbed the chair and waited for him to talk.

"So listen, Rollins" her heart dropped. He didn't suddenly recall "I wanted to thank you, Benson told me you and your friend were the ones who found me"

"Oh…yeah…you remember what happened?"

"Most of it, I went by there to talk to her and she started acting weird, tried to kiss me and said she loved me…I don't know what gave her that idea and…she was saying a lot of crazy things. I remember being stabbed then she probably hit me cause next thing I woke up here"

Amanda nodded and waited for him to go on "I wanted to hear from you what happened. Fin mentioned you and I had some plans to watch a movie and that I didn't show up…"

"Yeah" that's the story Weller told, he thought Nick would confirm, but right now there was way for him to do that "that's mostly it, I recognized the name and remembered you mentioning something about her so we went to check it out, long story short – we found you"

"Saved my life" he smiled.

"That's no big deal" she laughed, trying to hide how uncomfortable she felt. She wanted to grab his shoulders and shake him, or kiss him, or whatever would make him remember that something was going on between them, they were more than coworkers.

"Do you know why no one came by to take my statement? Liv told me it's a homicide case and I called Fin who suggested I ask you, because this friend of yours is the lead detective"

So that's why he wanted her to see her, he was curios about the investigation.

"It appears she was involved with the murder of Carter Smith, but she isn't talking, at all. I can ask Weller about you, it is weird he hasn't been here yet"

"That would be nice" he nodded "I'd like to know how it's going"

"Consider it done" she was abut to stand up, not that she minded talking about the case or to Adam. But the look in his eyes, he looked at her differently. It was like a final confirmation it was gone, whatever happened between them was gone from his mind.

But she didn't want to leave yet, she missed him and they were still friends.

"How are you doing apart from that, stuck in this room?" she asked.

Nick chuckled "it's like a vacation, great room, great view…"

"You can't go back before you're feeling better" she wanted to touch him but that would be a bad idea.

"I'm not talking about tomorrow Rollins, 1-p-p are not exactly my fans and it feels like they are just looking for an excuse"

"You remember why?" Amanda didn't mean to be rude, but she wanted to know if there was anything else he'd forgotten.

"Like beating up that photographer? Shooting the kid? It's like I remember everything about the job, but when it comes to the little private life I have…I'm missing chunks"

"That sucks" she smiled sympathetically.

"Maybe I should get hit in the head again" he joked.

"I didn't want to be mean so I kept that idea to myself, but if you want to try…" she shrugged and raised her eyebrows.

"The doctor said I have to try and avoid those, to prevent any more damage. He's not even sure if I will remember again"

"Nick" she whispered, fighting the urge to do something, kiss, hug, caress him "I'm sure you will"

"That makes one of us" he looked so upset "I know it's only been a few days, but to be honest, I don't think it would ever happen"

"You can't give up"

"I can't do anything" he sounded defeated, it reminded Amanda of the day she went to visit him in prison. But this time there was absolutely nothing she could do.

"Are they going to keep you here for long?" she asked.

"Hopefully I'll be home by the weekend"

"That's good" she smiled "you have any plans?"

"Gil will come by…I can't remember what we had planned but I doubt we could do whatever it was anyway" he looked away, upset.

"There's a game, maybe that's it" Amanda pretended to guess, but he told her about it. Nick was always excited about hanging out with his son. With Gil growing up and the late start they got he had to appreciate every moment.

"Could be" he looked at her.

"You're probably tired, I should go" she wanted to stay but wasn't sure if this was going anywhere. Nick was distant, she had no idea what to say and he did look tired.

"Thanks for coming Rollins"

"Not a problem" she stood up and was about to leave when he called her.

"Hey Rollins" Nick said "what movie did we plan to see?"

She took a deep breath and shrugged "I don't remember"

* * *

Amanda sat down in her car. She managed to keep it together the entire way to the vehicle but once she shut the door the tears came flowing, she wanted them to stop but it was like a waterfall, blurring her vision, muffling the sounds.

It hurt, it hurt so much.

* * *

"Thanks for meeting me so early" Amanda sat down next to Adam, she texted him the previous night and he agreed to meet her before work.

"Sure" he took a sip of coffee "I didn't get you coffee though"

"That's alright" she smiled "I just wanted to talk to you about something"

"I'm guessing it's about the case" Adam said and she nodded "she's still quiet, hasn't said a word"

"Nothing at all?"

"Not even to her cellmate, not even to the shrink" he chuckled "but we have a pretty solid case, evidence from the car prove she hit him and I highly doubt someone else used it, we couldn't even find an acquaintance. Her father did leave her money so she has no job…she is really weird"

"So you think there's not gonna be a problem to convict her?"

"Hopefully…Fisher's been on the mayor's speed dial lately, ever since Smith's murder"

"If only he'd care about the girl who was raped" Amanda rolled her eyes.

"That's too much to ask" Adam finished his coffee and waited for her to tell him why she really called.

"How comes no one came to take Nick's statement yet?" she asked.

"We will, just wanted to give him a chance to get better. How is he?"

"He suffers from memory loss, doesn't remember some things…" she shrugged.

"He remembers her?"

"Most of it, Nick doesn't remember me" it was strange to say it out loud. Adam knew about them, the only other person who did.

"What are you talking about?" his eyes widened.

"I'm talking about the fact that he woke up thinking he's still married, no idea he's been divorced for a while…he remembers nothing about us"

"It's probably just temporary, she must have hit him really hard with that shovel" the look in Amanda's eyes worried him. He wanted to tell her that it would all come back to him but Adam had a feeling she didn't believe that.

"Listen Amanda, this sucks and I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but…whatever happens, promise me I'll see you at the meeting, all of them"

"Of course you will" her tone was a bit annoyed "I'm fine"

"Good, I will see you then"

* * *

Nick was getting better.

Friday has finally arrived and he was being released. He couldn't wait to be back in his place, start getting back to normal. But Nick wasn't looking forward to seeing the shrink, something that Benson wasn't backing out on and he knew that was the only way for him to ever be back on the field.

Maria called to let him know she'd bring Zara for a visit soon. He wanted to see his daughter but also to see Maria, talk, understand what happened. They were happy together, why did they get divorced?

Amanda volunteered to drive Nick back home. She acted like she wanted to spare the others from it, but of course there was an ulterior motive - she missed him.

"Hey" Amanda walked into the hospital room, Nick was already dressed and smiled when she walked in.

"Hi Rollins, thanks for the ride" he said.

"No worries, are you all set?"

"The nurse will be here in a couple of minutes with the papers" he looked very excited about leaving, Amanda could sympathize.

"Your mom's gonna meet you there?" she made small talk, trying this not to be awkward for her.

"I asked her to come by later, I need some time alone"

The nurse walked in with the papers and a wheelchair "that's the rule" she could see his unhappy look.

"Come on" Amanda walked closer to him "I won't push you down the stairs" she softly touched his arm, wanting so badly to do more, how would he react if she kissed him? He just had an encounter with a crazy woman who, as he told her, loved him. Amanda doubted he needed another one of those.

"Let's just get out of here" he sat down and Amanda pushed him to the corridor.

"Hope you're ready for the surprise welcome home party" she grinned and he looked terrified.

"Please tell me you are kidding" he almost begged.

"Come on, we worked so hard on the decorations!" she couldn't keep a straight face and started laughing, eliciting a laugh from him too.

"You don't do this to someone who was just released from the hospital Rollins!" she started disliking her last name.

Amanda parked by his place and helped him out. It's been a while since she's been in his place, they usually spent most of their time together at her place. She looked around, nothing had changed, the couch was at the exact same spot.

There was one evening, after a very gruesome case, they met up at his place. Neither was in a mood for going out or doing anything at all. It wasn't the first tough case and it wouldn't be the last, but it felt like they were kicked in the gut.

That night they just sat there together, she leaned into him and there was no use for words. All they wanted was to be close. Nick's fingers were tenderly tapping on her skin and she stared at them.

Looking at that couch now Amanda wanted to go back to that moment, feel the softness of his touch calm her down.

"You want me to get you something?" she offered.

"You're the guest" he chuckled "I should be asking you that"

"Don't be rude then…"

Nick slowly walked to the kitchen, making Amanda feel guilty, he was trying to act like everything was fine but she could tell it hurt him.

"I'm afraid I don't have much to offer, I haven't been here for a while" he shut the fridge's door.

"Water would be fine, let me take care of that" she followed him there but he poured her a glass already.

"Thanks" she took a sip and looked at him, he poured a glass for himself too and she watched as he drank. He had a pretty noticeable scab on his forehead but Amanda thought he looked so handsome. She was dying to touch him, to feel him touch her.

"Nick…" she started and he looked at her "I…" what was she going to say? How do you tell someone he forgot about the woman he's been seeing?

"I…" she tried again but the words didn't come out.


	12. Chapter 12

"I think I should leave you alone" Amanda forced herself to say, whatever she really wanted to tell him was stuck in her head.

"Thanks for the ride" he smiled.

"Sure" Amanda placed her glass on the counter and walked to the door. His phone rang just when she was about to leave and she heard him answer.

"Hey Maria…yeah, next week is great…"

Amanda hurried to walk away, not wanting to hear the rest of the conversation.

* * *

"Hey girl" Amanda kneeled down to pat the dog "at least you're happy to see me…I'll make you some dinner, come on" she poured food into the bowl and walked away to take a shower.

She thought about cooking something but really didn't feel like it, she wasn't even sure if she was hungry.

The TV could be a good distraction, Amanda lay down on the couch and turned it on. Frannie came by to offer some company and Amanda gladly accepted.

"What have you got there?" she noticed the dog had some black fabric in her mouth. She left it near Amanda and she took. It was Nick's shirt.

"Where the hell did I leave it?" Nick was walking around in her apartment, searching for his t-shirt. He spent the morning with Gil and dropped him off not long before stopping by. He had a shift later but Amanda was glad he asked to come over.

Amanda let out a giggle when he looked under the couch again. He was wearing only a pair of jeans and looked really handsome.

"Don't laugh at me" he smiled at her. Amanda walked over to him and took the opportunity to wrap her arms around his body, pressing her chest to his back.

"I'll find it and give it back to you, maybe Frannie put it somewhere" her hands moved up and down, causing him to lose focus on the task at hand.

"I can't just leave like this" he placed his hands over hers.

"You can stay a while longer" she placed soft kiss over his exposed skin.

"Then I might lose my pants too…I can't find it anywhere" when he walked in Amanda greeted him with such a passionate kiss he couldn't remember where he threw the shirt.

"Just wear your hoodie, no one has to know" she whispered.

"Yeah…" he turned and kissed her forehead "I better go"

"I'll see you later" she gave him a quick peck.

* * *

"I had a feeling you had this all along" Amanda patted her again "I miss him too"

* * *

"Come on in detective Amaro" the man opened the door and gestured at the couch "sit down"

"Thanks" Nick did as he was told, taking a seat. It was his first appointment with this guy…Mark Grady, the psychologist.

Nick decided not to fight it, there was no way to get out of this.

"So how are you doing detective?" Grady asked.

"I'm fine" Nick replied and rearranged his jacket.

"You know, fine's the most common answer I get to this question, specially when an officer is sent to see me"

Nick wasn't sure what to say, he doubted they were supposed to talk about statistics, but he didn't really want to talk about himself.

"My point is that you're not here to talk about the fine things in your life, so maybe you should start by talking about the reason you are here"

"Ok, I was attacked by this crazy woman" Nick answered.

"Would you like to elaborate on that?" Grady raised his eyes at him.

Nick took a deep breath and told him more "…and then she hit me and next thing I wake up in a hospital bed…with some memories gone. That's why I'm here, the department wants to make sure I'm fine, but I have a feeling they'd rather hear otherwise"

"Why would they want that?"

"I made a few major mistakes, things that I regret and wish I could change but that's not possible. I've been working hard to stay on the right track"

"Is this why you went to see that woman? You mentioned thinking something might be wrong…"

"Something was wrong, with her…"

They kept on talking about what happened until Nick noticed their time was up and left as fast as he could.

* * *

The cab stopped by Nick's place and he watched as the door opened and the girl ran out to him.

"Daddy!" Zara shouted and he rushed to hug her.

"It's so great to see you" Nick kissed her cheek.

"I missed you so much" she didn't let go and Nick stood up, holding her. She was so big, he didn't remember that, when did she grow up?

The cab driver helped Maria with the bags, she was looking at the scene and smiling.

"You ok holding her?" she asked Nick, wondering how hurt he was.

"Of course, come on in" he grinned at Zara and they walked into the house "how was the flight?"

Nick lowered Zara on the floor and carried her bag to her bedroom so she could take her things out.

"You want something to drink or eat?" he walked back to the kitchen and saw Maria staring at something.

"What? I'll grab a glass of water, you want one?"

Nick shook his head and watched her, has it really been that long since they got divorce? Have they really gotten a divorce?

"I have a train to catch soon, but I thought we could talk" she sat down by the counter and he joined her "you really don't remember anything?" a part of Maria didn't want to believe, how could someone forget something so important?

"Well…I don't remember you leaving, I assume that's what happened…but I don't know why"

Maria drank some of the water and Nick watched her, how could things between them turn around. He remembered loving her, he remembered them being happy…

"Do you remember Jason Harris?" she asked.

"You served with him, no? I remember he came to me asking for help with his daughter"

"That's it?" Nick nodded, he couldn't remember anything else "so you can't remember hitting him because you thought something was going on between us?"

"No…" he hit her friend, what was going on with him?

"After I came back, things changed, I changed…" she looked down at the counter before raising her eyes at him again "the truth is you've changed too, with your job…we were both at a tough place and neither one talked about it. I had such a hard time being at home…and when you hit Jason it felt like you don't trust me and with everything that's been going on, it was too much for me to take. I felt like I couldn't trust you"

"Maria…I'm sorry" it was the only thing he could think about, it sounded like she was talking about someone else.

"Don't say that Nick, it's been so long"

"We didn't try to work thing out? Nothing?" he asked.

"It was too late already, we became different people" she raised her voice but realized Zara might hear, she was still unpacking in her room "we wanted different things"

"Like California?" when he was told she moved to Los Angeles Nick couldn't believe that, she didn't really like that place, why would she move? "Taking Zara…"

"Nick" Maria frowned, how many times have they had this argument?

"I'm just trying to understand" his voice was a bit higher "I remember us being perfectly happy…"

"You always wanted things to be perfect, and if they weren't – you just wanted to ignore the bad parts. I know you've been through something terrible" Maria called Olivia to hear the details from her "but it doesn't change the past"

"I don't want to change the past Maria, just…understand, because I don't remember any of it"

"Finished" Zara ran out to the kitchen.

"Good job honey, you're hungry?" Nick picked her up.

"Yes"

"I'll make you something" he said.

"I better go, don't want to miss my train" Maria got up "have fun with your dad and be careful ok, don't make him work too hard"

"Fine mom" Zara hugged Maria and walked to the TV.

"I'll walk you out" Nick followed Maria.

"You're doing ok here? After everything?" Maria asked before opening the door.

"I can take care of my self, and my mom's been helping me out"

"Good, you know" she whispered "I kinda thought you were seeing someone and that she'd be here…"

"What?" Nick had no knowledge about being with anyone "why would you say that?"

"Maybe I was wrong, I don't know….but I called you about Zara one day and heard a woman's voice, not sure what she said but it didn't sound like you were at work"

"I don't think so, maybe I was working"

"Ok then, I'll be back to pick her up on Sunday, have fun"

Nick shut the door behind her "come on Zara, I'll make you something tasty and you get to help me out"

"Ok dad" Zara jumped off the couch "mom said you got hit on your head and forgot some things"

"She did?" Nick didn't want his daughter to know.

"I heard her on the phone" she let him know "is it true?"

Nick kneeled in front of her and caressed her hair "it is a little true, but you are my number one girl and I will never forget you, ok?"

"I know dad" she hugged him "now come on! I'm hungry!"

* * *

Nick put Zara to bed, they had a fun day together. Playing at the park, visiting Cesaria for dinner and with her being tired after the flight as it is, she fell asleep quickly.

Nick wanted to go to bed too, but something Maria mentioned kept him up. Was he seeing someone? He couldn't remember – but his memory wasn't reliable right now, not when it came to personal stuff. He checked the bedroom for any signs of someone else staying there but all he could find were his things. There was nothing that belonged to a woman there. It was like a final confirmation Maria wasn't living there any longer.

Nick checked the bathroom, only his belongings. The living room was the same – no sign for a woman spending time there.

Maria must have heard wrong. And if he was seeing someone – wouldn't she show up? Say something? No, he was alone.


	13. Chapter 13

"Hey sergeant" Nick knocked on Benson's door.

"Come in Nick, how are you feeling?" she stood up.

"I'm mostly bored, physically I'm fine. But sitting at home is driving me crazy" he confessed before sitting down "when can I come back?"

"Nick…"

"I'm going to the psychologist as you asked me to, but I need to get back to work" he was almost pleading "I'm sure he will clear me to be back if you just ask"

"Even when you come back, it will be desk duty for some time, might be a long time…"

"It's better than nothing" he interrupted her again "it will give me a chance to prove I'm fine"

"Any change with the memory issue?" she asked.

"Nothing" he shook his head "but I think going back to work might help, the routine…all I know is that as long as I sit at home – I just keep on thinking about what I don't remember, what else I might have forgotten…"

"I understand Nick, trust me, I do" she leaned back "but I need the psychologist to sign off on this, and with the trial starting soon"

"I can handle it, desk duty and the trial. The detective from homicide told me it's mostly going to be about the murder, I will have to testify one time and that's it…everyone care about the rich kid who was killed"

"I want you to be back as soon as possible, but you know I'm under pressure from 1-p-p, if I let you come back so soon they won't be happy"

"What about me? Coming back will make me happy" he heard noises from outside and Benson stood up to check it out.

"You have to be more patient Nick, you will be back" she opened the door and he followed her.

Rollins and Fin seemed to just come back from somewhere. Fin was wearing jeans and a bizarre looking shirt.

"I have a feeling he saw this" Amanda looked at Benson and pointed at Fin's clothes "and ran away"

"So these aren't new uniforms, I hope" Nick said, he looked at Amanda who looked much better than Fin. She was wearing a short black dress, showing her legs. She leaned a bit to take off her heels, exposing the top of her lacy bra. Nick looked away immediately and turned to Fin.

"What's going on?" he asked his fellow detective.

"We were on a stakeout at this club" he explained "don't listen to Rollins, I was the best dressed there"

"You didn't just say that" Amanda muttered

"Ok guys, this is not the fashion police. Why don't you head home and get some sleep, you've been up all night" Benson said.

"That sounds good" Amanda stood up and Nick looked at her. The dress really complimented her, without being too revealing "come on Fin, I'll give you a ride"

Nick followed them with his eyes as they left.

"You really think it's that bad? It has a pocket with glitters, that's hip" Fin said to her.

"Please throw it away Fin, or burn it" she gave him a pat on the shoulder.

* * *

Nick returned home, not too happy about the way his conversation with Benson went. He hated the fact 1-p-p wanted to keep him away. Damn, he didn't even care if he'd be on desk duty for a long time.

Ever since he came back home Nick's been spending a lot of time doing nothing. Zara was in California, Gil was at school, his mother came by almost every night and they'd have dinner together. But most of the time he was alone.

Nick decided to watch TV, he had nothing else to do anyway.

He changed into sweatpants and looked at his abdomen before putting on a t-shirt. The scars were still nasty, the doctor said it would take time for them to heal. At least it barely hurt now. Nick lay down on the couch and turned the TV on. He wouldn't admit it, but staying at home for so long he's been watching less than quality shows. Some stupid reality shows about people with a lot of money and too much free time, or a soap opera that's been on for a long time. He was getting into the story – something that was a little scary.

He closed his eyes and listened to the voices, one of the characters was pregnant but had no idea who the father was. He chuckled as the characters kept on bickering. Nick wasn't tired but he could feel sleep take over. He didn't fight it, not like he had anywhere to be in the next few hours.

Something inside him told Nick he was dreaming. He was standing in an unfamiliar kitchen when he heard something and realized he wasn't alone. Someone placed a glass on the counter and Nick turned around to see Amanda standing there, wearing that dress. She slowly walked over to him with a mischievous smile on her face. Her hair was down and she looked so damn beautiful.

"Hey" she whispered and gave him no opportunity to respond, kissing him. It wasn't a shy kiss, she was kissing him like she couldn't get enough, like she needed the contact to stay alive. He was doing exactly the same, his tongue took control and his hands joined by pulling her into him.

This was a dream, and Nick felt like he was both participating and watching, a part of his was making out with Amanda while another part observed with no ability to react, with no idea what to think or do.

They didn't stop, she pushed him to the counter and he turned them around, lifting her up so she could sit on it. Apparently there is no need for oxygen in dreams because her mouth didn't leave his, not even for a second. Her hands somehow got under his shirt, moving to his back. She spread her legs and pushed him closer. Nick's hands did not remain idle, he caressed her thighs, first over the fabric and then moved underneath, feeling the smooth skin. He reached her underwear and she used his shoulders for support to raise herself a bit, making it easier for him to take them off. The moment she was sitting again his fingers touched her left inner thigh, moving higher.

She gasped and it was the first moment their lips separated. She gave him a wicked smile and her hands started working on his belt and pants. Since Nick's right hand was busy he let her handle the task alone, not that she needed any help, because she was able to open the zipper and lower the pants quickly. A moment later Nick was inside of her, they both let out a moan simultaneously.

Nick's eyes opened. He woke up and sat up, a tad sweaty.

What was that?

Did he just have a sex dream about Rollins?

The answer was clear, he hasn't been this turned on for…he couldn't remember. But he definitely had to take a cold shower. This was very inappropriate, Rollins was a coworker, he shouldn't be having this kind of thoughts, or dreams about her.

But Nick couldn't erase those images.

* * *

"Detective?" the psychologist asked.

"Yeah…yeah" Nick realized he hasn't been listening to Grady, his thoughts kept on drifting to that dream he had about Rollins, he had to say something to make it seem like he was fine "it's just that the trial's starting soon"

"And that worries you? Do you have concerns about them convicting her?" he asked Nick.

"Not really, I think they will convict her, there is plenty of evidence and…it's not about that, I just feel like I'm not part of it"

"Part of the investigation?"

"Yeah" Nick nodded "getting information was hard, even though I was...attacked by her"

"You feel left out" the psychologist noted.

It was the truth, with homicide running the investigation he was kept out of the loop "yes" he nodded again.

"That's not an easy feeling, she hurt you and you feel like you have no place here. But there are things you can do, even if the detectives are not sharing anything with you, that doesn't mean you have to accept that"

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about doing something" he raised his brows a bit but Nick didn't see the point "as a detective you want to understand, find a reason, not just who did something but also why. But you mentioned she wasn't talking to homicide so you don't know why…there is something you can try"

"Like what?" ask Rollins to talk to that friend of hers? And what kind of friend was he?

"Detective?"

Nick realized he did it again, thinking inappropriate thoughts about her, it wasn't his business if that detective was her friend or more than that.

"Yeah?" Nick asked.

"Have you considered talking to her yourself?" Grady suggested.

* * *

Nick couldn't get Grady's idea out of his head. At least it distracted him from that dream he wanted to forget. Was seeing Leigh a good idea? He could do that, go talk to her even without talking to homicide.

He had a point, Nick was a…he was a victim here and the detectives didn't really bother keeping him informed. This was a way to have some control back, with the memory loss he was a little lost as it is so maybe she'd say something, offer some sort of explanation.

* * *

It was hardly Nick's first time there, the gray empty walls, the guards, the sounds and smells. And he was there to talk to a perp, like all those other times. Except this time it was completely different.

Seeing her sitting there, shackled, wearing the uniform. Nick wasn't feeling sorry for her but she looked lost, this is the look that made him think something was going on with her. He wasn't completely wrong, something was going on – she was insane.

Nick slowly walked towards her, wondering if she would even talk to him, last he heard she kept her mouth shut.

Leigh looked up at him and Nick sat down in front of her.

* * *

I knew Nick would be back. He looks so beautiful as he sits. He looks down and I stare at his lips. I kissed them that night, our night. I could not stop thinking about him since then. All the questions I have been asked, all the people who came to see me. I thought about nothing but him.

I wait for him to talk, maybe he wants to be silent with me. I wish I could touch him again. I forgive him. What happened – it is alright. We love each other.

"I'm here to ask you why" he says and our eyes meet "why did you do this?"

"I love you Nick" I whisper. It has been some time since I have heard the sound of my voice and it almost feels foreign, but the words are so true.

"Why?" he asks.

"Love is a bird. How can you explain it? It soars, it touches the sky. It is beautiful"

"You don't hurt people you love" his voice is quiet "why did you hurt me?"

"You hurt me too, but I forgive you. I forgive you Nick. I love you and we can be together again"

"You killed someone"

"Everything I did, it was for you"

"You killed him for me?" he almost whispers the question.

"Because I love you. More than anything, more than anyone" I know he believes me. Loves me.

He seems almost scared and looks around "you killed him because of me?" he repeats.

"I saw the look on your face Nick, at the courthouse, he made you upset" I explain.

"Made me upset?" he stands up fast, I do not want him to leave but he turns away.

"No one will love you like I do, she will never do that"

"She who?" he walks back to me.

"She will never love you Nick, I love you so much" I say.

"Who is the she you're talking about?" he insists.

Oh Nick, why do you want to talk about that woman? He needs me, I can see it. I will be there for him. I will.

"Who is she?" he asks again.

"She does not love you"

"Who?" he leans forward, closer to me.

"I am the only one who loves you. That blonde woman you work with, spend time with. She does not"


	14. Chapter 14

Nick was about to knock on Amanda's door.

Since seeing Leigh his head kept on spinning, he couldn't stop thinking about her words _'that blonde woman you work with, spend time with'_ he figured she was referring to Rollins, the first time he interviewed her – Rollins was there too, maybe she saw her. But why would she say she doesn't love him? Then the image from the dream reappeared, the way she smiled at him… He had to talk to her because even though the explanation was pretty clear, he just couldn't wrap his head around it.

He knocked and waited.

* * *

Frannie started barking the moment she heard the knock, she rushed to the door and started jumping as if she couldn't wait for it to be opened.

"What is it girl?" Amanda petted her and looked through the peephole.

Nick.

That's why Frannie was so excited, she liked Nick and missed him. What was he doing there? She had a glimpse of hope he remembered, finally. But he looked anxious, confused maybe.

Amanda opened the door and he barely took one step in when Frannie jumped on him, catching Nick off guard.

"Eh…" he wasn't sure what to do, the dog seemed so excited, sniffing him, licking him. Nick knew Amanda had a dog but the few times he remembered seeing her she was calm.

"Settle down girl" Amanda tried to pull Frannie away from Nick "here" she gave her a toy bone but Frannie wasn't interested, she ran back to Nick.

"Hey Frannie…" his voice was full of hesitation, but he kneeled down and petted her, thinking that would calm the dog down.

Amanda shut the door and watched them. He still didn't remember, or else he wouldn't be surprised about Frannie's actions. It's been a while since he'd been in the apartment and the dog had no idea where he'd gone to, it's not like she could understand.

Before this whole ordeal Nick used to play with her a lot, he liked Frannie and one evening Amanda asked him if he came over to see Frannie or her.

"Both of you" he smiled, petting Frannie's head "you're a good girl"

"Yeah? I'm not so sure, you two seem to get along" Amanda smiled, she loved the fact Nick cared about her dog.

"Who wouldn't get along with this adorable creature? Right?" he asked Frannie.

"Oh, I see" Amanda chuckled "you're saying I'm not that easy to get along with…" she moved closer to them.

"That is true" he shrugged and let Frannie go "but I can handle you"

"Oh…handle me?" she tilted her head and gave him a questioning look.

Nick grabbed her hand and pulled her into his lap "I don't want to get into trouble, so I'm just gonna kiss you right now" he grinned and looked into her eyes before capturing her lips.

* * *

Amanda stared at them, all she wanted was for Nick to remember, for things to be back to the way they were. She's been trying to keep it together, but it was so hard. She missed him so much. Maybe she should have jumped on him like Frannie did.

"How are you doing Nick?" Amanda asked, if he didn't recall what's been going on between them why would he come by to her place?

Frannie settled down a bit and Nick stood up "she's…happy"

"Yeah" Amanda smiled.

"Listen, I have to ask you something" he was feeling very uncomfortable, but the dog's reaction was another sign. He looked around and his eyes fell on the counter, it was identical to the one in that dream he had. All of these things, what Leigh said, the dream, Frannie…

"Is there something you want to tell me?" his voice was a little harsh.

"Tell you what?" Amanda wasn't sure what he was talking about.

"About us, is there anything you need to tell me about us?" he took a step towards her.

Amanda looked away, was he suspecting something? He didn't look too happy, he actually seemed angry.

"Is there anything going on between us?" he asked.

"Yes" she whispered.

"Yes?" Nick's eyes widened and he placed his hands on his hips "and you just planned to keep it to yourself?"

"I…" if he didn't remember why was he asking? What gave him the idea?

"Well?"

It's been so long since they had a fight. Disagreements, arguments, they had many at the job. But a real fight…

"Why didn't you say anything?" he repeated, raising his voice.

"What was I supposed to say?" she almost whispered "you thought you're married and I…"

"You thought I didn't need to know? How long were you gonna keep this from me?"

"Nick I…" she took a breath, trying to think of something "I wanted to, but I couldn't. Because you were somewhere else…I didn't want to overwhelm you. You woke up asking about Maria and I thought you'd remember, a day or two…"

"A day or two? A week? How long? Because I still don't, and if I wouldn't have brought this up you wouldn't have said a word, right?"

Amanda wondered how he'd found out. The only other person who knew was Adam and he had no reason to say anything.

"You know" he turned away for a second "1-p-p don't really want me back, I don't remember things about my life and you keep this a secret…I don't even know what to think. When she told me…"

"She?"

"I went to talk to Leigh" he replied bitterly "funny how she's the one who told me the truth"

Amanda knew Nick was hurt, she understood where he was coming from, but the way he spoke to her, the tone of his voice…was he mad about the fact she didn't tell him or the fact something's been going on?

"How would she know?" she didn't mean to say that out loud but how could she know? Did she follow them?

"I'm sorry for not asking" another snarky remark.

Amanda stared at him, she could almost feel the tears forming and fought them "what do you want me to say?" she asked quietly.

"The truth, tell me what's going on between us"

That was a tough question, even when he remembered they didn't define things "we're…seeing each other"

"Seeing each other?"

"I don't know what else to call it" she bit her lip "we never gave it a name, you never told me how you felt"

Nick chuckled, it was all too much for him to take. She should have told him, keeping it to herself…it was wrong "I just can't believe you wouldn't say anything"

"Say what? I know you think you're still married, but we've been sleeping together for months…surprise!" the pain caused Amanda to raise her walls, he was blaming her, and yes, she was the one keeping the secret, but it wasn't an easy thing to share.

"So keeping me in the dark was better?" he countered.

"You know Nick" her tone changed "you're right, I didn't tell you. I wasn't sure you'd even believe me, would you? What would you say?"

"We will never know, won't we?"

"Why not?" Amanda asked "say it now"

Nick let out a laugh "you want me to comment on something I had no knowledge about, something you kept from me. You think I need this? Not being told the truth? Don't you think I've been through enough? I'm being kept out of the loop on this investigation and on my life…so I'm sorry if this is not the reaction you expected"

"I did not expect anything Nick, I did what I thought was best. I'm sorry that it hurt you, but it wasn't exactly fun for me…you think it was easy? When you didn't remember me, when…"

"I can't control this" he pointed to his head "I didn't want to lose my memory, I can't just bring it back. But you knew. Why didn't you say anything?" He kept on asking it as if she would give him a satisfying answer if he put more pressure.

She remained silent for a minute or two, looked at the floor as if she lost something there "because of this Nick" she finally spoke "the look in your eyes…" she shrugged "I guess I hoped you'd remember so you wouldn't look at me as if you don't even recognize me, like I'm a stranger…not when you used to…" she turned from him, fighting the urge to cry was getting harder.

"Used to what?" he took another step towards her.

"Nothing…I'm really sorry I haven't told you Nick, I should have and I'm sorry I didn't" she apologized again. It was the first time she wanted him to leave, she missed him when he wasn't at her place. Now she wished he wouldn't have come, this wasn't how he was supposed to find out…maybe a kiss would work, bring it all back like it was a fairytale. But most fairytales weren't the Disney version, they were grim.

Nick thought she looked so sad, so upset. What was the nature of this thing between them? Was it serious? Was it just sex? He hated not knowing. The physical pain wasn't that bad, he could handle it. But not knowing, not being able to remember…it felt like he wasn't himself. He didn't know who he was, so many people knew him, knew things about him, but he didn't.

"It's a lot to take" he tried to keep his tone softer but it wasn't working "and finding out like that, it's not right"

"Yeah, I made a mistake" she cried out "I get it, I should have told you everything, should have come clean…well Nick, you and I are seeing each other and I love you, I love you so much but I don't know how you felt, you never told me…so maybe I can give you only half an answer, you're gonna have to figure out the other half yourself…I think you should go now"

Frannie, who'd been lying by Nick's feet for the entire time got up and walked to her bed. She was back, holding something in her mouth. Frannie placed the fabric on Nick's shoes. He picked it up, recognizing the black t-shirt, it belonged to him.

Amanda opened the door and he walked towards it. He glanced at the kitchen counter and then at Amanda, her hand was grasping the door like she was ready to shut it.

The few steps that separated Nick from the door seemed like a long way. Their eyes met for a second but neither said a word. He walked out of the apartment and heard the door close.

Amanda stopped fighting, she allowed the tears to flow freely, not caring anymore. She sat down on the floor and Frannie rushed to her, trying to soothe her owner.


	15. Chapter 15

_hey..._

 _Long story short - a few days after posting the previous chapter I got sick, it was pretty bad. It took a while for me to get back to normal. When I did, SVU wasn't really on my mind. It's the biggest cliché I guess, but when you go through some things you really learn to appreciate the important things in life. I was focused on other stuff but when I checked the email account that's connected to this site and saw all of your reviews, and even though I don't know/care/want to know about the current events on the show, because honestly, I'm really trying not to waste my time on things that end up disappointing me. Anyway, I read all of your kind words and realized that this fic is not about SVU, it's about the readers who like it (or don't and read anyway) and for all of you who took the time to wonder if I'm ok._

 _But, I can't promise many updates like before, and it's going to be my last story, I doubt I'll finish my other fic (1999)._

* * *

Nick rushed down the stairs, his head was spinning and he felt like he couldn't stay there one more second. Maybe he was a bit harsh, but she lied to him, she kept something serious from him. He was already vulnerable, after the injury, the memory loss. He wanted things to be clear, to be simple. He joined the police because he wanted to help people, but he couldn't even help himself.

Nick was still holding the black shirt in his hands, it was a little wet from being inside Frannie's mouth and once he was outside of the building he looked at it, tried to focus on the fabric as if that would help him. But nothing came back. He threw it to a nearby bin and walked away.

* * *

It took Amanda a few minutes before she could get up. Nick's words hurt her more than she was willing to admit. But she couldn't spend the rest of her life sitting on the floor by her front door.

"Come on Frannie" She petted the dog and forced a smile.

Frannie followed Amanda to the kitchen and stared as she washed her face and looked at the running water for a while.

The possibility of Nick never remembering suddenly became so real, it felt like he would never remember, like he would resent her for the rest of their lives. They would work together it a perpetual state of awkwardness, with her loving a man who is there but not really there anymore, and him being mad at her for that.

"I can't stay here right now" she whispered to herself. A part of her wanted to give up and go find a blackjack table, waste all of her money, throw away the sobriety and maybe, just like Nick, forget, let the thrill wash away the pain like it can so easily do.

But she couldn't allow herself to do that, not anymore.

So she could just go out, breath some air, walk, run, maybe even have a drink, if she would feel like it's too much - she could always call Adam.

No gambling.

Amanda walked into her bedroom and got dressed. She just wanted to get away, be somewhere that wouldn't remind her of Nick.

* * *

One of the side affects of being angry was losing track of time. Nick realized he's been walking around for a while now and at some point he'd have to go back to Rollins' place and get his car. But it didn't feel like the right time yet, he wasn't ready to go back there, even if he wouldn't have to face her.

The more he walked, the angrier he got, but now the rage wasn't pointed at Amanda, he was mad at himself, for having an affair with a colleague, for not being able to remember it, for taking out his frustration at her. It just added up to the things he's been messing up, like ever since he got to this unit he got in trouble. He just wanted to be a good cop.

Nick stopped and took a deep breath. He had good intensions but his actions...

He wasn't ready to walk back to his car, maybe it was best for him to be alone with his thoughts. It seemed like no one was interested in what he had to say anyway. Benson seemed to care about 1-p-p's opinion about him, the homicide detectives were focused on the murder. And he, he wasn't sure who he is anyway.

Damn it, he thought and walked into a small bar. A drink couldn't hurt.

It wasn't exactly a place he'd usually spend time at, it was a bit too trendy, a lot of young people on their phones. But Nick didn't really care, who knows, maybe he forgot that he turned into this cool guy? He laughed at the thought and hoped no one would walk over to him and expect him to remember.

The place was packed, and Nick made his way through the crowd to get to the bartender and order a drink. He saw a free stool by the bar and sat down.

"What are you doing here?" he heard a familiar voice.

* * *

Amanda did walk for some time, but she decided to settle for a drink after all. She had to pass on the place that was close to her apartment, the two of them used to spend time there and a reminded of that wasn't the first on the list of things Amanda needed. So she just walked until she noticed another place, something that seemed like the last place she'd like. The last place that would remind her of Nick. So she walked in and ordered a beer.

* * *

"What are you doing here?" The moment Nick sat down next to her Amanda thought she was delusional, she only had a few sips, she wasn't drunk, did someone put something in her drink? She was so surprised she asked what he was doing there as if it was her place and he wasn't invited.

"Oh..." Nick wasn't expecting to see her there "I'm gonna go" he was about to get up but she stopped him.

"You can stay" she shrugged "I should go anyway" she took money from her pocket and placed it on the counter "it's pricey" she warned and stood up.

"Wait" Nick said "don't go because of me, just..." he wasn't sure what to say, he didn't really want to talk to anyone, but he didn't want to kick her out.

Amanda sat down and looked at the wall while he ordered a beer. This was uncomfortable, it was painful but Amanda had to admit it was a little funny in a way. They had to be the weirdest not couple - couple ever. She let out a short giggle and Nick gave her a questioning look.

"Sorry" she mumbled.

"Listen..." he started "maybe it's a good thing we bumped into each other now, I was too harsh and I'm sorry about that"

"Don't worry about it" she nodded "I'm sorry for not saying anything"

Nick took a sip of his beer and from the corner of his eye watched her doing the same thing. He had so many questions, how long, how did it start... but he was afraid to ask, afraid to learn how much more he didn't know, didn't remember. And it would probably hurt her anyway, he tried not to thing about it, but Amanda said she loved him, so it must have been more than just physical.

"I guess you're gonna testify at the trial" he said after taking another sip, that wasn't the best topic as well, but he didn't want to talk about the weather or sports.

"Yeah" she nodded "you think you'll be back when it's over?"

Amanda had no idea what was the plan, 1-p-p's attitude towards him wasn't a secret, but Amanda felt like they were waiting for him to pass this hurdle to decide his future, no one said much and Amanda knew it was hard for him.

"I have no idea" he looked at her and shrugged.

"Do you want to?" she had no idea why she asked this question, were they really having a conversation right now?

"Yes, I love the job, it's what I want to do, what I always wanted to do" from the way she looked at him Nick realized she knew this already, how much did he tell her? Did he talk about his father? Tell her all the things he kept to himself?

Amanda didn't react. They did talk about this, why he decided to be a cop.

It was a rainy night and Amanda, very clearly, remembered the sound the raindrops made when they hit the window. Her head was rested on his chest and his fingers were playing with her golden hair. His hand stopped moving and Amanda thought he fell asleep so she turned her head. Nick wasn't asleep, he was staring at the window with a blank expression.

"Nick?" she asked quietly.

"Mmm?" he replied.

"You ok?" She sat up and covered herself with the blanket.

"Sure" he smiled and sat up next to her.

"You seemed all lost in thoughts a couple of seconds ago"

"I do think sometimes"

"Sometimes..." she teased.

"Very funny" he smiled.

"You want to talk about it or am I gonna have to go all 'penny for your thoughts' on you?"

Nick was about to change the subject when he suddenly realized he didn't feel like he had to. There were many things he told about his childhood before, not just to her, but some were hidden. He never told some things to anyone, not even Maria.

"I just remembered something" his voice was quiet and Amanda moved closer, her hand softly touching his "this night when I was probably five, it was pouring rain, you couldn't see anything. My mom and I were at home and my father walked in. He was soaking wet, and he was angry, I don't even remember why. It's like he blamed my mom for the rain. He hit her and mom asked me to go to my room, she always tried to act like everything was fine, for my sake"

Amanda gave him a slight nod and he continued.

"That night I went to my room but I took the phone with me. I heard him shouting and breaking things. I was so scared so I called 911. The operator listened and said she'd sent help. A few minutes later a cop was at the door and my dad tried to assure him everything was fine. My mom played along, I couldn't understand why he didn't come in, didn't look around. He just left and my father got so angry because I called the police...I had a toy cop car and that night I held it after everyone were asleep and I promised myself that when I grow up I will be a good cop, I won't let kids get hurt, and I won't let fathers hit on mothers or kids"

* * *

Amanda watched as Nick finished his beer, she knew he wasn't the cop he wanted to be, she knew how much he hated that.

"Whatever happens" she said "I'm sure it's gonna work out" she stood up, it was getting late and she had to get up early the next day.

"I left my car by your place" he sounded guilty, like he was forcing her to remember their earlier encounter.

"Ok" she waited for him to get up before walking out of the bar.

A part of her was screaming 'don't do this, keep your distance, you will get hurt' while another was calming her, saying it was just a walk to her place. Nick won't let anything happen, not after what he said not so long ago.

They started walking in silence, neither could think of a neutral subject.

"Can you just tell me something?" he finally asked, they were about to cross the street and the question caught Amanda off guard, causing her to stay planted on the sidewalk while Nick walked to the other side.

The color turned red so quickly it felt like a sign, the road, the cars, so much was separating them. She thought that maybe Nick not knowing was the best thing for him? Maybe it could be a fresh start for Nick? He could focus on being a great detective. Being who he wanted to be.

The night he told her the story Amanda could see it so vividly, she could see that little boy in Nick's eyes, he felt like he let him down. Maybe, somehow, without her, he could make it right.

Amanda took out her phone and texted him. She knew she won't be able to say the words.

 _Maybe it's best, just try to forget what you do know, I won't say anything._

Nick checked his phone. Amanda's message confused him. He looked up, the light turned green again, but Amanda was walking the other way.


	16. Chapter 16

Amanda's message confused Nick. Maybe it's best, just try to forget what you do know, I won't say anything.

He could just ignore it and let it go, but something told him not to. Nick crossed the road and ran after her.

"Amanda" he shouted when he wasn't too far away from her "wait"

She stopped and waited a second before turning around "Nick..."

"I don't know what to say and I don't know what I want you to say but I need you to understand what I'm going through! I just found out we're...something...and I can't just let it go"

"I'm so sorry about everything Nick, but maybe this is a sign" she looked at him, trying to push back her feelings "maybe in a way you can start over now" these were not the words Amanda wanted to say, but she couldn't say anything else. Nick was forced to change, he no longer remembered the time they spent together, the way he used to touch her, to kiss her. All she wanted was to remind him, to feel it again. But she had to accept the possibility it might not happen, the memories won't return.

"You need to focus on the trial and getting back to work, not what happened" she shrugged "whatever I say, it won't satisfy you because you can't see it and it's not your fault and not mine. So please, please just let it go" she stared straight into his eyes, not looking away. She was talking to Nick but the words were also directed to her, even though she didn't want to let go, there was no other option.

"Forgive me for not telling you and move on" the request was made with a voice that sounded like it belonged to someone else but Amanda was able to control it and she didn't break. Talking to him, seeing the look in his eyes, the way he'd have no idea what she was talking about, it would just shatter her already broken heart.

Maybe one day he will wake up and everything will come back.

She couldn't spend her life waiting.

* * *

When Nick arrived back to his place it was late. But he couldn't go to sleep. It's been hours since he spoke to Leigh and it seemed like his world turned upside down again. He remembered Maria mentioning a voice she heard, was she talking about Amanda?

Nick decided to go through his place again, he couldn't find anything last time but maybe he missed something? What if he hid something because Zara or Gil came by, he'd probably try to keep this a secret from the kids. Nick made sure he looked through every drawer, under each couch cushion. As if the house was a crime scene and he was looking for evidence.

During the examination he kept on seeing Amanda's face when she asked him to forgive her. He felt so guilty at that moment. He'd seen her in rough situations before but she'd never looked more broken. He just nodded and she walked away.

He reached the bedroom, looked under the bed again, under the mattress. He had no idea what he was looking for, a piece of clothing? a love note? what would satisfy the curiosity?

Nick opened the closet's door. Everything looked perfectly normal, his suits were hanged, the shirts folded. Unlike the clutter in his personal life, the closet was in perfect order. He wanted it to be the other way around and threw one of the jackets on the floor. It was a dumb thing to do, it didn't change or made anything better, he couldn't even explain to himself why he did it. Nick bent down to pick it up and noticed something was sticking out of the pocket. A piece of paper. He usually checked the pockets before hanging something back in the closet.

He picked it up the paper and chuckled. It was a receipt from a place called 'bailar if you wanna' it wasn't very old, why would he go there? he hasn't been there for years... did he go there with Amanda? What other explanation was there? He used to go there years ago with his buddies from college, when the place just opened. A part of him was surprised it still existed, but he was much more surprised that he actually told someone about it. This thing with Amanda must have been serious.

* * *

Nick had a lot of free time on his hands. With him being on leave he didn't have to go to work and he wasn't too welcomed there at the moment anyway. The only place he had to go to was the psychologist's, Mark Grady's office. He had an appointment later that day and spent some time at the gym, the doctor told him to go easy and Nick really tried not to overdo it, but at this point the punching bag was a great distraction.

He ate an early lunch with his mother, she was so worried about him and he tried to do his best to assure her he was fine. Of course that wasn't exactly true, there were many things that were far from fine, but his mother didn't have to know about it.

He arrived home and turned on the TV, not that he cared about any of the shows. His eyes fell on the receipt he found last night. He looked at it again this morning as if it would reveal something, answer all of his questions. Going to the 'bailar' wouldn't hurt, not like he had something better to do, maybe being there would help him remember something.

Nick parked his car and walked inside. At this hour the place was empty, and the woman behind the bar raised her eyes when he walked in.

"We're closed" she informed him.

"I know" he showed her his badge, he didn't plan on using it, but took it anyway.

"Can I help you?" she seemed surprised that the NYPD had questions about the place.

"I'm detective Amaro from SVU" Nick introduced himself, he didn't even think, the words just poured out of him "I was wondering if you have security cameras, we have a man who claims to have been here a few days ago"

"Yes, we have security footage, I can show it to you if it would help"

"It would"

She asked him to follow her to the office and he looked around, nothing seemed familiar and he knew this wasn't something he should talk about when he'll be at Grady's office, he didn't need him thinking he was insane.

"This is from the night you need" she chose a video and showed it to Nick. Her phone rang and she walked out of the office to take the call.

Nick was grateful for the interruption, he needed to be alone. He fast forwarded the video until he saw himself and Amanda. The quality was good and he could see the two of them clearly. They walked inside together, she was laughing and he was smiling at her. The camera is pointed mostly on the dance floor and for a while they are not on the screen. He skips forward until they reappear, after eating probably. He holds her hand and twirls her before they actually dance to the rhythm.

Nick's eyes were glued to the screen, he's watching himself but it's like looking at a stranger. He's dancing with Rollins, kissing her, holding her so close. They looked happy, that much was clear. Even though the camera wasn't very close to them, he could see it in the way they smiled at each other.

"You found what you were looking for?"

Nick heard the woman's voice and turned the video off. He hoped she won't look at it, and if she would, that she won't recognize him

"Yes" he stood up and smiled "thank you very much"

He drove off, the video kept on playing in his head. It was hard to grasp the fact it was him on that screen, it felt unreal, he couldn't remember it. But it was real, what he saw in the footage wasn't two people who just sleep together, there was something deeper, much more meaningful.

How could it just disappear?

Nick couldn't stop thinking about it. When he first found out he was so angry at Amanda for not telling him but after seeing them together Nick understood her, he was now upset with himself. The man in the video looked genuinely happy, and the man who was here now felt more like a shadow, like he wasn't real.

Even though he didn't want to talk about it with the psychologist, Nick found it hard to stay focused on the conversation, Grady was talking about something and Nick was thinking about Amanda, the video, her saying she loved him.

"How could I forget something good?" Nick asked it with so much interest he surprised both himself and Grady.

"What do you mean?" The other man asked.

Nick hesitated but realized he had nothing to loose "I recently found out I've been seeing someone" Grady looked very intrigued "but I don't remember it and I confronted her about it, she wasn't the one to tell me. First I was really angry, but now I'm asking myself how could I loose something that made me happy"

"Because we know you forgot upsetting things, like getting a divorce, your daughter moving away..."

"Exactly" Nick nodded.

"What do you think made you happy about this relationship?"

"I can't remember" Nick chuckled, how can you really answer something like that?

"Do you think something could have been problematic with it?" Grady tried.

Nick tried to think of the question, they were both stubborn, but how bad could that be, they usually argued about work things...work, of course.

"We work together" he replied quietly, they were not supposed to have any kind of relationship.

"In the same unit?"

"Yes" he nodded, at least Grady won't be able to tell anyone.

"So you're saying that you have a relationship with a coworker, something that is not allowed and if found out will have an unpleasant outcome, I'd say that's a pretty tough stop to be at"

Nick didn't say anything but it was true, if anybody found out, they would be in so much trouble, they both already had some issues with the brass so something as major as this... did they have a plan? Probably not. Were they just going to keep this a secret for...forever? Were they planning to just stop at some point?

"I guess so" he agreed with the therapist.

"Do you think there's a right choice here? Because I'm guessing this isn't something that can last the way it has, even if this whole thing wouldn't have happen"

Nick had no idea, of course his job was almost important to him, he took it seriously and wouldn't risk it for something meaningless. But that wasn't the case. What was he supposed to do now?

"I want to remember, to know how I felt" he confessed, he wanted to be the man in the video again.

* * *

Nick.

The first thing I do when I wake up is say his name. I do not speak, not out loud. But when I say it, Nick. The word seems so strong, I feel like I am shouting it and everybody can hear. Because he is the only thing that exists.

He was so beautiful when he was here. His brown eyes were full of concern and I wanted to hold his hands in mine and promise to fix it. I did it once.

Nick.

The lawyer was here yesterday. I do not speak to him, I do not speak to anyone.

He explained about the trial. He is a young man but seems so old. He was talking and I was thinking about my love.

I have to find a way to return to him. I can not leave him alone.

He is broken without me.

I will make it right Nick. I promise.


	17. Chapter 17

The guard walks into my cell. I do not like the way he looks at me. It is not the way the other guards do. I know what he wants.

The lawyer is here again. The guard takes me to see him.

He glances at me, I know what he sees.

But I know he is my chance.

My way to get to Nick.

I do not say a word to the lawyer, I think only about my plan.

The guard opens the door and the lawyer shakes his head "you have to talk if you want my help, or else..." he walks away and we follow him with our eyes. When he is gone I look at the guard, I smile at him and then I whisper.

"Hi"

I can see he likes it. And I will do whatever it takes to be with Nick. He is my bird.

* * *

Amanda was sitting on the chair, the coffee in the paper cup was now cold, she barely had any. The GA meeting was almost over and she knew Adam would ask her about her silence, she didn't say a word. But she had a lot on her mind, with Nick finding out and her asking him to let go. She tried to distract herself but work wasn't helping, jogging didn't help. Nothing did.

"What's going on?" Adam asked and Amanda noticed the room was almost empty.

Amanda's reply was a shrug, she didn't want to explain but she knew he won't believe a lie.

"If you want to talk you know I'll listen" he didn't probe and she was grateful for it "I have something to tell you though"

"What's that?" they were about to leave but Amanda stopped to throw away the cold coffee.

"I got a job offer today" he let her know.

"Oh really? I thought you already have one" she smiled.

"This one pays better, the hours are better too"

"Am I supposed to guess or are you just gonna tell me? And FYI, I'm not in a guessing mood" she said.

Adam looked at her "on old partner of my captain is a PI, he retired from the NYPD a few years ago and runs a pretty successful place"

"Are you kidding? Are you really thinking about it?" she was surprised to hear it.

"I am" he nodded and gave her a serious look "this is a chance to do something different but similar, I doubt I can stay in the force for long. I don't have to tell you how hard it is. The cases are not easy, you go home and take it with you, I have so much baggage as it is, and I don't have to explain that part as well. You can understand that. This job is not about taking photos of cheating husbands, he runs serious investigations"

"Then I'm happy for you" Amanda did know what he was talking about "you are saying that you're taking it, right?"

"I am" he nodded.

Amanda looked at the ground for a moment "when are you leaving the NYPD?"

"A month or so" he replied.

"That's pretty soon"

"The captain has to find a replacement, big shoes to fill" Adam joked "but I guess he's gonna start looking soon. But you know I'm still gonna go to the meetings here, none of that is going to change"

"I had no doubt about that" she smile, sobriety was extremely important to Adam "but..." she started but didn't continue.

"But?" he asked after a few moments of silence.

"Nothing, I just had a thought" Amanda shook her head, she though of something but wasn't sure it was a good idea to say it out loud.

"What was it?"

"Well..." she took a deep breath "what about me?"

"What about you?" Adam gave her a questioning look.

"Replacing you" she explained.

"You want to transfer to homicide? I though you liked SVU"

"I've been there for few years now and a change can be good" Amanda knew he wasn't buying it, even though it wasn't a lie.

"Does it have anything to do with Amaro?" his voice was serious "I know everything that's been going on isn't easy on you, with him not remembering and knowing about you two"

Amanda chuckled and looked away "that's not entirely true anymore" she told him "he found out"

"So you talked about it?" he figured that's why she was so upset during the meeting.

"I wasn't the one to tell him" she smiled bitterly but didn't add anything.

"Who did then?" Amanda told him they were careful and tried their best to keep it a secret, but Adam always knew something like that can't be kept a secret for long.

"She" her voice was so quiet Adam wasn't sure she even spoke.

"What? Who?"

"She" Amanda raised her voice a bit "Leigh"

"WHAT?" Adam's voice, unlike Amanda's was so loud a man who walked by turned to look at them "what do you mean Leigh told him?"

"That's what he said"

"I told you she wasn't talking to anyone, not even her lawyer, not a single word and you are telling me that Amaro went to see her and she talked to him, you are saying he went to see her, right?"

"I guess, he was busy screaming at me for not telling him, he just said she told him"

"This isn't good, I don't like it one bit" he said and was about to reach his phone "how did she know?"

Amanda shrugged, Nick didn't say that but she must have followed him.

"She must have been following him for a few days" he said exactly what she was thinking "You think he told anyone else?" Amanda shook her head "I don't either, this can mess up the trial, we are keeping a secret, I just hope this doesn't bite us in the ass" he gave her a stern look "this is why you asked about the transfer, isn't it? Amaro wasn't happy you didn't tell him"

Amanda nodded "it's not like I was going to ask Benson to transfer me, but when you mentioned it now, I realized maybe this could be a fresh start for me"

"We have to make sure he doesn't say anything about this visit, from what I've seen, the defense attorney is at a loss, she's not cooperating I doubt he's gonna check the visitors log. If Amaro keeps it to himself no one's gonna care and this will be over.

"I don't think you have to worry about that, I doubt he's gonna want anyone to know about us. But I'm not going to talk to him about it"

"Yeah, well..." they were not far from his car and it was time to say goodbye "listen, I'm sorry things worked out this way. I will talk to the captain, he knows you're a good detective"

"I appreciate it" she smiled "Thanks"

* * *

Adam drove off but he didn't go home. He trusted Amanda, their friendship was based on something deep, it wasn't the addiction that bonded them, it was the will to stay sober. This is why he was honest with her, he told her about all of his financial issues, how low he had fallen and how hard he's been trying to keep his head above the water.

He knew how hard she's been trying.

But he didn't know Amaro that well. He knew Amanda was in love with him, even when she didn't say so herself, but what did he feel? There were many rumors about him, about he temper, his behavior. When Carter was murdered Adam knew some people in the NYPD seriously thought he was involved.

He parked the car close to Amaro's place and knocked.

"Detective" Nick seemed surprised to see him but allowed him to walk inside "what's going on"

"First of all" he said "I know everything"

Nick was unsure what he was referring to.

"I know about you and Rollins, I know you went to see the woman who attacked you"

"Then I guess you do know everything" Nick's voice was a tad sarcastic "what are you doing here?"

"Have you told anyone about this visit? Apart from Rollins"

Nick shook his head, he wasn't going to mention it was the therapist's idea.

"You need to keep it to yourself, Leigh isn't talking, to anyone. Her lawyer has no defense, but if they find out she talked to you, I don't know where it would lead. Right know we have enough to convict her. There's no need to raise questions"

"I wasn't going to say anything, you do know what she did to me, right? You were there, with Rollins" Nick wondered why this guy was at his place, what was the nature of his friendship with her, they were supposed to be friends, but they must have been good friends, how else would he know about Amanda and him? Did anyone but him know?

"What did she tell you?"

"Does it matter?" Nick didn't want to share the information with him.

"I'm not here to argue with you Amaro, I know you've been through something terrible, but I just want to make sure your attacker, a murderer gets what she deserves, with the people involved not getting into trouble, by people involved I mean you, Rollins and yes, me too"

"Fine" Nick nodded "she said she killed him because of me, because he upset me" Nick chuckled "not my proudest moment"

"You know this wasn't your fault" Adam was surprised, the woman was insane.

"You know this line is meaningless" Nick said it so many times, but it never made anyone feel better, no matter how true it was.

"I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page"

"We are" Nick confirmed "I want her behind bars too"

"Good" Adam nodded and was about to walk out, he though about adding something about Amanda, but decided it wasn't his place to intervene.

"Wait" Nick stopped him "how do you know? _Everything_ "

Adam turned to Nick, he knew Amanda told him about their friendship, he told her it was ok "I know Rollins from GA, you can say I put two and two together some time ago so she told me. You and I aren't friends but we've met, which I guess you don't remember. This is not my business, but I know Amanda loves you, I don't want to meddle but you should know that, if you don't"

"I do" Nick replied "and I wish I could remember, I wish I could feel whatever I felt, do you think I like this?"

"Why don't you try then?" Adam asked but didn't wait for a response, he just left.

* * *

Amanda took Frannie for a walk and heated herself some leftovers. The food was pretty flavorless, it's been in the fridge for a few days. Nick always laughed about it, he ate a lot of take out too, but he actually cleaned the fridge once in a while.

The thought made her smile, they had so many moments like this, they were so sweet, like a real couple's every day life. Apart from the whole secret thing.

But maybe things will work out with the transfer, at least if she's not in SVU anymore she won't have to see him. Hiding their relationship was hard enough, hiding their break up while working with him would be so much harder. So she had to move. Even if Nick remembered, what kind of future could they have?

She finished eating and cleaned up. when Amanda turned the TV on Frannie got on the couch and Amanda patted her as she watched a program.

There was a soft knock on the door and Frannie rushed to it. Amanda looked through the peephole and opened the door, she wasn't sure what to think of the visitor but she couldn't pretend she wasn't home.

"I'm not here to fight, I have to talk to you" Nick said and Amanda moved so he could walk in.

* * *

 _What does Nick want to say? Will Amanda move to a different squad? And of course Leigh's plan...all will be revealed in the next chapters._


	18. Chapter 18

_Here's a very quick update._

 _I don't know what's up with this site, why the reviews do not appear. But I get a notification by email, so I read and love them. So please make sure to leave a few words after you're done with this chapter._

 _Enjoy._

* * *

Amanda shut the door but didn't turn around, it was just like the other day, when he came by just to shout. Frannie was very welcoming again, he patted her and smiled this time.

"Listen" he started and Amanda finally looked at him "I don't know where to start, but I have a lot of things to say" he gave her a moment to respond but Amanda stared at him without speaking "first I want to say I'm sorry about the way I reacted, it was too much and I am really sorry"

She gave him a slight nod, it was a sign she was listening, not of forgiveness.

"I don't even know how to say this but I found a receipt from a place we went to, I went there and looked at their security footage"

Amanda was surprised by this, even though it was Nick, he didn't like being in the dark so why wouldn't he try to investigate his own life?

"When I saw it, I understood, I understood why you didn't say anything. The people I saw there were happy, and I was watching myself, and I wasn't that man. But he was so happy and so were you"

Amanda didn't move, she looked at Nick as he talked wondering what he wanted, she accepted his apology, but he still didn't remember. Was he saying he was no longer that guy? The one she loved? Or was he saying he is?

"What I'm trying to say is that I want to remember, but I need your help Ro...Amanda" he stopped talking and looked at her, Frannie raised her head and looked at her too, as if she could understand Nick's words.

"Help you?" she could offer to kiss him, but he might find it weird and she didn't want to kiss him if he didn't know what they had "how?"

"Tell me about us, how it started maybe...anything..." while he was talking Nick noticed she was pretty reluctant, but she was the only one who could shed some light on this part of his life.

"I..."

"I know it won't be easy for you, I know what you said" he referred to her saying she loved him "but it's all I have, you're all I have for this. Your friend, the detective, came to see me and he told me I should try, and he's right. I can't sit and wait, I might never remember but I at least I'll know, please" he pleaded.

When he made his way to her apartment Nick didn't have a plan or a speech, he decided to say what's on his mind when he sees her. The words poured out of him, they weren't very organized but they were clear.

Amanda looked at his feet, Frannie was tired of waiting for a reply and walked back to the couch. Amanda followed her and turned off the TV. She disappeared into another room and Nick asked himself if this was some kind of silent treatment. But a few seconds later she returned, wearing a jacket.

"Let's go" she looked at him and he followed her out of the door.

Nick decided not to bother her with questions, not until she stopped and explain. They walked out of the building and he thought they'd get to her car but she continued on foot and a few minutes later they were standing by an alley. It didn't look familiar, but it sure seemed quiet, deserted maybe. It could easily be a crime scene, maybe it was.

"Anything?" she asked, not sounding too hopeful.

Nick shook his head and looked around again. What was he supposed to do to regain the memories?

Amanda leaned against a wall and smiled at him, it was a beautiful smile, not sarcastic, not smug. It was a happy one. He walked over to her and leaned on the wall too, hoping something would pop up. It didn't, but finally Amanda started talking.

* * *

It was freezing. Amanda was wearing a warm coat but it was so cold it barely helped.

"Let's hurry up" she told Nick "before I'm gonna turn into an icicle"

"Don't worry, I'll keep you warm" he offered and grabbed her from behind.

"Nick!" she was surprised "careful!" it was more about the fact he was touching her in plain sight, they weren't supposed to do that.

He put her down and she smiled to him. Nick grabbed her hand and pulled her after him to the alley. He was cold too, but her cheeks were red due to the low temperature and he really wanted to kiss her. They weren't far from her place, no one was following them into the alley.

"What are you doing?" she asked when he gently pinned her to the wall and stared at her.

"Looking at you" his voice was husky.

"You can do that it my place, where it's not so damn cold" she told him but made no effort to move.

"I know" he moved closer to her, their lips weren't far now.

"If I get sick I'm gonna blame you and you're gonna have to take care of me" she warned.

"I promise" he caught her lips with his "I will come by everyday" he kissed her again "bring you chicken soup" another kiss "take care of Frannie" another one "make you tea" another one "run you a hot bath" he kissed her again, smiled at her.

"You're making being sick sound good" she gave him a quick peck "but we can do all that when we're healthy...and warm...and naked"

"I like the sound of that" he moved so she could walk ahead of him and hurried to her place.

* * *

"Wait" Nick gave her a confused look "I remember I had a nasty cold a while ago..."

Amanda nodded and touched the wall. a few days after he thought it would be a good idea to make out in some alley while it's freezing, Nick got sick. He had to stay at home, she came by to visit and laughed at him while he was lying on the couch.

"Nothing?" she asked after a few quiet minutes had passed. She brought him here because she loved that moment, loved the playful, not so serious, Nick.

It was the moment Amanda realized she was in love with Nick. The way his words, his touch, his lips, made her warm in the cold alley. It was suddenly clear, she loved him.

That's why she brought him to that spot. Hoping it would stir something in his brain, wake something up. Maybe he felt something in that moment? She remembered the way her heart was beating as they walked to her apartment. She tried to hide the silly grin that kept on forming. Nick even asked her what was so funny, but she just shook her head.

"Come on" she said after it was clear it didn't ring any bells.

This time they walked further away. Again, she remained silent the entire way and Nick did the same. She stopped by a bus station and gave him a questioning look. But he shook his head, he recognized nothing. He couldn't think of anything meaningful, or not meaningful that happened to him there.

"we had a fight here" she let him know. It was the biggest one since the fight at the bar, but she wasn't planning on taking Nick there. She didn't mind if he lost that memory forever.

* * *

The 'bus stop fight' was a turning point in their relationship. Nick drove them to a small restaurant. They usually spent most of their time together at her place, at a bar by her apartment sometimes. They had to be careful. But when they were in the mood, once in a blue moon, they'd go to a quiet place and have a nice dinner.

Amanda was the one to offer the restaurant, she'd never been there before, but it seemed like a good place.

"This is not bad" she took a bite of her food and smiled "doesn't compare to my stuff"

"Yeah, compare it to your cooking" he chuckled "don't worry about offending the chef"

"Funny" she smiled widely and stole a piece of his steak "now yours..." she finished chewing "is not that bad too"

"You're a hard woman to please"

"I..." her smile suddenly disappeared and Nick turned around so he could see what caused the reaction.

Damn, it was detective Raven, he was just transferred to the precinct and he was very nosy and had a big mouth. This wasn't going to stay a secret if he sees them.

"What are we going to do?" she asked quietly, but didn't wait for him to talk, Raven was about to turn around and she did the only thing that came to her mind. Hide under the table.

This caught Nick off guard, but a minute later he realized this was probably the smartest thing she could have done.

"Amaro?" he heard a voice and turned to look at Raven "what are you doing here?"

"Having dinner" Nick acted like this was a stupid question, what was a man doing at a restaurant?

"Alone?" the other detective looked at the half empty plate on the other side of the table.

"No" he tried to sound casual "and you?"

"I have a date" Raven lowered his voice "let's keep it on the down low"

"Ok" Nick nodded, hoping he will be left alone and they will figure out a way to get away.

"Where's your lady friend?"

"In the bathroom" he replied quickly "maybe you should go back to your table"

"Maybe you could join us, I'm sure my friend won't mind, yours probably won't so..." without a warning he grabbed Amanda's chair and sat down "it could be fun"

Nick was not happy about this, and Amanda felt exactly the same, she squeezed his knee "I don't think so" he said "I think you better go, now, this is really rude and I can't believe you just sit here like that, have you heard of manners?"

"Alright..." Raven got up, a bit taken aback by Nick's anger "have fun then...you and your...lucky lady..."

Nick asked for the check form a waitress who walked by and pretended he had to tie his shoe so he could talk to Amanda.

"How am I gonna get out of here?" she whispered.

"I'm gonna pay and distract him" he said. Nick wasn't sure it would work but they couldn't stay there all night. People at the squad room were going to hear about it the next day, and he wasn't sure he wanted them to find out he spent an entire evening alone in a restaurant, with two plates. Not suspicious or weird at all.

After paying Nick got up and walked over to Raven's table.

"I came by to apologize" he told him and made sure he looked the other way so Amanda could get out of there "I'm sorry, it's been a long day and I guess I wanted some time away from work, coworkers..."

"It's ok, I understand" Raven nodded, Amanda was gone and Nick figured the other man didn't see her or else he'd say something.

"It was wrong and I apologize" he smiled at Raven and then at his date.

"How about you make it up to me?"

Nick was surprised by the question but had no time to decline because Raven already told him they'd go get drinks the following day "ok" Nick had no other choice "see you"

He felt so relived when he was outside, Amanda was on the other side of the street and he crossed the street.

"That was so embarrassing" she was unhappy.

"Tell me about it" they started walking "I have a date with him tomorrow"

"Have fun, lovebirds" she looked at him with a smile, but it faded fast "this isn't good"

"No it isn't" he agreed.

His car was parked not too far from the restaurant and they walked to it's direction. But Amanda stopped by a bus stop and Nick looked at her.

"Amanda?" he waited for her to join him.

"What if he did see me? Damn it Nick, we are gonna get into so much trouble..."

"I don't think he saw anything, and if he did, we are friends who had dinner together, it's not a big deal" he tried to sound calm, but he was worried too.

"I don't know if that's true" she shrugged "I don't know what we're doing. We're jeopardizing everything"

Nick nodded "I know" he said, the though crossed his mind more than once, was this affair worth the trouble?

"So what? This is dumb, I had to hide under a freaking table" she chuckled.

"I'm sorry, what do you want me to say?" he felt like she was blaming him for something, but they both knew this was against the rules, they still broke them.

"I don't know" her voice was a bit louder.

"I don't either" Nick shook his head a little "maybe you should take the bus home, we should call it quits and count our blessings"

"Maybe" Amanda didn't move.

"If this is what you think is right" he wasn't sure why he was so upset, what kind of future was there for them? It was just fun, no strings attached, no emotions. So why was the thought of ending it so frustrating? "I don't want any drama, I had enough of that and this is what we both agreed on, isn't it? No drama, just fun, am I wrong?"

"Right now I'm having so much fun!" she rolled her eyes. Amanda was mad, mad about the fact they were so close to being caught, mad because they will be in trouble if that happened, mad because he spoke so easily about putting an end to this.

"Well me too" he took a deep breath "I don't like this and I don't know what to say, are you mad at me? You think I invited him to the restaurant? I thought it was a better idea to stay at your place..."

"So this is my fault?"

"This is not what I said, but..." he started

"But it would have been a better idea to just fuck at my place and then leave, right?"

"Amanda..." she knew very well it wasn't just about sex to him and the fact she insinuated that hurt him more than it upset him "you know it's not like that"

"Maybe it should be, because nothing else works. We should just meet at my place, have sex and then you can just go, that's fun, that's no strings attached, no complications" it's not what he wanted and she knew that. But a part of her thought it would be better than nothing "we both know this is dangerous, so let's keep it simple"

"Maybe we can't keep it simple" he countered.

"Fine" she said.

"Fine" he stood there, staring at her.

They were both angry, at themselves, at the other. The situation was complicated and they had to make a decision. Going their separate ways was the obvious choice, it was the easiest, cleanest. They could also try harder, be even more careful.

Amanda didn't want to give up, she was good at that but...she didn't want to give up on her and Nick, maybe he wouldn't want to do that too.

"Do you want to take the bus with me?" she asked quietly.

"Yes" he nodded "but I'd rather drive you home"

"Fine" she said.

"Fine" they walked toward his car "you know, there's this place I know, I went there years ago, it's really far from here and no way we'd see anyone we know there, it's called 'bailar if you wanna'"

"Seriously?" Amanda gave him a curious look "didn't know you can dance"

"I'm gonna have to show you some time"

"Fine" she chuckled.

* * *

"So..." Nick looked at her "what happened then?"

"What do you think?" she smiled and her cheeks turned a little red "we went back to my place. Raven married that girl by the way"

"He moved to Texas, didn't he?" he asked.

"Aha, really put an end to your friendship"

"I know you're lying about that part" he grinned at her, he had a vague memory of the drinks he had with Raven, but that was probably due to the fact he didn't really like him. He kept on talking about his girlfriend.

He seemed lost in thoughts so Amanda didn't add anything. That night was a turning point, they could have easily walked away. But they chose not to.

"I think I loved you too" she looked puzzled by his words "I watched that video and it was pretty obvious"

"Loved?" she repeated the past tense.

"I didn't mean it like that..." he tried, but wasn't sure what he meant.

"It's OK Nick" she tried to brush it off "you don't remember, I thought if I'll show you instead of just talk about it..."

"I'm glad you did and...I wish it would have worked, magically bring it all back. But I'm starting to realize that I won't ever remember, the doctor said it was a possibility...I hate that, but maybe I should just accept it"

"I'm sorry" Amanda's words were aimed at both of them, she felt bad for his loss as well as for hers.

They sat down on the bench at the bus stop and watched the cars that drove by.

"At least the trial will start in a few days and you will be able to put a part of this behind you" she said.

"So this detective guy, you go to GA together?" he looked at her.

"Yeah, I told him what you said, that she told you about us..." she was a bit apologetic, wondered what Adam had told him.

"That's fine, maybe I should have said something myself, but she said she did it because of me, killed him because I was upset..."

"Nick..." Amanda wanted to comfort him, place her hand over his, hug him.

"She must have followed me...that's why she did it, how she knew about us"

"Probably" she nodded and looked at him, she had so many strong feelings towards this man, even now, in the midst of this mess, his presence calmed her in a way only he was able to.

"You know" this time Amanda grazed his palm "whatever happens, you're a good guy, I know you've been through a lot and doubted it more than once, but I always knew that you're more than your mistakes. You told me once that you want to be a good man, and you are. Even if others say you're not, if 1pp or whoever, say that. I'm gonna tell you otherwise, you always made me feel like I'm a better person, like I'm worth something. I wish things between us could go back to the way they were" she shrugged "but if that's not the case, thank you"

Nick looked into her eyes, he could see the sadness, the longing in that beautiful blue color. He broke her heart and couldn't control it, couldn't blame himself. How was he supposed to fix it?

From what he could remember Amanda and he always had a rocky friendship. They had loud disagreements about cases, but they also helped one another. He always thought she was a smart and interesting person, troubled, yes, but heck, he had a lot on his plate too. Maybe all of that ended up pushing them together.

"What if we try again?" he offered, not sure he actually did.

"What?"

"I don't know, spend time together, go out" a part of him was unsure of what he was saying.

"Are you asking me out on a date?" Amanda wasn't sure if she should laugh or cry, was Nick serious? Did he really want them to do that?

"I guess" he felt like something inside him woke up, an excitement of some sort "why don't we take it slow? I know it's complicated, but you told me we stood here and decided to try, so why not try again? It's not the same and not fair, but..." he shrugged "if we were happy once, we can be happy again"

"You think it's that simple?"

"No" he replied honestly "but was it before?"

"Parts of it" Amanda looked down.

"I don't know what's going to happen, it's still gonna have to be a secret, still gonna be complicated but...if this is real then it will happen. When I saw myself in that video, this man was really happy, I can't remember the last time I felt like that, I'm not sure I know how it feels. If that's the effect it had on me maybe we shouldn't give up on this"

She had tears in her eyes and Nick wasn't sure whether he should shut up or continue.

"Will you go out with me then?" he smiled.

Amanda burst out in laughter and wiped the tears from her eyes "you never really asked me out, you know"

"Is that a yes?"

Amanda nodded agreeing to his offer, not like she had much to lose. Even if this won't work - she was already heartbroken so why not? Things can't get worse.

* * *

 _Or can they?_


	19. Chapter 19

_I recently reread my fics and I noticed a few things:_

 _First, I'm like Game of Thrones, most of my stories have a big thing in chapter nine…_

 _Second, I knew something would go wrong with Rollaro even if my first story, I wish I was wrong._

 _Anyway, this story proves it has a life of it's own, I started this chapter differently a few times and it brought me to this point. I like how I planned for this to have only about 10 chapters and now…_

 _But I enjoy writing it, after I was feeling better I though I'd finish this with 2 more chapters, but you're gonna get a little more than that._

 _And one more thing, even though I gave up on the show, I still love Nick and Amanda, but I love my Nick and Amanda. The ones that are in my stories. Good thing there are fanfics._

 _And the trial is coming up, I feel like it's in a few days for a year : )_

* * *

The thought of the date excited Nick more than he though it would. It was something good to look forward to and it's been a while since he had something like that. The situation with going back to work was still unclear, when he asked Benson it seemed like she was trying to avoid the question, when he asked her to just tell him the truth she confessed to not knowing. 1pp still didn't even allow him to be back on desk duty. They wanted to wait until the trial was over. Then, maybe, he'll be allowed back.

Nick wasn't sure if he should keep his hopes up. But being a detective felt like the only thing he knew how to do.

He asked Amanda if she wanted to postpone, wait until Leigh Henrie's behind bars. Nick didn't say it, but he hoped she wouldn't, it was only a few days away. Still, he didn't want to wait. The date was a distraction, something close to normal in his crazy reality.

* * *

Nick took his mom out for lunch and tried to convince her he was doing alright. He didn't want her to stay in the city during the trial, he'd be preoccupied with it so Nick offered her to fly to Miami, visit her daughter.

"She'd want to see you" he said.

"But you haven't been out of the hospital for that long" Cesaria gave him a worried look.

"Mom" he touched her hand "I promise that I'm ok, you haven't seen her for a while, so please go. It's OK"

After he said goodbye to his mother Nick went to pick up Gil from school, they played basketball and later Nick drove him back to his mother's. When he finally returned home Nick realized he was going to be late. He still had to take a shower and get dressed. He planned on going to a movie, so they'd have something neutral to talk about. Not about work, not about the things he couldn't remember.

* * *

During the entire day Amanda kept the thought about this date somewhere in the back of her mind, she was focused on work. But when she got home she felt the butterflies, like she was a teenager. She's been out with Nick, kissed him, slept with him. Sure, they never had an official first date, but they had an entire almost relationship.

She took Frannie for a walk and took a quick shower. They weren't going anywhere fancy so she put on a nice pair of dark jeans and a light blue blouse.

'Don't keep your hopes up' she told herself before opening the door, Nick doesn't remember, she loved him but he was confused. They were giving it a shot but she couldn't expect anything.

* * *

When Maria flew in with Zara she explained what happened between them that lead to the divorce. At first it wasn't easy for him to accept the fact his family was broken, but gradually he felt like it was bound to happen, they could have tried to save the marriage but they were never meant to be. Maria said they both changed, but he asked himself if they were wrong for each other from the start. She's been deployed for a long time during their years together so there were parts about one another they didn't know. He loved her for a long time, but sometimes love doesn't last forever.

Nick was OK with moving on, turned out he already has, being with Amanda. He meant what he said to her, if they were happy once they can be happy again. They could at least try.

He had to at least try.

* * *

"Hey" Amanda smiled and let him walk into the apartment.

Again, Frannie was happy to see him and he greeted her with a smile.

"I have a confession to make" he kneeled down so he could pat Frannie's head "I got a bit distracted with Gil today and didn't have time to get us tickets to a movie. When I checked online all the good seats were taken and I figured you wouldn't want to drive too far to watch something"

"You wanted us to go watch a movie?" he didn't tell her about his plans for the date.

"Movie and a dinner" he got up "I know it's usually the other way around, but I thought why not"

"Living on the edge, ha?" she smirked.

"I wanted to keep things simple" he explained.

"We don't have to do that" she leaned on the closest wall "I know you're trying to avoid the elephant in the room, but I think it's ok if you do"

Nick stared at her, he couldn't decide what to say, so Amanda made the decision.

"Come on" she walked to the couch and sat down, Nick followed her.

They were both at some kind of disadvantage, With Amanda knowing and Nick not. But even though at first she didn't want them to talk about what was going on between them Amanda realized it wasn't fair to him and even if they try to ignore it, it would still be there, hanging over them.

"You can ask anything, if I won't feel comfortable, I won't answer" she let him know and he nodded in agreement "you want a drink? I have beer"

Nick nodded again and she brought them two bottles. He waited for her to sit down and take a sip of the drink before he spoke.

They looked at each other for a few moments, just wondering what the other was thinking and then Nick asked his first question.

"You and this guy, Weller…"

Amanda wasn't surprised by the fact that was the first thing Nick wanted to know was about her friendship with another man. He had a tendency to be jealous when he didn't know what was going on. Maybe it was a good sign?

"Adam and I know each other from GA, I can trust him and he can trust me. We're friends and he's a good guy" before this incident Nick knew about her and Adam. He was glad she had someone who knew what she was going through, the addiction was something he couldn't understand completely. It was one thing to read about it, it was something completely different to be an addict.

"He knows everything about us?" he asked.

"Most of it" Amanda nodded and placed the bottle on the table "it's not like he's a girlfriend" she chuckled, she wasn't sharing any intimate details with anyone "but he knows everything about the gambling" Amanda stopped talking, waiting for some kind of acknowledgment he knows what she's talking about, Nick gave her a quick nod "I know about his struggle, he lost a lot of money, sums I can only imagine. His parents tried to help him, paid some of his debt, but he spent more until they cut him off, they still refuse to talk to him. But he's been clean for a few years now, saving up money to pay them back"

"Oh…" Nick wasn't sure how to react, he figured he was already supposed to know all that or else she wouldn't have told him "is he the only other person who knows?"

"Officially, yes" she smiled shyly "I guess some people suspect something but…I don't know"

"How did it start?"

"You wanna guess?" Amanda gave him a daring look "not with a date, that's for sure" her cheeks turned slightly red.

"I think I get what you're saying" he looked at the floor, not sure what he was supposed to feel. It's not like he never got drunk and done something because of that.

"Things just happened after that…I guess we both liked having something"

He allowed himself to look at her longer this time, she looked more relaxed now, not at all tense, even though it was probably not that easy for her to talk about this. There was something about her in that moment. She took off her shoes and her feet were on the couch. He glanced at legs, her nails colored red and for a second it seemed like he'd seen the color before. The exact shade of red.

"Nick?" she awaited for him to ask something else, but he was just looking at her and it hurt her a little, she wanted him to do more than look, she wanted his hands on her body, his lips on her skin. But Amanda wanted Nick to want that too.

"Sorry" he apologized "I'm wrapping my head around it"

"How are you doing?" she asked, stirring the conversation from their relationship, but not too far.

"Fine, I guess" he shrugged, there goes the date, they were not supposed to talk about all of these serious things "except for the fact I'm not sure I'll ever get back to work"

"Still no news? I thought you were going to the therapist, that's what 1pp wanted, no?"

"Exactly, I'm doing what they want, I talk to him, physically I'm healthy. I feel like this is just an excuse for them. I don't think it's even up to Benson"

"She hasn't really said anything to any of us, so I can't help you there" Amanda grabbed the bottle again and drank more of the beer. Nick realized he was holding on to it the entire time.

"How are things?" work was another one of the subject that were not supposed to brought up.

"Same, SVU is always the same" she looked away, should she tell him about what she asked Adam to do? He told her that the captain is aware of her request and he was going to talk to her.

"Can I ask you something?" the hesitation was eminent in her voice.

"Of course"

"What if they won't let you come back? You thought about that?"

Now he placed the beer on the table, this question was something he asked himself all of the time.

"I think about it all of the time" he replied "I can't come up with an answer, I feel like it's all I know, how can I let it go?"

"I get that"

"You ever thought about it? Leaving?"

"Leaving SVU?" she wasn't ready to talk about the possible transfer.

"The NYPD" Nick said.

"I don't know" she shrugged, she never thought about it herself, she liked the job, even though it was hard.

"Have we talked about what would happen if we get caught?" it was something he asked himself, they were aware of the consequences.

"Not exactly, we just kept some distance at work and stayed mostly here, we went out sometimes, but nowhere too close, that was one of the reasons we went to that place…"

"Bailar?" he smiled.

"Yeah, you thought no one would recognize us there"

"What about the movie, that we were supposed to see the night it happened?"

"There was no movie, Nick" her voice was a bit strained "that day you said you had something to do, but you never told me what. I tried to call you and got worried so I asked Adam to help. You know…" her expression changed, and her eyes were filled with sadness "your phone was dead and we only found the general area…it was like a stroke of luck that we found you…I keep on asking myself what would have happened if we showed up earlier, you would have still remembered"

"Amanda…" but he thought about the same thing himself, what if.

"I know this is not how you wanted this evening to go, but…" she got up and walked to the kitchen, she needed to get away for a moment. Stupid emotions were clouding everything.

She wanted this to be a bad dream, to wake up next to Nick, he'll laugh at her when she'll tell him about the dream, say there's no way he'd ever forget about her.

"Amanda" Nick gave her a few moments before stepping into the kitchen.

"I'm fine"

"I should have told you where I was going, I shouldn't have gone there at all"

"She was following you, this wasn't your fault" she turned to him.

"This doesn't make it better" Nick shrugged and stood right in front of her.

"It doesn't" she agreed, but that's what they had.

"I can go" he offered quietly, maybe this was too hard on her after all.

"I don't want you to go" it sounded like a confession, but she kept the other part of it to herself.

"Alright" he said "you wanna stay? Go anywhere?" Nick wasn't sure what he wanted, maybe he wanted both.

Nick took a couple of steps forward, he wasn't even aware he's body was moving. But he was standing so close to her and his arm moved. It seemed to be in slow motion, his hand touched her arm, just for a second. He felt a surge of something unfamiliar, something he couldn't describe.

Amanda swallowed hard, asking herself what he was doing, but she wasn't going to ask him that.

But once his arm was off of her Nick took a step back. He had to admit this was confusing. Something was telling him to do more, more than just that slight touch. He suddenly remembered that dream he had a few nights ago. She was on the counter, wearing a dress and he…

He was afraid because right now he couldn't recognize himself, the pictures from the dream kept popping into his head, the way he touched her, the way he kissed her. Was this a dream or a memory? It was so vivid yet so unreal.

Amanda stayed still, as if she could read his mind, understand he was processing things, she couldn't help him.

"I think I should go" his voice was so quiet Amanda barely heard him, but she nodded, not able to say anything.

Nick turned around and quickly walked out of the apartment. He felt like he couldn't breathe. His eyes stung, was he crying? Something was happening to him. He felt something. A mixture of horrible pain and absolute pleasure. Maybe he was losing his mind, maybe he just wanted to grab her and make that dream a reality.

He took a few deep breaths once he was out of her building, the air filling his lungs felt good, but it didn't ease the feeling.

"Nick!" he heard a voice, her voice and turned around.

She looked a bit out of breath, just like him she ran down the stairs. Now that she was on the street she quickly walked over to him and without a warning pulled him into a kiss.


	20. Chapter 20

_Hey,_

 _Thank you for your reviews. I love them and I love you for leaving them._

 _I wish I could update everyday, but I have to do things like work, if only this could be my job :)_

 _And I have thought about your comments. I do love my Rollaro and they are awesome, I didn't think writing this after all this time would be so much fun! So maybe this won't be my last story, I think that when I'm done with this one I'll write a sequel to one of my other stories, but which one I'm gonna keep a secret._

 _Thanks for reading,_

 _brace yourselves..._

* * *

...she quickly walked over to him and without a warning pulled him into a kiss.

When they were standing in her kitchen just a few minutes ago all Amanda wanted was something to happen. There was so much tension she thought he'd do it, when he grazed her skin it was so short but it reminded her of everything she's been missing. So she ran after him, not sure this was the right thing, but not unsure of it. She just wanted something more, some kind of sign that something was there, that it will work out.

He was standing there, a little short of breath and she stopped thinking. Her body took charge and her right hand somehow got to the back of his head and pulled him to her. Locking her lips with his.

It felt good.

Nick though so too, at least he would have if he would have been able to think in that moment. But once their lips met everything was erased. He had no idea where he was and it didn't matter. All he felt was electricity running through him.

Her tongue swirled over his, or maybe the other way around. Nick wasn't aware of anything, he wasn't sure what he was doing or what Amanda was doing. His hands were on her waist and he moved one of them to her lower back, pulling her to him.

Amanda let out a moan, loving how Nick touched her, getting lost it in. She didn't care they were outside, anyone could walk by and see them. But it didn't matter, all she wanted was for this to last, for her not to wake up and realize it was a dream. For Nick not to say this is wrong.

They had to back away after a while to breath. Staring at each other as their lungs filled with air. Nick was the first to speak.

"I…" he started, but couldn't finish the thought, his mind was blank. Was this how kissing her felt like every time? Cause if that was the case how was he able to ever do anything else?

Amanda wanted to latch on to him, feel him again, but she wanted Nick to make the first move. He didn't push her away when she kissed him, he was kissing her back. Did he want more?

"I…" he tried again, still catching his breath. What was up with him? He couldn't regain control over his body. He chuckled, thinking this was not like him to not be able to speak.

"You don't have to say anything" Amanda tried to help him.

"I don't want to talk" he took a step towards her, a part of him wanted to go upstairs and continue this at her place, but he wasn't ready "but I think we should take this slow, ok?" He was dying to kiss her again, he still couldn't wrap his mind around all the emotions this kiss had awakened inside him. Not that he remembered things, but he could tell this was beyond desire, it was much deeper than that.

"I don't want to rush things" he touched her arm, he didn't want to hurt or offend her, he wasn't saying he wanted them to stop, just the opposite.

"Ok" Amanda's voice was barely a whisper.

Nick smiled at her and her lips curved into one too "I will call you" he let go of her and turned away. At least this was a suitable way to end a first date, with a promise to talk again. He glanced at her again, she was still standing there so he gave her a quick wave and she mirrored it.

He couldn't remember ever kissing anybody this way.

* * *

It was still early when Amanda walked into the squad room, it looked a lot like the one she was so used to, but it felt different.

"Captain Fisher?" Amanda knocked on the opened door.

"Detective Rollins" The man stood up and smiled at her "I'm glad you could make it so early, sit down" he gestured at the chair in front of his desk and sat on his.

"That's not a problem" she could barely sleep anyway, the thoughts of that kiss prevented any rest.

"Straight to the point" he looked at her "Weller told me you're interested in transferring to homicide"

"Yes" she nodded.

"You've been working SVU for a long time, what happened?"

The man I love forgot about what happened between us and I couldn't face him at work. But of course she couldn't tell him the truth, she wasn't sure if it was the truth anymore, but she still wanted to talk to Fisher, maybe the move will end up a good thing "I don't know if anything _happened_ " she explained "but I feel like it's time for a change"

"I have no idea how anyone's able to stay there long, not that homicide is a happy place" he chuckled at his joke "but I have four daughters, don't think I would have been able to work there"

"It's definitely not easy"

"I'm gonna be honest with you" he gave her a serious look "I've read your file and I know about some of the things you've been through, also, since I do know Weller for a long time, I've known what he's been through. I stand behind my detectives and will support them unless they do something wrong. But I need you to know that I'm skimpy with second chances, a great believer in them, but I won't let anyone jeopardize my squad"

Amanda already knew all that, Adam told her about Fisher and how he fired him when he "stumbled" and lost his house. Fisher helped him find a place to stay and the next day, when he followed Adam to a meeting, he confessed to never filing the paperwork. It reminded Amanda the way Cragen helped her. Would he have fired her if he was still the captain?

"The last thing I want is to go back to that" she let him know.

"Alright then" he smiled again "let's talk business"

* * *

When Amanda got back to SVU she had a good feeling. The meeting with Fisher went great, he was a good man and maybe this could be a fresh start, she had so much baggage in her old squad room, leaving it didn't seem like a bad idea.

She didn't say a word to anyone though, Fisher said he'd let her know and if Benson found out right now, she won't like it. With Nick being gone they all had to work so much harder and Amanda had to her emotions under control as well. She'd wait with talking until Fisher makes a decision.

On top of that, the trial was supposed to start. She got a call from the ADA, asking her to come by and go over her testimony later today. She couldn't really decline. Sure, she wanted to see Nick, hoped he'd want to see her. He said _take things slow_ , not stop everything.

* * *

Nick spent the night tossing and turning, he couldn't take his mind off of that kiss. A part of him believed that like in a cartoon, some ray of light will surround him and bring back the memories. That didn't happen, but her lips felt so good, they were connected to his mouth but they made his entire body warm.

He wanted to see her again, kiss her again.

But he had to wait. This excitement seemed to be taking over him and Nick wanted to be in control. He was going to call the next day, it was actually the same day now. But they'd see each other soon.

When Nick called her that evening she told him she had to meet with the ADA.

"The trial's in two days" she said "you probably gonna have to see her too, so how about we meet when it's over? It will be easier"

"I think you're right" he agreed, once this is over with he will be able to put a small part of it behind him.

* * *

Tomorrow is the day.

I look at the guard, I do not like the way he touches me, holds my wrists, the way his skin feels against mine.

It is wrong, it is not his place to be. I do not love him, I do not want him.

But I need him.

I need his help so I do not say no, I let him do whatever he wants. I let him hurt me.

But I think of something else while he moves.

I think of Nick, how soon we will be together. Tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Nick.

* * *

The press was already at the courthouse. Reporters rushed to the ADA to ask about the trial. Leigh's lawyer refused to talk to any of them, not that he had much to say. Since she refused to plead guilty they had to do this, but she also refused to say anything at all so he couldn't help her.

He saw her the other day and could tell something was up with her. Her hair was ruffled, it has never been this messy before. Her eyes were jumpy, she kept on looking at different directions, as if she was looking for something. It was her last chance to say something. Her last chance to get help. She met his eyes and what he saw there scared him, he had no idea why.

* * *

Amanda walked up the stairs of the court house, she tried to find Nick, he was testifying today too. But Amanda couldn't see him.

"Rollins!" she heard someone call her and turned around, it was captain Fisher. She waited for him and he quickly walked over to her.

"Good luck today" he said "and…well, we should start working on those transfer papers"

"Really?" Amanda was a bit surprised he decided so fast, it meant she had to tell Benson.

"You're a good detective and that's what I'm looking for" they were about to walk into the building "it's gonna take a few weeks for everything to be sorted, but you got the job"

"Thank you" Amanda shook his hand.

* * *

Nick saw the commotion an the courthouse, he never liked the press to much. He saw the ADA stop to talk to them and a minute later spotted Amanda by the entrance, she was talking to a man, Nick thought he looked familiar. He noticed Benson was approaching and smiled at her.

"Hey" he said when she was standing next to him, he looked at Amanda, she shook the man's hand.

"Captain Fisher" Benson let him know "from homicide"

Nick nodded, thinking they know each other because of her friendship with Weller.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

"I would feel much better when I will be back working, I'm tired of being paid for doing nothing" he replied.

"Isn't that the dream?" she chuckled.

"This is not something you'd say" he gave her a concerned look "which makes me think wonder if there's something I should know about"

"We'll talk after it's over" she wanted to go inside.

"Wait Liv" he stopped her "just be honest, I'm so tired of this secret, am I coming back or not?"

Olivia looked at him without saying a word, he didn't need any other confirmation.

"So I'm not" he said it mostly to himself.

"I've been trying to talk to 1pp, tell them you're fine but…"

"I get it, fine" he didn't wait for her to walk with him, he couldn't see Amanda and figured she was already inside.

Nick had time till he had to take the stand and he couldn't be in the room until then. The ADA asked him to stay in another room while the others testified. He was glad he didn't have to see anyone. The news about the job didn't came as an entire shock, a part of him expected this. But still, he spent so many years working for the NYPD, he was a good police officer. He made mistakes, no doubt about it, but he was trying so hard.

His phone buzzed and Nick wanted to ignore it, but when he saw the caller ID he changed his mind.

"Munch, how are you?" he asked.

"Better than you, as I've heard" he explained that he was on vacation for the last weeks and only now heard about the whole ordeal.

"I'm fine, don't worry about it"

"Yeah? Heard you got some memory issues, you thought about hypnosis?"

Nick laughed, he hoped Munch was kidding "I'm gonna pass, I already have to go to a therapist…I guess not anymore because apparently I got fired"

"What are you talking about?" Munch was surprised to hear this.

Nick informed him about the short conversation he had with Benson earlier "so I guess I'm gonna be unemployed very soon"

"I'm sure things will work out, listen, I have to go, but we'll talk more, hang in there"

Easier said than done.

* * *

Amanda exchanged a few more words with Fisher when Adam showed up.

"I just shared the news with Rollins" Fisher let him know "now we have someone to take your place"

"That's great" he smiled at Amanda "I'm glad things worked out"

Fisher was about to say something when the ADA and a bailiff rushed towards him "what's going on?" he asked.

"We have a problem" she said "Leigh's not here"

"Not here?" Amanda and Adam asked simultaneously.

"She hasn't appeared yet, but we checked with the prison" the bailiff elaborated "they left a while ago, should have been here already"

Amanda listened as Fisher asked if her lawyer knew anything. It didn't matter. Leigh somehow escaped.


	21. Chapter 21

"How the hell did it happen?" Fisher was angry "did anybody call the guards?"

"We haven't been able to reach them" the bailiff informed.

Fisher started giving orders and took out his phone, this was his case and he was the one incharge.

"I have to go find Nick" she let them know, if Leigh escaped she must be after Nick, she told him she loved him. She was probably crazy enough to try something just so she could get to him. Amanda didn't wait for any of them to say anything and rushed to him.

* * *

Nick was still upset after his conversation with Munch. Was his career over just like that?

The door opened and for a second he thought it was his turn to testify, but it seemed too early for that. When he saw Amanda he smiled, but seeing her worried expression Nick knew something was going on.

"What happened?" he asked.

"We think she escaped" she didn't want to hide anything.

"What do you mean?" he walked over to her.

"I just found out, she's not here yet, the guards won't answer…"

"No!" he shouted "this can't be happening" one blow after another.

The door opened and Benson walked in "they just let me know, are you ok?"

"Just great" he replied sarcastically.

"Go home Nick, I'm gonna make sure there's someone there to protect you" Olivia took out her phone.

"I don't need any of that, I am capable of taking care of myself, save the department's resources for someone who still works for them" Amanda gave him a puzzled look "1pp are not letting me come back"

Amanda wanted to say something, but this wasn't the right time.

"Nick…" Olivia started but Amanda's phone buzzed and they both looked at her as she answered.

"Oh…" she said to whoever was on the other line "you sure? Yeah, he's here…ok…let me know"

"What is it?" Benson asked.

"They found the car" she let them know "they found the body of one of the guards, looks like he's been beaten to death"

"Nick, I'm not going to argue with you" Olivia gave him a stern look "someone will drive you home and you will stay there until she's found. I know you're mad, but that's no reason to put yourself in more danger, you have your children to think about"

Nick exchanged a quick look with Amanda, he also had her "fine" he nodded "let me know what's going on" he asked Amanda and she nodded.

Benson walked out of the door and before he followed her Amanda grabbed his hand for a second "it's gonna be fine" she promised, knowing this wasn't a promise she could make.

* * *

Once Nick and Olivia were gone Amanda rushed to Adam, he told her where they found the car and she looked at the dead body of the guard.

"This is more than a murder" Weller looked at her "this was done with so much rage"

The guard was barely recognizable, his face was bruised, the blood was mostly dry, his clothes were torn because of the beating and…

"His fly's open" Amanda noticed.

With all the commotion Weller didn't notice it, but Amanda was right "you think he tried something?"

"Maybe" she tried to find anything else, the coroner just arrived so they still couldn't touch the body "where's the other guard?"

"She's the one who called" he pointed an another woman who was wearing uniform, she was talking to another detective "says he asked her to get them a cup of coffee before the trial"

"So he wanted to stay alone with her" Amanda looked at Adam "but he must have taken off her handcuffs, so maybe he thought she'd comply"

"Probably" he shrugged "but if she's gone then she must be after Amaro"

"Benson took him home, she's gonna make sure there's a car parked there till we find her"

"Good, he's not gonna do anything stupid and try to find her himself, will he?" Adam gave her a serious look, officers weren't too thrilled to have round the clock protection, Nick was no exception.

"I hope not"

* * *

I look at the guard. Give him that look. We are on our way and I know that soon we will reach the court house.

He stops the car and asks the other guard for coffee.

"Come on, we got 'nough time, go get us two nice cups, I'm buying"

"Fine" she walks outside and he frees my hands and reaches for his zipper.

I pretend to do that too but I grab the truncheon, he did not think I would do that. But I did and I hit him with it once, twice. I cannot count all of them. I did not like the way he touched me so I keep on beating him. Again and again.

I think he is dead, but I want him to die even more.

I must ran now, I must go to Nick. He is waiting.

But I know they will wait for me. I must hide before I go to him.

* * *

A few hours later Nick was pacing in his living room. He asked Olivia to leave when the other officers arrived, he knew she wanted to help but right now he needed to be alone. As alone as he was allowed to be. They were parked outside and he was told not to go anywhere, he knew the drill. There was a vehicle by Gil's house and his mother was in Miami.

There was a knock on the door, pulling him from his thoughts. He walked to the door and was glad to see Amanda there, she was standing next to one of the officers who were assigned to protect him.

"Come on in" he told her.

"Everything alright?" the officer asked and Amanda nodded and shut the door behind her.

"I'm glad you're here" he said.

"I'm afraid I'm not bearing any news" she shrugged "I just wanted to check on you" if everything would have gone according to plan, at this time they both would have be done testifying, they could finally talk about things, or not talk, or not not talk.

Just not this.

"What's going on?" he wanted an update about the search for Leigh.

"The lawyer said she was acting stranger than usual yesterday, but that doesn't help us. We checked her apartment, the homicide detectives are trying to find anything else her family owned, maybe she's hiding there"

"They're letting you help?" he remembered they were out of the loop during the investigation of the murder.

"Yeah, they need all the help they can get, and you're one of us…"

"Not for long" he chuckled "I'm not coming back, I'm surprised Tucker wasn't the one who let her go so she could get to me, would have saved him a lot of trouble"

"Nick" Amanda's voice was reprimanding.

"I know" he looked at her "but this doesn't seem real, I feel like everything I've worked for is gone"

"I get it" she took a few steps towards him, forgetting there were officers outside, that there was a crazy woman after him. Amanda raised her hand and placed it on his chest. The motion caught Nick off guard and he wasn't sure what she was planning, she just stood there and looked at him.

"Amanda…" he started.

"Just try to breath, try to calm down. You know we're doing everything we can, I'm not gonna let her hurt you"

Nick placed his hand over hers and nodded "be careful, ok?"

"I will, you worry about me?" she asked with a tiny grin on her lips.

"I just want you safe"

"I will be" she promised, her hand still against his chest with his covering it.

"You shouldn't go home alone" he said suddenly, he realized Leigh had to know where Amanda lived.

"I won't" she assured him "Adam's gonna go there with me"

"Maybe you shouldn't stay there tonight"

"Maybe" Amanda nodded, she wanted to stay with Nick but that wouldn't look good "I'll figure something out"

"But promise you'll call me" he asked.

"You want to say goodnight?" she pulled her hand away.

"Don't mock me, I just need to know you're ok. She's dangerous and I know you can take care of yourself…" it was like he could tell what her next line would be "promise"

"Pinky swear" she raised her pinky and smiled.

"Thanks" his expression changed, he looked more serious now "I mean it, for everything"

"Still haven't caught her, but thanks for the vote of confidence" she was about to turn away when Nick caught her hand.

"You know I don't mean that, I mean thank you for being there, I trust you, you know I…"

"Thank you for saying that, but this sound too much like some kind of a deathbed confession, you will be fine, ok? When it's over you can tell me all about how great I am"

Nick chuckled but agreed.

"I have to go now" she said and he realized he was still holding her hand.

"I'll see you" he let her go.

"Bye"

* * *

Adam waited for Amanda at the station. They turned to the public's help and the tip line was ringing all the time. Unfortunately, even the calls that did sound genuine and not like a prank call, led them nowhere.

"Anything?" she asked him.

"No" he shook his head "I'm gonna take a break, want me to drive you home? I need to be back in an hour or so"

"I'm gonna come back too" she told him, but she had to go home, take care of Frannie.

"Give me a second, I'm just gonna let the captain know" while Adam was away Amanda looked around the room, thinking that soon she will sit here, this will probably be her desk. She had to tell Nick, he was telling her he could trust her, but she was keeping this from him.

"Ok" Adam returned and they walked to the parking lot "you talked to Amaro?"

"He's going a little crazy himself" she said and got into his car.

"I just hope he won't do anything stupid and try to find her" Adam said seriously "there's this rumor he's not returning"

Amanda's eyes widened "how do you know?"

"You know how rumors are" he shrugged.

"No I don't, who told you?" Nick would not like that.

"So it is true" he looked at her, she didn't say anything but that was all the confirmation he needed. Adam dropped the subject, right now it didn't matter.

He parked by her apartment and they walked upstairs. Unlike their coworkers, Adam knew that Leigh might show up at Amanda's place so he warned Amanda not to go there alone.

The apartment was quiet when Amanda opened the door "Frannie?" she called, but the dog didn't make a sound. Adam gave her a worried look and grabbed his gun.

"Frannie?" Amanda called louder.

This time she heard a bark and a moment later Frannie ran to her.

"You almost gave me a heart attack" she kneeled to pat the dog, for a moment she feared something happened to her.

"We still better check the place out" Adam said and Amanda stood up.

Frannie was ok so she wasn't too worried but she knew it was best not to take any chances. She carefully checked the small apartment. There was no one there and Amanda was relieved.

"You still shouldn't stay here" Adam said and was surprised when she laughed "what?"

"Nothing" she shook her head "you're right, I need to find to find somewhere else to stay"

"You can take my couch if you want" he offered "Frannie can sleep on the floor"

It's not like Amanda had another choice, she could ask Fin but he'd want to know why she couldn't stay at her place and what was she supposed to say? He was someone else she'd have to tell about the transfer.

Amanda packed a small bag for herself and took a few things for Frannie. She's visited Adam's apartment before, it was smaller than her place and it didn't have too many furniture, no pictures on the walls. He didn't own a TV, he had no dining table, he had only one chair. When he lost his house he lost almost everything inside it and had to move. She knew he didn't like it, but he had to pay for his mistakes, just like she had to pay for hers.

"Welcome" he let them inside. They drove there after Amanda took Frannie for a quick walk "I know you're used to fancy stuff" he looked at Frannie "but this will have to do for now"

"She's not spoiled" Amanda placed her things on the floor "we'll be back home soon"

Frannie walked around the new surroundings, sniffing things, she found a spot she liked and lay down.

"We can go back now" Amanda looked at Adam.

"I'm just gonna take a quick shower, I've been running around all day" he walked into the bedroom and Amanda took the opportunity to call Nick.

"Hey" he picked up straight away.

"Just called to say goodnight" she said quietly.

Nick smiled to himself "why are you whispering?"

"I'm at Adam's, you didn't want me to stay at my place, so I'm doing as I was told. I hope you have no plans of running away"

"No, they are making sure I'm here every twenty minutes so I can't get do that"

"Good" they remained silent for a few moments. There were so many things Amanda wanted to say but this was neither the right time nor the right place.

"You're still there?" he asked about a minute later, he could hear her breathing but needed to hear her voice.

"Yeah" she replied, but Adam said he'd be ready in a few minutes so she knew she had to go "just wanted to say goodnight"

"Goodnight" he replied.

Amanda hung up just when Adam walked into the tiny living room. He pretended not to know who she just talked to.

"Ready?" he asked and she nodded.

They returned to the station to find some of the detectives gone "we had a couple of calls" Fisher informed them "but nothing yet"

"If she's after Amaro we need to concentrate on his location" Amanda walked to the map that was hanged on the board, there were pins on it, marking the sightings made by the callers.

"Yeah, but even those came up empty, I sent detectives to interview some of the callers and nothing"

"Then we need to figure out where she'd go, she's not at her apartment, not at the park she took Nick to" the memory of Nick lying there came back but she pushed it away "what about birds?" she turned to the other men.

"Birds?" Fisher gave her a curious look.

"At her place there were many pictures of birds…maybe we should check it out"

"That's better than nothing" Fisher nodded "check bird watchers clubs, anything you can find, we'll start with those closer to Amaro's"

Turned out there weren't too many places that focused on bird watching. The detectives called each of them. The people who ran those clubs were surprised to get a call like that from the police but they were happy to help.

"Nothing" Adam let her know when he got a call from a detective that checked one of the places.

"Damn it" Amanda felt the frustration building up inside of her. Where could she go? She dialed again, she's been trying to get to the manager of a small museum that focused on birds.

"Hello?" he finally answered, sounding like the call woke him up.

"Mr. Davis?" she asked and his response sounded like a confirmation "this is detective Rollins from the NYPD, I have to ask you a few questions about your museum"

"Right now?" it sounded like he was sitting up.

"It is urgent, we are looking for a dangerous inmate who ran away from prison"

"And chose to hide in my museum?" he muttered.

"Maybe, her name's Leigh Henrie, maybe you saw her on the news"

"You said Henrie?" He sounded alert.

"I did" he recognized the name and Amanda hoped it was a good sign "you know her?"

"I have paintings of a Leonard Henrie…"

"That's her father" Amanda waved at Adam and he walked over to her "we are sending a car to pick you up and will meet you at the museum"

Amanda didn't give him a chance to say anything, she got up and took her jacket "let's go" she told Weller.

Weller called the officers who were closer to make sure they pick Davis up. He unlocked the door and gave them an update about the way the building was built. Fisher let them know back up was on their way and told them to be careful. They had no idea what to expect.

"We need to go in there" Amanda said "this is the perfect place for her to hide, her father's drawings are here, she probably feels like home"

"You're right, we'll wait for back up, I don't think she's gonna ran, this place will be surrounded in minutes"

A while seemed to last forever but Amanda didn't want to put them in more danger. But they were finally there, and they walked inside the building.

"We'll go to that room" Weller whispered to one of the men and followed Amanda to a different corridor. They carefully checked the room out, it freaked Amanda out a little, not that she had a problem with birds, but something felt wrong.

They heard a noise and turned around "it's her!" Adam shouted, Leigh ran out of the room "stop!"

Amanda ran after her, Adam right behind. They followed her to the entrance hall and she disappeared to another room.

"Damn it" Amanda mumbled and they ran, that woman was fast.

"Over here" Adam mouthed and pointed to where he thought she was.

Their guns were drawn and they carefully approached.

"Leigh, you're surrounded" Adam called "get out now and it will be much easier"

"It's over" Amanda said

The room was cluttered and they couldn't figure out where she was hiding. Amanda heard footsteps from the corridor, the others were about to get there.

"Your last chance" Amanda warned.

Something moved in the room and Adam and Amanda turned around.

"No" Leigh said. She had a gun and she shot.


	22. Chapter 22

My dad took me to the museum. He showed me the birds. Explained everything about them. He loved birds. More than he loved me.

It is close to Nick. He lives not far away. This is a sign. I will wait here. Stay by the birds until it is safe. It is hard for me to wait. I want to see him. I want to kiss him like I did before.

But I hear them. They are here, calling me.

It is her voice.

The woman Nick does not love. Saying it is over. But it is not over. He loves me. He is not hers. He is only mine. She has to go. I have to make her leave. She needs to be gone.

So I stand up and I shoot.

There is another shot. She shoots me.

I am the bird.

* * *

"ADAM!" Amanda saw him fall down on the floor. When Leigh fired Amanda shot so fast, it was like a reflex, but she couldn't prevent Adam's injury. He was on the floor. He was hit, blood pouring out of him.

"Amanda" Adam whispered when she was by his side, placed her hands on the wound, trying to stop the bleeding.

"You're gonna be ok" Amanda told him and raised her eyes, looking at the first detective who walked in, he called the bus and she pushed harder.

"Listen to me" his voice was shaky.

"Don't talk Adam" she tried to remain calm "help is on the way, save your strength"

"I need you…need you to tell them…" he was struggling "tell them I tried…"

" _You_ will do that, I will go with you, I promise, just hold on Adam, please" he wanted her to see his parents, tell them about his progress.

"Thank you" he whispered, closing his eyes "you're a good friend"

"So are you, but we still have time to fight and argue, ok? Hold on" she tried to hold back the tears.

"You will hold on, tell me you will…go to meetings"

"We'll go together" he couldn't die, he had to stay alive, to make it. The blood was warm, she touched his hand and it felt so cold "I need you to stay with me, I can't do this alone"

"You're not alone" he said, for a second his eyes were focused on hers "Nick…"

The paramedics ran into the room and had to push Amanda off of him. She looked at her hands, dirty with Adam's blood.

"Rollins" a woman pulled her up, it was another detective from Adam's squad, detective Carol Owens. Amanda stood up but didn't take her eyes off of the man on the floor. The paramedics exchanged a look and one of them turned to her and shook his head "I'm sorry"

The other one walked to Leigh and said she was dead too.

"No!" Amanda looked at him "he can't be dead, he can't be dead" she forgot about her bloody hands and touched her face "he can't be gone" her eyes filled with tears and Owens lead her outside.

"I'm sorry" Carol shook her head at another officer and he looked down.

Amanda tried to take deep breaths, this wasn't happening. Adam was her best friend. He was the one person who understood her. He helped her so many times, listened to her, was there for her. And he was gone. His blood was on her skin. She just wanted to bring him back to life, find a way to turn back time, she would have taken his place in a heart beat.

* * *

A loud thud on the door woke Nick up, he was surprised he even managed to fall asleep and rushed to the door, not knowing what to expect. The last hours have gone by with him trying to watch TV, read a book, he even played a game on his phone. Amanda didn't call, and he had no idea if it was a good or a bad sign.

"What's going on?" he asked the officer.

"They found her" the other man let him know "she's dead"

"She's dead?" so why wasn't the officer too relieved? If she was gone it was over, it had to be.

"There's another casualty" he told Nick "I don't know all the details…"

"Tell me where" he replied and Nick thanked him. He didn't even grab a jacket, just put on shoes, took his keys and got into his car. He needed to check on Amanda, he had to know she was alright, she would have called and give him the information herself. There was a casualty, it couldn't be Amanda.

* * *

There were a lot of police cars and an ambulance, no one noticed him as he walked into the scene. His searched for her, not caring about anything else. It seemed to be forever until he spotted her. She looked terrible, even though it was dark he could tell her hands were dirty, she was looking at them once in a while. He recognized the man who was standing next to her, he saw him at the court hours, captain Fisher.

He walked over to her, Amanda didn't see him, she turned to face the captain and the man told her he'll make sure someone will take her home and walked away to talk to one of the other detectives.

"Amanda" Nick called her name, she turned to him and he could see dry tears on her cheeks, he started running and closed the gap between them quickly "Amanda" he pulled her into a hug, not caring who was looking, not caring about her red hands, she was alive, she wasn't hurt and that was the most important thing.

She started crying again and he still didn't know what happened "it's ok" he whispered, not sure what to say, not sure if it was actually ok, but he needed to hold her.

"Nick, he's gone" she pulled away, looked at her hands again "Adam is…"

Amanda's feet failed her and she almost tumbled down but Nick caught her and helped her stand up.

"Rollins?" Fisher was back and he looked at Nick "Amaro, what are you doing here?"

Nick helped Amanda up "they told me what happened, I had to come here" his arm was wrapped around her, supporting her.

Fisher gave them a knowing look but didn't say anything "you have your car here?" Nick nodded "take her home"

Nick opened the door for her and she sat down "I don't want to touch anything" Amanda whispered, looking at the seatbelt and Nick noticed some blood was smeared on her face and hair.

"Don't worry about it Amanda, it doesn't matter" he said "I'll take you home"

"No, Frannie…she's at Adam's" her eyes filled with tears again.

"You want me to go get her?" she nodded and gave him the address, her voice was shaky, like she had trouble controlling it.

She was quiet while they drove, he kept on throwing her worried looks but she didn't seem to notice. When Nick pulled over she took out a key from her back pocket. Nick told her to stay inside, he'd go get her dog. He walked out of the car and glanced at her when he shut the door. She looked so broken, defeated. They've been through a lot, he's seen her at her worst but she'd never looked like this.

Nick rushed to the apartment and opened the door. Carefully waking up Frannie who barked at him but seemed happy to see his familiar face. He spotted a bag on the floor and figured it was Amanda's and took it with him, not sure if Amanda would want to return to this place anytime soon.

"Come on girl" he patted the dog and walked back to the car. He let Frannie into the backseat. Amanda looked at the dog but didn't touch her.

"I'm gonna drive you home now" Nick said but she didn't react "Amanda?" he softly touched her shoulder.

"Yes, no" she shook her head "I...yes, take me home"

Nick drove off and walked up with her. He was so worried about her and needed to make sure she gets to her place in one piece. Amanda opened the door and Frannie rushed to the familiar room.

"You need anything?" Nick wasn't sure what to say, he placed the bag by the door.

Amanda shook her head but Nick didn't want to leave. Adam and Amanda's friendship was probably something he couldn't completely understand, but she loved him. Not in a way that would make him jealous, but it a very true way nonetheless. And now he was gone. He couldn't leave her there by herself.

"Do you want me to stay?" he asked, touching her arm, slowly caressing it "I will stay if you need me to"

"Please" she looked into his eyes and gave him the slightest nod "I need to take a shower" she looked at her hands.

"I'll wait here, ok?"

"No" she shook her head and grabbed his shirt, not wanting to dirty his skin. Nick followed her to the bedroom.

He sat down in a chair that was in the corner and watched her, she looked a bit lost as she carefully opened a few drawers.

A moment later she left the bedroom and walked to the bathroom, carrying clean clothes.

Nick knew he's been there before but couldn't remember. How much time have they spent here? How many nights has he slept over?

Amanda emerged from the shower a while later, Nick looked at her standing there, hair wet, her skin wasn't dirty anymore. She smelled so good.

"Do you mind?" she asked him and looked at the bed, she didn't wait for him to talk and got under the covers. Like he was under some kind of a spell Nick took off his shoes and followed her into the bed. She turned her back to him and Nick wasn't sure what to do, but he could read her body language, there was pain in the way she was lying there. All Nick wanted to do was to hold her, he could feel like that is what she needed. He turned to her and wrapped his arms around Amanda's body, she moved closer and he tightened his grip "it's ok" he whispered when she started crying again. They didn't say anything else, just lay there until sleep took over, allowing them to get some rest.


	23. Chapter 23

_Thank you for your reviews, I appreciate everyone who took the time to leave a few words._

 _This story's almost over. I'm a bit upset about it. Leigh's dead so the story is kinda complete. A part of me wants to keep going but I don't want to drag this too long (but you convinced me and I have started working on a new fic, so I'm not "retiring" yet)._

 _And I threw a little bone here for everyone who loved Cold Case : )_

 _Enjoy_

* * *

When Nick opened his eyes Amanda was gone. It surprised him that her leaving the bed didn't wake him up, he was a pretty light sleeper. He got out of the bed and walked into the living room. Amanda was there, playing with Frannie.

"Good morning" he said.

"Hey" Amanda looked at him "I had to take Frannie for a walk, didn't want to wake you up"

"That's alright" he smiled and remained silent for another minute "do you maybe have an extra toothbrush?" he wouldn't have asked, but felt very self-conscious of his breath.

"Eh…" Amanda almost forgot he didn't remember this "you've got one in the bathroom, the green one" her cheeks got a tad red.

Nick nodded and walked to the bathroom to brush his teeth and clean up a bit. He hated the awkwardness of things between them. Looking at himself in the mirror he wanted everything to return, he wanted the man who was staring back at him be the one he saw in the video, the one who was happy. The man who would know the right thing to tell her, how to hold her.

"You want something to eat?" he heard Amanda's voice "I'm making toast"

"Sure" he replied and stepped out of the bathroom a couple of minutes later.

She handed him a plate with two pieces of toast and he smiled at her "how are you feeling?" he placed the plate on the counter.

Amanda shrugged, not wanting to talk. Fisher already called, told her he wanted to see her so she figured she'd have to talk about it with him, later was better than sooner.

"Thanks for staying" she blushed a little again, it felt so natural for her to wake up next to him that there was a second, when she opened her eyes and felt his strong arms around her, she forgot about everything, wanted to wake him up with a kiss.

"Don't worry about it" he grabbed some of the bread, he was hungry and even this unappetizing dish seemed good "I want you to know that I'm here, if you need me, whatever it is, if you want to me go anywhere with you, anything, ok?"

"Maybe later, I'll call you" she said.

Call…Nick realized he left his phone at his place "I'm gonna have to get back to home, you have to go to work today?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna leave soon"

"Need a ride?"

Amanda shook her head "I must have…I should help you clean your car"

"Don't even think about it" Nick knew she was talking about the blood, he didn't know if there was any in his car but it didn't matter one bit "and call me, please"

She nodded and took a deep breath, there was something she had to tell him and there was no use delaying it "I'm leaving SVU" she said and Nick gave her a puzzled look "I'm transferring to homicide"

"What?"

"I'm transferring to homicide"

He heard her the first time "wh…" he wasn't even sure what to ask.

"Things were just tough and Adam…" she turned away, afraid she'd start crying again.

"Amanda?"

"I'm fine Nick" she wasn't very convincing.

* * *

The atmosphere in the squad room was so somber Amanda felt like she stepped into a different place. She exchanged a few glances with some of the detectives but neither said anything to her.

"Come on in" Fisher said when he saw her "close the door"

Amanda complied and sat down.

"There are a few things I need to say first" their eyes met "there are some things that are none of my business, a personal life is important and I won't ask you about it, because as long as it doesn't affect your work – it doesn't matter. I need to know if your request to transfer over here has anything to do with you personal life" he was talking about last night, he saw her with Nick and figure it out, Amanda knew that. She nodded, not wanting to hide anything.

"Ok, this is for you" he handed her an envelope "the transfer papers. You need to give them to Benson to sign, once that's done you will have to stay there for a few days before you move"

"Thank you" she wasn't sure what to say, he wanted her to move even though he knew she broke the rules.

"Adam…" Fisher started "he was a good guy, I don't have to tell you that"

"He asked me to talk to his parents" she said "he hasn't spoken to them for a long time and he wanted them to know he was trying to make amends"

"I'll give you their contact information, I already talked to them. They don't live in New York so I had to call"

"Where do they want him to be buried?" she asked.

"They said he can be buried here" Fisher replied.

"Will they get here?" she knew Adam wanted his parent's acceptance, forgiveness.

"They didn't say, I don't know"

"I hope they show up" she looked at the envelope "I know he appreciated everything you did for him"

"I'm sorry" Fisher stood up "you two were close"

Amanda nodded and stood up.

"We'll be in touch Rollins"

* * *

Nick returned home and checked his phone, there were many missed calls but he didn't feel like calling anyone back. He kept on thinking about Amanda, how shattered she was. How warm her body was when he held her. It was just like Amanda to act as if she was fine this morning. Almost like nothing had happened the previous night. But Nick wanted to console her, he would happily hold her like that for hours, days, as long as she'd want him to.

He wanted to call but didn't want to push her, she promised to keep in touch, all he could do was wait.

Leigh was dead. She won't come after him again. There will be no trial.

It was over.

Now he had to deal with the fact he was let go. Benson left him a few messages and he knew he'd have to call her back at some point. But he decided to wait with that. He called Zara, talked to her for a while, listened to her stories. He missed her but at least she was happy. He talked to his mother too, told her everything was alright.

* * *

"Can we have a word?" Amanda knocked on Benson's door. Fin gave her a questioning look, a lot of people did, they all knew what happened last night.

"Sure, come on in" Benson said "how are you doing?"

"I'm alright" it wasn't a lie, just half of the truth "I need to tell you something" she was holding the envelope in her hand.

"Ok" Benson had a few questions too, but it seemed like Amanda had to speak first.

Standing in this office Amanda wasn't sure how to say it, but there was no use not to say anything "I didn't know Nick wasn't coming back" she started, as if that was an excuse "and I thought about transferring, to homicide and…" she raised the envelope.

"You want to transfer to homicide?" Olivia had no idea she even thought about it.

"I don't know what to say, I just feel like it's time for a change and the opportunity came…I know it's not the right time but" she looked at the other woman.

"It isn't" Olivia took the envelope away "but I guess I don't have a choice"

* * *

With Nick having to deal with leaving the police force and Amanda transferring to homicide they barely had time to talk. Once the ordeal with Leigh was over it seemed like they couldn't wait to prepare the retirement papers. Nick held the pen and felt like with this signature a huge part of his life was ending. A new one was supposed to begin, but he didn't look forward to it. He signed his name and left the building, trying not to look back

He tried to call a few times but even when she answered the conversation was short. It worried him. He wanted to talk to her. He tried again, getting her voicemail. He hated that voice, he needed to hear Amanda's, hear her say 'I'm fine' or better yet 'come over'. But she wasn't answering, he's been trying for a while so he ended up deciding to go to her place and see if she was home, that way she'll have to talk to him.

Nick knocked a few times but there was no answer, he could hear Frannie barking from the other side of the door and wondered if Amanda was avoiding him, but why would she?

"Nick?" she appeared behind him, she must have just came back home "what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you, you didn't answer so I thought I'd come by"

"Oh" she unlocked the door and let him inside "I'm sorry, I've been busy"

"I know" he smiled "how are you doing?"

Amanda shrugged. She's been having a hard time and she did want to talk to Nick, but she was worried she scared him the day Adam died, he said it was ok, but how could it be when he wanted to take things slow and she asked him to sleep in her bed, while she was in there. And he had his troubles too.

"How are _you_ doing?" she knew he signed all the papers and was officially out of the NYPD.

"I was hoping to retire at forty only if I sold a startup company or something" he tried to joke about it "hoped to be rich, but that's not how it turned out"

"I'm sorry about it, that wasn't fair to you" she said "what are you going to do now?"

"I don't know yet" he wanted to talk about her "how are you?"

"The funeral's in two days, I'm going to see his parents in Philadelphia tomorrow, talk to them"

"Can I go with you?" he asked, not wanting her to do this alone.

"You want to go with me?" it seemed like the idea surprised her.

"Yes" he replied "when I said that I want to be there for you I meant it. If you need me to go anywhere with you, take you to a meeting…"

"I'm just coming back from one, I promised him I won't stop going"

"I'm glad" he smiled "but let me go with you to Philly"

"I'd like that" Amanda said.

"Yeah?" Nick wasn't sure she'd say yes so easily so he had to make sure.

"I would"

* * *

"I brought food" he showed her a paper bag with sandwiches.

"You are so organized" she grinned.

"That I am" he patted Frannie and held the door open for Amanda.

They were silent for a few minutes when Nick spoke up "so how's homicide?"

"I haven't been there for that long, but it's alright"

"How long have you known about the transfer?" he asked.

"For a while I guess, I got the confirmation the day…" she didn't have to say the word, Nick remembered seeing her with Fisher that day.

"I didn't know you weren't happy at SVU"

"It's not exactly that…"

"So what happened?" he waited for her to answer but she didn't, he looked at her but she kept her eyes on the road, almost avoiding him "Amanda? Does it have anything to do with me?" Her lack of response led him to believe he was correct and it made him feel guilty "I'm sorry, you didn't have to do that"

"It's not like that" she finally glanced at him "or maybe it is. Adam was offered another job and I thought a change would do me good…"

"Amanda…"

"It's fine Nick, I had to do it for me" she said quietly and it seemed like she wanted to add something so Nick looked at her, waiting "I just couldn't handle it, when I saw you there, I thought I lost you, and in a way I did…"

"Ama…" Nick wanted to say that he was there, but that's not what she meant.

"We said we'd try again, but it's not that easy…"

"I understand Amanda, I wish I could remember, that things were different"

Amanda knew this wasn't a conversation they should be having in the car, but she couldn't pull over and maybe she couldn't really talk about it anymore.

"I know" she said "I know, it just been a hard time for me too, with you and now Adam I…"

She looked away for a second, trying not to cry. Nick got the hint, she didn't want to talk. They spent the rest of the drive in silence.

* * *

"You want me to go inside with you?" Nick asked when Amanda parked the car by Adam's parent's house.

"No" she looked at him "I have to do it alone"

"Alright, I'll wait for you" he touched her shoulder, needing to show her that he was there, not gone.

Amanda stepped out of the car and walked over to the house, Nick watched as she knocked on the door and just a few seconds later the door opened.

* * *

"Yes?" Adam's mother opened the door.

"I'm Amanda Rollins, I knew your son, Adam"

"He owes you money?" the woman asked.

"No, not at all" Amanda shook her head "I'm a detective, we worked together, were friends"

"I already know he's gone" Adam's mother let Amanda inside.

"I came here to talk to you and your husband, if that's alright"

The woman asked Amanda to take a seat on the couch in the living room and walked away to call her husband.

Amanda looked around, she saw two photos of his younger sister, but none of Adam's or of the whole family.

"Can I help you?" the man walked in first, followed by his wife.

"Hello Mr. Weller" Amanda got up and shook his hand "I'm detective Amanda Rollins, I knew your son and wanted to have a word with you"

"A lot of people knew Adam" they all sat down.

"I know you've been through a hard time with him, I know all about the gambling" she started.

"You said he didn't owe you anything" the mother said "and if he did we can't pay you back"

"He didn't own me money, he didn't owe me anything. I am here to tell you that your son was trying hard to get on the right path, he was going to GA meetings, saving money to pay you back"

"If this is what you wanted to say…" she stood up, looking away from Amanda "I appreciate you coming here, telling us about him, but…"

"Adam asked us to forgive him once" his father said "and he abused that forgiveness. Don't think we're happy about his death, but we said goodbye to our son a long time ago"

* * *

Nick waited for a long time. He stared at the house, wondering what she was telling them. He hoped they'd listen to her, Nick knew how important it was for Amanda, she told him that's what Adam asked before he died. That must have been terrible for her, to watch a friend bleed to death, saying goodbye to him.

Finally he saw her coming out of the house, she looked troubled.

"How did it go?" he stepped out of the car when she was close

"They won't come to the funeral" she sat down at the driver's seat and leaned back, not touching the steering wheel.

"I'm sorry" Nick knew the words were useless, it was Adam's dying wish, and he wasn't going to get it.

Amanda just sat there, staring at her hands and Nick could tell she was seeing the blood again.

"How about we grab something to eat?" he offered, trying to distract her "I've been to Philly before, I know a few places"

Amanda got out of the car so he could drive. She was still quiet and the silence was painful. Her disappointment hurt him.

Nick parked the car and she followed him to a small deli.

"Best Philly Cheesesteak you've ever had" he whispered when they walked inside.

"Didn't know you're an expert" Amanda said and he was glad she gave him a sarcastic response.

"I like Philly, feels like I lived here in another life" they walked to the counter and waited for their turn.

"Another life, ha? You believe in that?" she sounded a little hopeful.

Nick shrugged and ordered them two sandwiches. They sat at a corner table and she looked at the street as Nick went back to get their food.

"Thanks for coming here with me" she said before taking a bite.

"I'm glad you wanted me to, I know it's hard for you, with everything. I'm here for you" she gave him a slight smile and they ate. Nick was right, it was tasty and messy, eliciting a few laughs from both of them.

"My fingers are so sticky" she said, instinctively licking the sauce from her index and middle fingers.

"That's how you know it's good" he grinned "when you have to eat it with no manners"

"Look who's talking, you have some on your chin" she gestured at him, wanting to touch his face. But she stopped herself and just stared at him as he used a napkin to clean himself up.

"You wanna head back?" he looked at his watch, she mentioned not having to work today because of this trip and tomorrow on account of the funeral, but maybe she wanted to return to NY.

Amanda shook her head, she wasn't really sure what she wanted to do. Being here with Nick was such a distraction from everything, maybe they could stay there forever, sit at this slightly dirty table and eat Cheesesteaks until they literally won't be able to move.

"I can take you to the Philadelphia Museum of Art, we can run up the steps" he offered with a smile.

Amanda rolled her eyes at him.

"What? You like running" he leaned closer "and it's a good movie"

"Yeah" her eyes focused on the table, remembering a night they watched it together, she wanted to be back at that moment, when he had his arm wrapped around her and she threw popcorn on him when he said something. Amanda couldn't remember the words, what he said that made her do it. But she remembered how warm she felt sitting next to him.

"Amanda?" Nick could tell she was lost in thoughts.

"Yeah?" she looked at him "let's go"

They walked out and Amanda took a deep breath. It was time to go back to reality and she knew that.

"I'm gonna show up tomorrow" Nick let her know when she pulled over by his place, she knew he was talking about the funeral.

"I'm gonna catch a ride with Owens, we're gonna be there early"

"I'll see you then" he opened the door and gave her a quick smile.

"Nick" she called before he got out and he turned to her "thank you"

* * *

The next day Nick put on a suit, it's been a while since he had to wear one and it felt a bit surreal. He was going to the funeral of a fellow officer and he felt like he should put on his uniform. But even though he was technically retired, Nick felt like he wasn't a part of that anymore, so a black suit was the right choice.

He saw her standing next to Fisher. Nick could tell she was trying hard to keep it together. Even yesterday, in Philly, there were moments she seemed lost and he couldn't tell what she was thinking about, but he could tell she didn't want to be asked. Nick wanted to make sure she was fine, close to it at least. But there was always someone next to her, talking to her and Nick didn't get the chance.

Nick gave her a quick wave when she looked at his direction and he stayed there, hoping she'd come to him. When she was finally alone he seized the opportunity and walked over to her instead.

"Hey" he decided not to ask how she was doing "you want to leave soon?" it seemed like most of the people were gone.

"In a sec" she nodded "I'm gonna head home, mind giving me a ride?"

"I'd love to" he smiled sympathetically.

"Thanks"

Amanda stayed planted at her spot for a few minutes, she looked around and Nick knew she, again, was looking for Adam's parents, but they didn't show up. She let out a puff of air and they walked away.

* * *

When Amanda got out of his car Nick didn't say anything, he just followed her upstairs. Not wanting her to be alone, he knew that was what she was feeling.

"Thanks Nick" she said when they were inside the apartment. She took off her shoes, unbuttoned the shirt and threw it on the couch, she had a plain white shirt underneath the uniform. Amanda walked to the bedroom and Nick followed her, not wanting to leave her alone for a single moment.

His gaze was focused on her, she let her hair down and turned to look at him.

"Amanda" he whispered, looking into her eyes, seeing her sorrow "what do you need me to do?"

She took a few steps towards him, not taking her eyes off of his "touch me" the plea was made with almost no sound, he wasn't even sure he heard her. But it was written all over her face. It was a need, just like the need to breath, the need to eat and drink.

Nick wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, he looked at her and tried not to think about it, not to think about what was the right thing, what he was meant to do. Just what he wanted to do.


	24. Chapter 24

_Smut warning for this chapter and a warning for the next chapter – it will be the epilogue._

 _And I like the idea of a cold case-Rollaro crossover, what about a fic where Nick finds_

 _out he has a twin brother… the wheels are spinning…_

* * *

"Touch me"

Her words seemed to make everything in Nick's mind disappear, everything was gone. The entire world seized to exist. It was Amanda and it was him, standing, or floating somewhere. And now that everything else, every fear, every worry, every question had left him, he could really see her.

He could see her like never before. She existed while nothing else did. And all he wanted to do was kiss her.

Nick closed the gap between them and caressed her cheek softly.

He didn't want to take his hand off, her skin felt so soft and he wanted to feel more of it. He leaned to her and his lips grazed hers for just one second.

"Don't let go" her voice wasn't even a whisper.

Nick kissed her again, allowed his lips to stay connected to hers longer this time as if to show that he wasn't letting go. He wrapped his arms around her, feeling her need for closeness. His hands slowly moved up and down her back as the kiss got a bit heated.

Her hands moved to his chest and she took off his jacket, pulling away for a moment to look at him again. She wasn't sure what she expected to see, she'd be fine with anything except for reluctance. Nick gave her a slight smile and kissed her again.

Amanda's fingers started working on his buttons, slowly freeing each one of them until the shirt was loose and she pushed it off of his shoulders and arms.

Once the shirt was on the floor her hands moved to his belt, and she easily unbuckled it.

"Nick" she whispered when they broke off the kiss to breath, she gave him her questioning look, she didn't want this to stop, but she also needed to know he really wanted this, she almost didn't care why, just wanted him to want her.

"It's ok" he nodded and touched her cheek again, she felt so good "I'm not letting you go"

She kissed him again, this time with more passion, and pressed her body to his. Her hands unzipped his pants and he took them off, along with his shoes and socks. Amanda took her pants off at the same time and got on top of the bed. Nick followed her and caught her mouth with his.

Her hands sneaked below his undershirt, caressing his muscular chest. She pulled it off him and her eyes ran up and down his body. It's been a while since he's been in her bed like this and it almost felt unreal, but it was, he was there, his hands on her body, his lips on hers.

Nick had to take her shirt off, he felt something he couldn't define, it was desire, it was lust for her but it was also something more, there was no language that was able to describe this feeling and he just allowed himself to feel, not to think.

He grabbed the fabric and she raised her hands to help him with the task. When the shirt hit the floor Nick reached behind her back, unclasping the bra, throwing it away too. He looked at her, almost studying her skin, he saw the scar on her shoulder from the bullet that hit her years ago, a tiny scratch above the bellybutton, but her skin seemed perfect to him, the small flaws just made it so much more flawless. He carefully pushed her down on the bed, kissing her mouth softly, wanting to taste more of her.

But Nick took his time, lying on top of her, their mouths connected, tongues lost in some kind of dance. Their fingers entwined and they kept on kissing like air was something that neither needed.

Nick raised his head so he could see her, lying there, her hair spread on the white pillow. He could feel her chest against his, her skin, her breasts. Amanda raised her head to kiss him one more time, needing his mouth on hers. He got lost in the kiss again, in her. But he had to have more.

Nick forced himself to pull away from her mouth to be able to touch and kiss every other part of her. He gave her another quick kiss before starting his descent down her body, it seemed to him like he won't be able to see enough of her, taste enough of her, feel enough of her. His lips moved to her neck, focusing on the spot the neck met the right shoulder. Amanda moaned and he could tell she liked it so he kept going for a while, kissing, nibbling, sucking on the soft skin gently. But he wanted more of her so his lips traveled to her collarbone for a couple of seconds. He then moved even lower, capturing her left nipple between his lips. He used his fingers to tease the other one and loved the way she sighed when he did that, the way her body stirred underneath him.

Nick let go of her and moved back to her face, he needed to kiss her, make sure she was aright. He loved seeing her slightly rosy cheeks, the passion in her eyes.

She met his lips half way and they kissed passionately for a few moments, but the need for her was getting stronger so Nick pulled away again, his lips connecting with her skin, just above the small scratch he saw. He raised his eyes and saw her looking at him, there was so much anticipation in them. He wasn't going to let her down.

He touched the hem of her underwear and felt her body tense a little, he looked at her, wanting to make sure she was fine, that they weren't going too far.

"Don't stop" she whispered "please"

Nick smiled at her and kissed her thighs, he knew he was teasing her but thought he'd keep going a little while longer. From her left thigh he moved even lower, his lips stayed on her skin the entire time, to her knee, to her calf, and back, moving to the other leg. His fingers were under the cotton, he started pulling the underwear down, feeling her getting more excited, he couldn't hide his.

Soon the fabric was on the floor, together with the other pieces of clothing. He still had his boxers on, but he'd wait. Nick wanted to focus on her.

The memories may have been gone from his mind but it seemed like his body remembered, like it knew what to do, how to pleasure her and that's what he wanted. He smiled at her before allowing his fingers to put some pressure on her clit, hearing her moan again. His touch was gentle at first, light. But he could feel she was ready for more and without warning slid two fingers inside her moist ﬂesh. Amanda gasped and called his name.

He enjoyed the way it sounded, her voice was raw, full of need, for him.

He carefully removed the fingers and plunged them in her again, eliciting the same reaction.

"Oh Nick" she cried, arching her back.

He lowered his mouth to her clit and while his fingers were still inside her he teased it with his teeth and tongue. She was breathing unevenly, her fingers were in his hair, pulling on it and pushing him into her.

Nick kept going, feeling her around his fingers, moving them a bit to bring her even closer to the brink. With his face buried between her thighs it was a bit harder for him to breath, but it didn't matter one bit.

She cursed as his movements got more rapid and he could tell she was about to fall off the edge. He glanced at her face, her eyelids closed, her lips slightly parted. The image distracted Nick for a second and she opened her eyes and caught him staring. He didn't take his eyes off of hers and kept on thrusting his fingers into her body, caressing the spot that made her pant. She could tell he liked looking at her and fought to keep her eyes open, but it was a battle she was about to lose, the pleasure took over her completely and Amanda rested her head back on the pillow and shut her eyes as the orgasm washed all over her.

Nick slowed down as he watched her. She was so beautiful, lying there, trying to catch her breath, letting a few sighs escape her lips. He finally removed his fingers completely and kissed her abdomen, her bellybutton, the scratch, moving up to her neck and cheeks. She was still breathing hard and he didn't want to block her airways.

Once she was breathing evenly Amanda kissed him and pulled him up so he was sitting at the edge of the bed. She smiled at him and moved so he was sitting under her, between her spread knees. She touched his cheek and he caught her hand, pressed it to his lips and spread light kisses all over it. He kissed her index finger and slowly put it in his mouth, sucking on it a little. Amanda giggled, enjoying the sensation. But she wanted him inside her and he still had his boxers on.

He let her hand go and Amanda tried to pull his boxers down. Nick had to help her out and soon he was completely naked on her bed.

She kissed him again, their tongues meeting instantly. Amanda pulled her head back and looked at him as she reached for his erection, stroking it and lowering herself onto him.

They both gasped when he was completely inside of her and Nick wasn't sure he'd be able to last, this was too much. Amanda started moving her body up and down. The movement was slow, delectable. They both wanted more but neither wanted it to end. She kissed Nick's neck, his lips. She tried hard not to say it, not to tell him she loved him, but that was the only thing on her mind in that moment. She buried her face in the crook of his neck.

"Amanda" he called, he was so close and wanted to see her, wanted them to come together.

She slowed down and met his eyes, staring into them as she allowed him to control the rhythm.

He was never going to let her go, he thought as he thrust deeper into her. They kept on going, the pace was no longer mellow, they both wanted to reach their release. Nick thrust into her one more time and they climaxed together, falling down on the bed.

* * *

She was lying on top of him, listening to his heart beating. The room was quiet, neither felt a need for words. Amanda felt content, like at that moment things were alright. Nick's hand was caressing her back softly and she closed her eyes, feeling tired all of the sudden and a few minutes later Nick realized she was asleep.

* * *

When Amanda woke up Nick was still there, his naked body under hers, she raised her head and noticed he was looking at her.

"Hey" he smiled.

"What time is it?" she asked but he shrugged.

"I don't know, you don't have a clock here" he smiled again "but you haven't slept for long"

"Mmmm" she rested her head back on his chest, his fingers were on her skin again.

"I…didn't mean to push you into this" she said quietly "because I was upset…"

Nick was a little surprised by her words "you think that's why this happened?"

Amanda didn't react.

"Hey" he touched her forehead, wanting her to look at him "it wasn't like that, ok?" he said when their eyes met.

She smiled and moved up to kiss his lips.

"Was it always so…incredible?" he couldn't resist asking.

"No, you're usually kinda bad" she mocked.

"Yeah?" he sounded a bit insulted but Amanda shook her head.

"Will you stay a while longer?" she glanced at the window and noticed it was dark outside. She couldn't even remember when they returned to her place.

"Don't think you'll be able to get rid of me" he replied, giving her a serious look, he wasn't going anywhere.

"I don't want to get rid of you" she grinned and kissed him again, feeling both his hands traveling down her body Amanda smiled into the kiss and allowed him to turn them so she was on her back.

She spread her legs for him, wanting to feel him inside of her again, as he entered her he kept his gaze focused on hers and Amanda could see everything she needed in his eyes.


	25. Chapter 25

_This is the epilogue, just tying loose ends and saying goodbye to this fic._

 _I started it so long ago, planned only about 10 chapters. But, stories have their own minds and this one was stubborn. I can almost write a "deleted scenes" fic just for this story. When I was back to writing it I was afraid it won't be fun because it's been a long time and I've been through things, but, I enjoyed it so much that I kept on adding more and changing more things. I'm a bit sad it's over, but I don't want to ruin it by adding too much. This was about Leigh (who I kinda like even though she's insane) and she's dead and there won't be a miraculous resurrection. And anyway, when I finish a story I always think about the future, what will happen next in this universe._

 _Sorry for the sappiness!_

 _Thanks so much to all of you who read and reviewed this. It means a lot._

* * *

Nick was sitting at the coffee shop, he ordered a pastry and waited. They were supposed to meet more than fifteen minutes ago but he didn't even call to let him know he'd be late. Not that Nick had anything else to do at this hour.

He didn't like being retired, he missed working, missed having somewhere to be. Everyone around him seemed to be busy during the day and he spent the time doing almost nothing.

"Nick" the other man finally showed up "sorry I'm a little late"

"That's ok Munch" he gave him a quick hug "it's great to see you"

"So how's retirement?" he sat down in front of Nick.

"Pretty much sucks" he confessed.

"You're not enjoying yourself? Not doing arts and crafts?" Munch gave him a questioning look.

"I have started knitting, I even brought you a scarf" Nick chuckled.

"Just what I need to complete my look" Munch smiled "seriously, how are you doing?"

"I hate it, I need to work and I hate how things turned out" he confessed, not that it was much of a secret "I have more time for myself, but sometimes it's too much time, other people have things to do" he chuckled.

"Who are these other people?" Munch looked curios and Nick wondered if he was just messing with him, he probably knew already.

"Other people as in everyone else…" he didn't give Munch the answer he was looking for.

"I see" Munch nodded.

"You know that Amanda and I…" Nick let it out but couldn't finish the sentence because Munch interrupted him.

"You and Amanda?" his eyes widened "no way!"

"You didn't know?" it was Nick's turn to be surprised, he was certain everyone already heard about it "we're seeing each other"

"I had a feeling, I was a bit afraid that one of your heated arguments will be resolved in the bunk room" he winked.

"That never happened" at least he hoped not, maybe he should ask her.

"I even had a nickname for you two, like Brangelina…"

"Who?"

"Don't act like you don't know who they are" a waitress came by and Munch ordered himself a cup of coffee "anyway, I had a name for you and Amanda"

"And what would that be?" Nick asked with a smirk.

"Rollaro" he shrugged "it's Rollins and Amaro combined"

Nick chuckled "so I'm guessing you're not here to tell me about your abuse of the English language"

"No, I was just checking on a friend" he said "I'm kinda glad you're not liking retirement"

"I thought you liked me, now you're saying you want me to suffer?"

The waitress came back with the coffee and Munch smiled at her and took a sip "I actually wanted to ask you to come work with me"

"Are you serious?"

"We're looking for a new investigator at the ADA's office and I know a guy…"

"Munch, that's amazing, I don't know what to say" Nick was so grateful to his former, and hopefully future, coworker.

"If you want it you should say yes"

"YES" Nick smiled "I don't know how to thank you"

"By doing a good job and giving me a piece of that cake" Munch reached for the pastry and Nick happily allowed him to take it "now you're gonna have a pension and a paycheck, just like me. Except for the part where I kept the first dollar I made…that's right, I know you think so"

Nick looked away, he said that so long ago.

"Listen Nick, I know you're a good detective, you made some mistakes but I believe you learned from them, and I think you deserve this opportunity. There are still a few hurdles to jump through, but I gave you a glowing recommendation"

"Munch, I could kiss you right now" Nick said.

"I don't know if Amanda would like that" Munch leaned back in his seat "but if you would kiss me, I think our name nickname would be…Muncharo"

* * *

Nick wasn't sure if he could be even more grateful for Munch, he was there for him so many times. It took a few weeks but true to his word Munch helped him get the job.

Finally Nick felt like things were working out for him. He loved working, and the DA's office ended up being a good fit for him. And things with Amanda…

After that night they'd spent together they had a serious conversation. The memory issue was always going to be there, they hoped that someday he will remember, but there was a chance it won't happen. They couldn't let that keep them apart, so they decided to do their best to leave it behind them, not to ignore the situation, but to accept it and move forward. They were sitting on her couch, not sure if they had to shake hands on it but ended up sealing it with a kiss.

Once that wasn't a cause for stress and work restrictions didn't keep them apart, it was almost simple. Spending time together, laughing, talking. Everything was easy between them.

"How about we take a little vacation?" he asked Amanda, they were at his place, having dinner.

"What?"

"You know what a vacation is, right?" he ran his hand down her back.

"Very funny" she gave him a mean look.

"I'm serious, I'm sure we both can spare a few days off and go somewhere" ever since she moved to homicide there was a change in Amanda. Not that the cases she worked on weren't gruesome, not that it was easier than SVU but it was somehow easier on her. Nick couldn't pinpoint why, but he was glad she was happier.

"What do you have in mind?" she gave him a questioning look.

"I don't know, get away for a while, be together…"

"I like the sound of that" Amanda got up from her seat and walked over to him so she could sit in his lap "tell me more" she wrapped her arms around him and was glad they were out of garlic and onions.

"Emmm…" Nick was about to talk when Amanda kissed his neck.

"I'm listening" she mumbled against his skin and continued nibbling on a sensitive spot.

"Well" he took a breath, trying to gather his thoughts "we could…" she was way too distracting and there was no way he could plan anything right now.

Nick held on to her and without warning stood up, holding her close to him "you're ruining dinner" he said as he carried her to the bedroom.

* * *

It was a beautiful day. The weather was perfect, the sunbeams were dancing across the ocean and Nick was by her side, his hand resting on her stomach as they were lying under the big parasol. Her fingers were playing with the warm sand.

They used a few vacation days to rent a small beach house. And were using the time very well, doing almost nothing.

Amanda's eyes were hidden behind the sunglasses but Nick could tell they were closed. It was the perfect time for him to watch her, when she couldn't distract him. He let his eyes travel over every inch of her skin, he could tell how every part of her felt, tasted, how she'd react when he'd touch or kiss it.

He tickled her stomach a little and she turned her head to him, smiling. She took off the glasses and he was greeted by her beautiful blue eyes.

"You wanna head inside?" she asked. They were supposed to start working on their dinner soon, Nick promised to grill some fish for them.

"In a couple of minutes" his hand, which was still on her stomach moved up to her cheek. He couldn't let her go, he was no exhibitionist and had no plans to make love to her on the beach, but looking at her, being close to her, that was something he could do easily.

"Come on" she took his hand and stood up, pulling him with her. They walked inside the small house and once the door was shut behind them Nick's arms were around her waist pressing her body to his.

"I take it we're not starting dinner" she muttered as his lips were kissing the back of her head, traveling to her neck, as his hands easily removed her bikini top.

"Dinner's gonna have to wait" he mumbled.

* * *

The thoughts of dinner were long gone and Nick and Amanda were focused on each other. Getting lost in the other's body, the other's lips. His embrace always made her feel warm, safe, not alone, not lonely.

Nick kissed her again, he couldn't get enough of her soft lips "Amanda" he whispered in between pecks.

"Mmm?" she knew what he was about to say, the feeling has been eminent for a while now but she wasn't going to ask or to put any pressure on him to say it. Seeing it and feeling it was good enough for her. But when he said the words it almost seemed to make her heart beat again, mend everything.

It was the first time he said it, a memory that was created for both of them at the same time.

"I love you"

* * *

 _ **-The end-**_


End file.
